Inmate remains at large after six escape by removing toilet from jail wall

Prison officials have nothing to go on...

Newt Gingrich says Trump is done with ‘drain the swamp’

...much to his relief.

Trump Organization Says Billionaire’s Children to Run Firm

Better than letting them run loose, I suppose.

Trump Wins Presidency

Is the Republican elephant now named Nellie?

Obama tries to get inside Trump’s head

It's certainly big enough.

Google Pixel phone leaked before unveiling

That's not as bad as the Galaxy 7.

Experts Declare Giant Pandas No Longer Endangered, But China Objects: Here's Why

They've all been turned into porcelain?

Five reasons Hillary could be blowing it

Because Monica isn't?

Japan's Emperor Indicates He Is Ready to Step Down

Did he achieve his object all sublime?

Bad figures hid the truth about Britain’s overeating

Wouldn't they demonstrate it, rather than hide it?

Do tourists really go to Afghanistan?

More significantly, do they come back?

Syrian children burn tyres to create no-fly zones

How sad, they can't afford citronella.

Islamic State says militant ‘soldiers’ carried out Normandy church attack

Kill a priest, go to Hell.

US troops number in Afghanistan not always add up precisely

And their grammar are not always correctly, either.

NASA probe on brink of unearthing Jupiter’s secrets

Shouldn't that be disenjoving?

Elie Wiesel, Holocaust Survivor And Nobel Laureate, Dies At 87

Pop.

California Refiners Subpoenaed as Group Questions Pump Price

Why must it always end in nine-tenths of a cent?

Girl, 4, is sole survivor of van-train crash in Colorado

...apart from all the train passengers, that is.

'Never Gonna Give You Up' singer Astley returns with new album

Dammit! Rickrolled again!

Nigeria Says It Has Recovered $9.1 Billion In Stolen Money And Assets

And they'll return it to you if you send them your bank details and a wiring fee.

Muhammad Ali Dies at 74: Titan of Boxing and the 20th Century

Clay to clay.

Cincinnati Zoo director defends killing gorilla to save boy

After all, whose parents were more likely to sue?

Obama Wins Respect in Hiroshima

Respect, or fear?

Trump Just Exploded the Only Reason the Republican Party Exists: Cutting Taxes for the Wealthy

That headline grows much less exciting after the first three words.

Research Points To Mental Health Risks Associated With Meatless Diet

Suggesting that vegetarians are what they eat: nuts.

Prince Is Dead At 57

But Queen is 90 today--Vivat Regina!

'I was born without a womb, cervix and vagina'

Big deal. So are half the people in the world.

Migrant crisis: Pope due to visit Lesbos camp

Whatever turns him on...

Should we teach obscure presidents like Millard Fillmore?

He could have used a better education--but it's a bit late now.

Trump stands by aide after battery charge

How long does it take him to recharge?

London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains

Wouldn't that involve boring tunnels?

Fidel Castro says Obama’s ‘syrupy words’ were enough to cause a heart attack

Perhaps that was Obama's intent.

No One Knows What Happened to Japan's Lost $273 Million Black Hole Satellite

Maybe it found one.

Michelle Obama says she won't run for president

What else won't she do for him?

Pigeons Wearing Backpacks Help Fight Pollution

Wouldn't diapers be more effective?

NFL acknowledges, for first time, link between football, brain disease

But which is cause and which is effect?

Why are the deaths of sitting Supreme Court justices so rare?

Because there are only nine of them, and each dies only once. Duh!

Merkel calls for ‘no-fly zone’ in Syria

Arachnophobes will appreciate that too.