Friday, October 30, 2009

Is there such a thing as too much sleep?

Yes, it's called death.

Critics Say Photos of Kim Jong Il Really Of a Look-Alike

Was it really Kim Jong III?

Woman hit by two trains

To be hit by one train may be regarded as a misfortune.  To be hit by two...

Complaints of an Increase in Tattoo Mistakes

But it seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Drugs, guns seized in 'Room Service'

A big store?  I suspect monkey business!

Never-ending sales on furniture 'have to stop', MP says

"Must end soon"?  For real?

Obama restores private intel board's key power

Wow!  He can fix computers too?

Google opens OneBox music service

So did Pandora.

Southern Md. man wins National Duck Stamp competition

How many ducks did he have to stamp on?

Coyotes kill folk singer

Who said canines have no taste for music?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Spain to exhume purported grave of Garcia Lorca

Wrong grave, guys.  We distinctly said Alfredo Garcia.

Obama girls get swine flu shots, Obama will wait

Is he secretly hoping for a week off work?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Church of Scientology Convicted of Fraud in France

Had they just offered salvation, presumably they'd have been legal.

Dead girl 'met man on internet'

The sooner Facebook blocks those dead people, the better...

Man On Mars Hopes Hinge On Rocket Test

I don't suppose he'll be coming home any time soon...

Northwest pilots say they were distracted by laptops

Lucky them.  Most of us are limited to texting while we drive.

Fossil skull of huge sea dinosaur is found on England's south coast

How far from Piltdown was it found?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Student Fatally Shoots Himself in Professor's Office

Was he rehearsing Scene I of The Philanthropist?

Flagler Co. Releases Sex Offender List for Halloween

Ooh! Scary! Which one shall I dress as?

One in 10 inmates is sex offender

That's the proportion on arrival. It's larger on release.

Hotelier to Hispanic workers: Change names

Well, would you want to be served by Manuel?

Why experts say younger, smarter wives make for a long marriage

Because old ones die soon and stupid ones become tiresome.  Duh!

Madoff investor drowns in Florida pool

Those who swim with the sharks will sink with them too...

25% jump in cross-Border shopping - survey

The other 75% just walk, though.

Apology doesn't satisfy cited 'non-English-speaking driver'

Because it wasn't in Spanish?

Big Treasury Auctions Loom

No more woven money?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Pilots Blame ‘Heated Discussion’ for Missing Airport

Were they arguing whose turn it was to land the plane?

Pam Anderson launches anti-seal hunt campaign

Why is she looking for a puncture?

Barriers loom on road to plug-in cars

Like, how to stop the cables from tangling?

Ignore school bus flashers, get a ticket

Or photograph them and get arrested for kiddie porn...

Bands ask if their music used on Gitmo detainees

If so, will they demand royalty payments?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Scientists conduct first rabbit womb transplants

To make them less fertile?

Commercial real estate bust looms

So did Ned Ludd.

Russia, BONY Reach Settlement

About time too.  It's been almost 200 years since his retreat from Moscow.

One of world's smallest microscopes is at UW

It's so tiny, they need another microscope to see it.

Afghan election runoff: As officials scramble, some voters dig in heels

Is there a shortage of workboots?

Can ads make Google and YouTube more attractive?

Maybe, if the cans aren't too ugly.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Flat body murder probe launched

Easy: just follow the steamroller tracks.

Runaway bus misses man

But when a man misses a bus, that's not news.

Miracle baby may be home for Christmas

Something Jesus didn't achieve.

Backpackers 'having a lot more sex'

But presumably using fewer positions?

Senate OKs transfer of Gitmo prisoners for trials

...of experimental medical treatments?

Alcohol hinders IVF, couples warned

On the other hand, it assists the natural method.

FF backbenchers criticise plan for lower drink-driving limits

Yes, it would stop them driving home from work.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Nick's Headlines is on Vacation

I'm taking a break from blogging--back on October 21.

Israeli rabbis rule against 'Shabbat elevators'

Silly rabbis!  Shabbat is for rest, not stair-climbing!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Psychologists Offer Some Hope for Treating Hoarding

Wood preservative is cheaper, though.

Republicans attack Obama on U.S. dollar

Yes, let's keep George Washington there.

Banned From Churches, Sex Offenders Go to Court

Suing for the right to prey?

Oops! Hack lets anybody join the MySpace network on Facebook

Why is MySpace even using a rival service?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Senate approves apology to American Indians

Will they have Letterman read it on his show?

Grant seals return to Portsmouth

Already?  Winter is arriving early this year.

Giant Dust Ring Is Discovered Around Saturn

Is the planet's vacuum cleaner broken?

Pirates attack navy ship 'in error'

Gilbert and Sullivan would have had a field day with that one...

Survey says: 3 out of 10 prefer cell phones over sex

They're the ones whose phones vibrate?

Probe Launched Into Deadly River Pollution

Within minutes, it dissolved.

More motorists die on rural roads

...because urban traffic is so sloooooow.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Convertibles 'bad for the ears'

... and disastrous for the hair.

Brain Waves Surge Moments Before Death

Yes, it's your life flashing before you.

Food vendor collapses and dies in Dodger Stadium press box

PS: Anyone want 100 boxes of Cracker Jack?

Inmate relives pain of botched execution

He's lucky to be able to...

Embattled Letterman tells 'Late Show' audience he's trying to save marriage

He's joking, of course.

United tries $249 fee to check bags for a year

Does it cost more if you want them back sooner?

Girl's starvation death 'was preventable'

Yes, it's called 'food'.

Man released from death row, dies in crash

Statistically, the highways are riskier than death row...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Justices Decline to Hear Some 2000 Cases

After 9 years, I'm not surprised...

Homeless Man Gets 15 Years for Stealing Box of Cereal

Let's hope he likes porridge too.

Despite Loss of Legs, Conn. Teen Excels in Swimming

Why not? Fish manage well enough.

FTC: Bloggers Must Disclose Payments

That won't take me very long...

Teenage girls jump to their deaths in suspected suicides

Suspected?  Unless they found broken bungee-cords, I'd say definite.

Sleeping with boss often leads to trouble

But then, so does sleeping with anyone else.

Judge accused of sex with inmates

His defense: judicial privilege?

Cinemagoers flock to Zombieland

But how many come back alive?

Pilots protest over flying hours

Why protest if they're having fun?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Opinioin poll put Tories in clear lead

With 101%?

FBI Fears Terror Group Targeting U.S

And when the FBI's afraid, we should be very afraid...

Jobs Cuts Unexpectedly Accelerate

I blame those floor mats...

Census: U.S. immigrant population flat

Of course, they only counted the ones who weren't hiding...

Qantas criticised over foreign butter

Nobody cares that they buy foreign jet fuel, though...

White House: Olympics vote not repudiation of Obama

No, just of Chicago.

Juvenile behind presidential assassination survey, feds say

So when do we get the results?

Man's ashes laid to rest in computer

Let's hope they remembered to disconnect the fan...

Video Of Captured Israeli Soldier Released

Captured video of released soldier would be better, though.

La. Teacher Union Files Complaint Against Recuiter

Upset by his spelling?

Man jailed for new father murder

A double patricide?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sully Flies Again

Watch out, geese!

Michael Jackson was healthy before death

So why did he need a live-in doctor?

What's Wrong With Tori Spelling?

Tory would be better.

The Brain Processes Facts and Beliefs the Same Way

Why not, if it believes the facts?

Court order served over Twitter

Great idea!  Limit lawyers to 140 characters!

Madge Would Rather Be Hit By Train Than Marry

Either way, she'd have to stand in front of one.

Madonna on marrying Jesus: No!

That would be incest!

White House to Fox News: You lie!

And Fox News calls itself "Fair and Balanced". Who do you trust?

Democrat says GOP wants sick to just 'die quickly'

Is it better to die slowly?