Friday, December 31, 2010

Job cut notices to arrive 'like confetti'

Are shredded notices valid?

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Spider-Woman Is Leaving Troubled ‘Spider-Man’

At least she's not eating him.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Deputies Say Robber Wore Same Clothing To Three Holdups

Definitely a case for the fashion police...

Friday, December 24, 2010

Audit under way at troubled north suburban waste agency

A good place to look for it.

Snowstorm heads south; some flights canceled

Or maybe you got no presents because you've been naughty this year.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Cosmic Reincarnation Idea May Be Dead

For now, that is.

Pope Says Sex Scandal Has Hit Unimaginable Dimension

No, those pictures are faked.

Snow Hampers Travel in Europe

They're about the only things that can.

Long Beach Police Standoff In Progress At Hotel

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Cash-strapped monks look to fully tap their baking power

So will they still be called friars?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Japan Announces Defense Policy to Counter China

Why are they talking to their crockery?

Jackknifed big-rig shuts down 22 freeway lanes

Now that's a BIG rig.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Obama meets with CEOs to urge them to start hiring

He's going to need a new job sometime...

Boat death toll set to rise, says PM

Yes, it's called "bloat and float".

TV meteorologist arrested for false sexual assault report

You just can't trust those forecasters.

Man killed after being pulled into wood chipper in Fallbrook

Rest in pieces.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Goat Heads Left At Hyde Park Homes

And sheep heads right? That'll sort them!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Top 10 holiday threats for pets

Bad dog! Santa Claws will get you!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Overcrowding in California's Prisons Reaches Supreme Court

And when that's full up, there's nowhere else.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Wi-Fi Might Not Kill Trees After All

In fact it can help you save them.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Euro 'a good option' for Iceland

Iceland must be really desperate.

No risk of euro zone breakup in Irish crisis: EU

Well, they have to say that, don't they?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Suspects armed with tree branch rob gas station

Police are seeking two stick-up artists.

CHP to start Thanksgiving holiday enforcement tonight

"Please finish your turkey AND all the stuffing, sir."

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hammer horror actress Pitt dies

This time it's for real.

Man 'joined monastery to steal'

Felonious monk.

Monday, November 22, 2010

70 pre-owned cats adopted at Irvine event

Or rather, 70 cats have adopted replacement humans.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Subway offers secret rainy day freebie


Obama stands by controversial air security screening methods

I don't really want to see the images that accompanied this story.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

In hospice, grandmother celebrates belated bat mitzvah

Cramming for her finals?

Call to extend breast screening

The TSA is working on this...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Scientists witness the apparent birth of a black hole

And if they continue to not see it, that'll confirm it's real.

L.A. County passes sweeping ban on plastic bags

Most of them go unswept already anyway.

Eroded Kinder Scout to be fenced

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Older white Americans sicker than British peers

Their homes are not as stately, either.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Al-Qaida group claims mail bombs

Waste of time: they won't get them back.

Man accused of fake real estate deals

However, real fake estate deals would have been OK.

Where's the female Brian Cox?

...and what would be her name?

Man jailed over cat in microwave

Must be crowded in there...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Sunday, October 31, 2010

9 people shot at Oakland Halloween party

At least, they think 9 people's injuries are real.

UAE Philharmonic faces fuding woes

Is that the classical version of duelling banjoes?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Friday, October 29, 2010

Man Arrested in Church Abuse Revenge Beating

Whatever happened to "Turning the Other Cheek"?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Poll: Four in Five Want New Blood in Congress

And by Halloween, even the senators will have become vampires.

Spiritual guardian of Indonesian volcano dies

Now the volcano must look after itself.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Plan would make 80% of L.A. taxis green in 5 years

If only they could also do that for the traffic signals...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Chilean mine rescue hits home for Eau Claire couple

Wow, that drill-bit was WAY off course.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Nick's Headlines is taking a break

I'm taking a break from this blog. I should be back by late October.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Pope's Glasgow visit: pilgrims told to make sacrifices to attend open-air mass

Didn't Jesus replace those with the Eucharist?

Tattoos are free speech protected by Constitution, U.S. appeals court rules

It's called the right to bare arms.

Why Foreign Businesses in China Are Getting Mad

Due to the lack of Chinese satirical magazines?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Who is the Rev. Terry Jones?

As director of Monty Python's Life of Brian, he must be an expert on religion.

Justin Bieber takes up 3 percent of Twitter servers

...while the other 97% have equally important information.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Firefighters' Homes Among Those Destroyed in Colorado Blaze

Just as well, really. Saving them would not have looked good.

Fast food takes off in China

That's why they serve it in Styrofoam.

Van der Sloot says he's sorry for Holloway lies

But not for her death.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Woman Devours 181 Chicken Wings in Contest

Somewhere, one poor chicken is flapping around in circles.

25,000 Illinois jobs in jeopardy

Another town named after a game show?

Study: Office Refrigerators Not Very Clean

And what about those untidy kitchen desks?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Politician's wife exposed as prostitute

That makes two in the house.

Earl leaves thousands without power

No wonder the peasants are revolting.

Vatican: Pope monitoring Iran woman sentenced to stoning

Serves him right for meddling in Islamic affairs.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Badly Burned Body Found At Golf Course

Next time, use the crematorium.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Stranded whale to be blown up in harbour

It's been tried. Remember that video of a hail of blubber?

Woman accused of stabbings at Target found incompetent to stand trial

Quite right too. Targets are for shooting at, not stabbing.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Hoarder's body found under rubbish pile

In the end, her rubbish hoarded her.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

U.S. to Rap China Over Aluminum

Sounds cacophonous...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

8 in 10 Americans Say Economy Is Bad

Not so long ago, they were saying extravagance is good.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Results in National Schoo-Reform Contest Spark Complaints

Apparently, they're incomplete.

Crash man was 'driving starship'

Weren't his deflector shields working?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Taxi driver arrested after death

Why arrest a corpse?

Dinosaur bones in Canadian sewer

Flushing overgrown pets down the toilet is nothing new.

Chilean Miners Could Be Stuck for Months

I hope they're earning overtime.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dr Kelly death 'textbook suicide'

Proving his killers did their homework well.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Whiskey Biofuel? Only in Scotland

Scotland has whisky galore, but nae whiskey.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Montenegro Reaches for Respectability With Port Project

Maybe if they also tried a change of name...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Rare giraffe revealed to public

It would have been hard to keep it under wraps.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Teen Sex Not Always Bad for Grades

Especially if it's with the professor.

Only a fourth of troops surveyed on gays respond

A clear win for "don't ask, don't tell."

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Man drowns about 8 miles from where Obamas swam

So? Is there some connection between these events?

Buffalo shooting leaves 4 dead

A slow day for Bill Cody.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Obama Supports Mosque Near September 11 Site

But will it stop terrorists from attacking the area again?

Coalition offers $420m for mining, clean coal research

And how much will the oilition pay for drilling research?

US Senate hopeful on porn charge

...that they won't have to pay it?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

'Pasta is like live worms'

How to get a Klingon to eat his spaghetti?

Canadian Navy Boards Suspected Terror Ship

Is this an action, or its rationale?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ghouls Took Photos Of Dying Suicide Girl

That's OK, she didn't want to take them with her.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Remains found in Malibu Canyon may be those of a woman

Well, there's a 50/50 chance...

New Arizona law helps shield homebuyers from mortgage abuses

Now watch the banks campaigning to have it declared unconstitutional.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hawking: It's outer space or die for humans

Or both, if NASA can't fix its cooling pumps.

Moscow Opens Anti-smog Centers As Fires Burn

Los Angeles could use a few cans of that stuff too.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Mother booked for sex with school boys

Pity, I was hoping she'd be free.

Report: Playmate featured in steamy UCF locker-room shoot; school apologizes

Next time they promise they'll switch on the fan.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Lottery Winner Wants To Buy 'New Knees'

He wore them out praying for a lottery win?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Fairmount Park hosting $100,000 quarter horse race

That's an awful lot of quarters for a horse to carry.

Some Pharmaceutical Clinical Trial Results Are Buried, Study Shows

Along with the participants?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Why did Churchill order a cover-up on UFO reports?

It would have been hard to fight them on the beaches...

Iceland snaps up Woolworths store

They're both bankrupt, so what's the big deal?

BP declares ‘static kill' of blowout

All's well -- that ends well?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Do snails 'have a homing instinct'?

No, their homes just follow them around.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

NBA Rookie Star Caught Going 120-130 Mph

That's a traveling violation.

Well-known Seattle musician killed in crash

He can't be that well-known or you'd have named him.

Mullen: Leak of Afghanistan Documents May Cost Lives

Yes, heads will roll.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Mark Wahlberg 'praying' for Lindsay Lohan

Careful, Mark. You may get what you pray for.

Doubts over the future of Scottish Water

As long as they can *still* make whisky...

Father speaks out on honeymoon scuba death

Should've stuck to muff diving...

Prehistoric whale stranded at airport

Unlike present-day whales, who know they can't fly.

Elephant that performed at Flea World in Sanford dies

Trampled to death by fleas?

It has been a murder-free summer in Orlando

Shh! Someone might try to remedy that.

Friday, July 30, 2010

87% of Hispanics value higher education, 13% have college degree

Is that the other 13%?

Could drinking alcohol help ward off rheumatoid arthritis?

Or does it just ease the pain?

Obama Drives Chevy Volt...10 Feet!

They really need to equip electric cars with longer cords.

Armed robber chooses Jesus over cash

Risky choice. The last thieves who went with him got crucified.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

US seizes marijuana worth $1.7bn

That should help the budget deficit...

Why Turkey Still Gets a Cold Shoulder From the E.U.

Could it be because 97% of Turkey is outside Europe?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Doctors should tell people they are fat, not obese, minister says

Are they also too stupid to understand long words?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Police: Man Robs Bank Wearing Fake Breasts

A bank wearing breasts is just asking for a hold-up.

World to Run Out of Internet Addresses by 2012?

Or will it end when the Mayan Calendar runs out of dates?

Friday, July 23, 2010

Tropical Storm Bonnie Makes Landfall Over South Florida

Oh blow the winds o'er the ocean, and bring back my Bonnie to me!

World's Oldest Dog Debated

Now that's a new trick.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Will Blagojevich Take the Witness Stand?

Probably, unless it's well screwed down.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Missing teens found safe and well

But could they get it out from there?

Friday, July 16, 2010

WATCH: The Biggest Medicare Bust in History

So they now pay for breast enhancements?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Graduate tax to be proposed

What a great way to discourage education!

Los Angeles and California lawmakers seek review of security at LAX

Maybe they should start by renaming the airport...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Toyota acceleration woes may be driver error

Yes, they bought the wrong car.

Iowa billboard linking Obama, Hitler removed

Who by? Democrats or Nazis?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Friday, July 9, 2010

Submarine Deals Helped Sink Greece

Wouldn't Liquid Plumr have been cheaper?

UK dealer cleared of theft of Shakespeare's plays

A case of "all's well that ends well", or "much ado about nothing"?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Legalization could slash the price of pot 80%

That is, until they tax it.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

First humans arrived in Britain 250,000 years earlier than thought

Some would say that thought has yet to arrive.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Police make year's largest heroin bust

They could have made an even bigger one with silicon.

Horses Healing Wounded Vets

Isn't that backwards?

Roy Rogers' stuffed Trigger to be auctioned off

They're flogging a dead horse.

Friday, July 2, 2010

8 probed in Eiffel Tower souvenir racket

The Lavender Hill Mob are at it again?

Doctors amputated her wrong leg

So she can't even sue them now.

Top NY state bureaucrats earn nearly $128,000/year

While California's just get minimum wage.

Woman Fakes Own Death to Avoid Foreclosure

Now she just has to avoid burial....

Off-duty Coroners Save Choking Boy At Pa. Eatery

Altruism? Or laziness?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Blue Line train misrouted to Orange Line, bewildering riders

Except for the color-blind ones, who noticed nothing wrong.

Abbott's $1.5bn mental health plan 'crazy'

Yes, but a 'sane' plan would cost far more.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Quake strikes off Fiji

Oh dear, another nation deleted.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

After Branch Kills Baby, New Yorkers Look Skyward

Bad idea. Traffic is much more dangerous than trees.

Lower IQs found in disease-rife countries, scientists claim

The smart people have emigrated.

Bear victim's daughter: Signs may have been removed

So what? The bear wouldn't have read them anyway.

Man and Woman Wanted for Store Burglaries

Shouldn't the job also be open to same-sex couples?

Anti-BP Protest Target Tate Art Gallery

Did they shout "oils out, watercolors in"?

Friday, June 25, 2010

French 'Hannibal': 30 Years for Eating Cell Mate

In solitary confinement, I hope.

Number of childless American women in their 40s has risen sharply since 1970s

Could this perhaps have something to do with the Pill?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Bin Laden Hunter Plans to Continue Mission

Good luck, Rogue Male.

Can alcohol help a football team's performance?

Yes, if you watch the match through beer goggles.

Oil Spill Blackens Pensacola Beach with Mats of Mousse-Like Substance

So there's no need to bring sunscreen?

Douglasville Detective Charged with Battery

He shouldn't have held both terminals at once.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

French cannibal blames prison system

Was the jail food really that bad?

Cop Arrests Newlywed Rushing to Hospital

Rushing to the maternity ward?

Jamaican 'Drug Lord' Dudus Coke Is Arrested

But cops are still hunting his partner, Dudus Pepsi.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Workers Trapped After China Mine Blast

Someone buried an exploding soup bowl?

Ant head balancing act revealed

It's old. They did that at the flea circus.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Friday, June 18, 2010

Spaghetti-NOs: Campbell's Recalls 15M Pounds of SpaghettiOs

Erm, that plural should be spaghetti-NI.

Aruba detectives to grill Van der Sloot

I say fry him.

Ask CBS News: Is Gulf Shellfish Safe to Eat?

Yes, just light it with a match and it fries itself.

LIVESHOT: Utah Killer Faces Firing Squad

Wouldn't SHOTDEAD be a better descriptor?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

60ft Jesus statue burns to ground

Will it rise, phoenix-like, from its ashes after three days?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Armed pair held at Central Command base

"You can't fight in here, this is the War Room."

Cheap drug could save tens of thousands

Dollars or people?

Actor James Farentino Arrested In Battery Case

Those batteries must have been enormous.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Jimmy Dean Dies at Virginia Home

I don't think I'll be buying those sausages for the next few weeks...

U.S. Drops Organic Food Inspector in China

"Waiter, there's an inspector in my soup!"

BP Deploys New Sensors

Or are they really news censors?

Cabbie ends Extraordinary 14,000km taxi ride

Unfortunately, after his meter hit $99,999.99, it went back to zero.

D.C.'s gay community hopes to wield power in mayor's race

I'm sure there's an electrical joke here, if I could just think of one...

Sniffer dogs in line for an award

What are they sniffing while in line?

Utah pipeline break fouls geese, ducks

Weren't they fowl already?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Teen sailor wants 'to give it another try'

...if only someone would give her another boat.

World Cup: England Hands the U.S. a Tie

Trying to make amends for that oil spill?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Beached whale found on New York beach

What other kind would you expect to find there?

Do Men Suffer More Than Women After Breakups?

Men suffer women and much more every day.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Staff say porn is a 'Virgin Blue custom'

With a name like that, what did the company expect?

Why Peru's police need Joran van der Sloot to reenact killing

There's this other girl they want eliminated? Or just to make money from video sales?

Monday, June 7, 2010

World Cup Domestic Violence Warning

Ladies, don't touch that remote!

British twin sisters left seriously injured after attack by fox in their beds

Click the headline if you can't guess who reported this story.

Obama Seeking 'Ass to Kick'

But shouldn't he kick elephant?

Search for Stacy Peterson yields possum bones, no human remains

And those bones are only pretending to be dead...

Tenet Healthcare Drops Bid for Australian Healthscope

Is that a device that's inserted "down under?"

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Obamas to attend Ford’s Theatre gala

After what happened to Lincoln, is that such a good idea?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Egyptian men married to Israelis may lose citizenship

That's not all they have to lose...

Porn actor suspected of murder jumps off cliff, dies after daylong standoff with police

I guess it was a promise...

Porn actor sought in slaying threatens suicide

Is that a threat or a promise?

Cleveland's Anamika Veeramani wins Spelling Bee

Once she learned to spell her own name, she could spell anything.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Body in burning car was teenager

So were most bodies.

Water officials: A cleaner river would be more dangerous

Yes, people might swim in it.

Simple 'SQUID' Solution Could Contain Oil

I see BP has been reading my blog posts from yesterday...

Virgin music festivals cancelled in Canada

Couldn't they find any virgin musicians?

Nick's headlines -- now with links!

From now on, my headlines are linked to the underlying news pages. (NB: page headlines sometimes get updated, and all links eventually die.)

Public defender suspected of choking prosecutor

Well, attack is the best form of defense...

Could Nuclear Explosion Plug Oil Leak?

Or would it make it rain radioactive oil?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Man tried voodoo, black magic against prosecutor and investigators, authorities allege

Didn't work, did it?  But is that a crime?

Giant Shears to Try to Cut Oil Pipe

And if that doesn't work, they'll try to block it with a giant squid.

California voters back pot legalization, but support is shaky


Penalties for Bumping Air Passengers Increase

But it's their own fault when they stick their elbows out into the aisle.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

Nick's Headlines is taking a break

Back in June...

Missing student found safe in Merced

Now she's looking for the key.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why All Americans Should Carry ID Papers

In case they need to go to Arizona?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

Medical Marijuana Shops Firebombed

... and crowds form downwind.

BP hopes 'top hat' will succeed where dome failed

And if that fails, there's always duct tape...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Number of Abandoned Children in Haiti Skyrockets

How much does that affect liftoff?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Iceland Volcano Causing Travel Nightmare Once Again

Has BP got another giant dome to spare?

Australia well-placed to withstand economic turmoil

Yes, about as far from Greece as you can get.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Goodwill donations in Fort Worth range from sex dolls to hand grenades

In fact, anything that blows up.

LAPD officer killed in car crash was legally drunk

At least he wasn't illegally eaten.

I was abducted by aliens, says politician

But who believes a politician?

Mom refuses to return racy teen books to public library | What do you think?

I think she gets a kick out of reading them.

Updates: Grapevine moth fight set to begin in Fresno Co.

My money's on the purple striped one.

Niece gives 100-yr.-old eviction notice

Hasn't it expired by now?

Powerful House Chairman David Obey to Retire

Good.  I'm tired of seeing his picture plastered up everywhere.

1 Chinese baby born with syphilis every hour

1 out of how many thousands?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dozens Dead After Storms Batter US South

And with all that oil, will the Deep South soon be deep fried?

Bombing suspect passed checks to become citizen

So citizenship can be bought?

Suspect made flight reservation on way to JFK

So now he's in even more trouble—unless he used a handsfree phone.

Faisal Shahzad Gave Appearances of Family Man

But not on South Park--yet.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Abusive priests' personnel files remain under wraps

Unlike the priests themselves...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Hawking: Time travel will happen

So where are all the visitors from the future?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Belgian lawmakers pass burka ban

Bad move.  Some of those women are REALLY ugly.

Rattlesnakes, Avoiding Roads, Become Inbred

While humans do the exact opposite.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Monday, April 26, 2010

Democrats push bank controls

And if that doesn't work, they'll try pulling them.

Late Poland president's twin runs to replace him

He may run, but if he's sensible he won't fly.

URGENT: Body of N.Y. Woman Missing Since '08 Found

Why the rush? Surely another day or two won't matter?

Cops Find Suspect Neck-Deep in Manure

And now he's in even deeper ....

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Friday, April 23, 2010

Howard Co. violin teacher gets nine months for sex abuse

Fiddling around with his students?

Poor 'get less prostate surgery'

Is that because more of them are women?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Current Earth Day Challenges Harder to Tackle

Yes, how do you stop an erupting volcano?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Monday, April 19, 2010

Promiscuous Women Cause Quakes, Cleric Says

When the Earth moves for them?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

'Osama Bin Laden' Facebook Page Shut Down

Pity. Now I won't be able to unfriend him.

Canoes set out to recreate epic Pacific migration

Wouldn't they be more useful in the Atlantic?

Pope Benedict Promises to Bring Pedophile Priests to Justice

I thought that was a job for his boss...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

U.S. seeks climate ideas after Copenhagen fell short

They should look at what's coming out of Reykjavik...

Toronto building unsafe after wall collapse: official

But not before?

Obama cancels Poland trip because of volcanic ash

Excuses, excuses.  Hasn't he got an umbrella?

Lost cat wandered from Albuquerque to Chicago

Like Bugs Bunny, it should have turned left.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Iceland Volcano Cloud Threat To UK Flights

Once again, Sky News lives up to its name.

Broadcasts Monitor puts 25 video streams in a tab

Only a fly could watch them all at once...

Calls to reduce light pollution

Apparently, heavy pollution is no longer a problem.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Nigeria's president Goodluck Jonathan vows to hold clean elections

Good luck, Jonathan.

AA Jet Makes Emergency Landing in Iceland- Amazing Escape as Plane Breaks Up on Runway

Reports of the plane's breakup are greatly exaggerated...

American Jet Makes Emergency Landing in Iceland on Cabin Fumes

... as are the reports of its running out of fuel.

Nigeria bill 'to stop extremism'

It's a scam.  Don't pay it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Judge Takes Paper To Court Over Online Comments

Shouldn't that be electrons, not paper?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Most Young Adults: Oral Sex Is Not Sex

So Bill Clinton was right.

Pope Put Off Punishing Abusive Priest

It's called "turning the other cheek."

Pluto's Dwarf Planet Family Could Get Bigger

Yes, I hear Snow White has some up for adoption.

Straned whale euthanized; dart missing

Maybe it's with the "d" that went AWOL

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Priests Commit No More Abuse Than Other Males

But shouldn't they commit less?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Suspect in bank heist was on parole for robbing Starbucks

Did he figure out that twenties are better than ventis?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The IUD Makes a Comeback

But who wants a DUI?

Sandra Bullock: There is No Sex Tape

No, it's a DVD.

Tiger Caught on Golf Course Using Cell Phone

And a big-game capture app?

Leeds man spared jail after drunkenly urinating beside war memorial

He only spared it because he ran out of urine...

New Scrabble to Allow Proper Names

Whatever next? Abbreviations? Hyphens? Foreign words?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Obama to limit use of US nuclear weapons

Next time, they'll use only one?

For aging drivers, knowing when to hang up the car keys can be difficult

Especially when you can't remember where you put them.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

At Easter Mass Pope Hailed as "Unfailing"

Of course. As everyone knows, he's infallible.

World's 4th Largest Lake Nearly Dried Up

Are there only three left now?

Fire breaks out in Aon building

Let's hope they're insured...

Women Push for Rights With Topless March

And lefts, too, I hope.

Fossil Find May Be 'Missing Link' in Human Evolution

By definition, it can't be.

Pilot recalls highway crash-landing

He's lucky to be able to...

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Disney bus driver charged in 3rd crash in 2 weeks

They should never have given that job to Mr. Toad.

Men have to be charged for using trafficked women

Well, duh! Did you expect them to be free?

Commuter Page: A history of traffic problems in the Washington area

Juat one page? Lucky commuters!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Officials Find 7m Cigarettes In Lorry

They actually found them a year ago, but have only just finished counting them.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Tourist Dies After Falling Into Active Bali Volcano

I guess he won't be needing a funeral...

An alligator ate my Amazon package

That happens when you order from the jungle. In any case, "Amazon package" is an oxymoron.

Lockerbie response 'disjointed'

But not as badly as the victims were.

Clear-Winged Woolly Bat Sings Like No Other

Sings what? Selections from Die Fledermaus? "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Voodooists Honor Victims Of Haiti's Earthquake

Will that pacify the zombies?

Bishops condemn Easter whippings, crucifixions

Umm... don't they owe their jobs to one?

Larger class sizes ahead as teachers collect pink slips

Wearing them will encourage attendance?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Egg donors offered up to $50,000

The Easter Bunny must be a gazillionaire by now.

Mich. Police: Drunken Driver Called 911 on Herself

Proving that alcohol impairs a driver's judgment.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Stealing Electricity from Algae

Green power?

Only God: Who Can Fire a Pope Mired in Sex Scandals?

But could He find a replacement who isn't?

Electronic Undies Can Send Text Messages

Do they vibrate when you reply?

Mars Rover Hits 20-Kilometer Milestone

Apparently, the Martians don't quite understand the concept of "miles".

Grocery Store Customer Gives Kidney to Cashier

She scans it. He pays. Big deal.

Formula One champion caught hooning

But will he keep it once it grows into a hoon?

Can Science Explain the Concept of Heaven?

I'm sure Christian Science can.

Why Do People Swear?

Damned if I know.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Free vitamins for pregnant women

Sounds like a fair exchange...

Discharging gays to draw more scrutiny in military

Good. Now we'll find out exactly WHAT they are discharging.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Germany Sets Greek Aid Conditions

Quite right too. Always beware of Greeks seeking gifts.

Mary, Queen of stamps: Scottish monarch commemorated

Years ago they cut off her head; now they're putting it on a stamp.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Eatery accused of serving whale meat closes

Whale meat again? Don't know where, don't know when.

Friday, March 19, 2010

FAA Faulted for Lax Oversight

Instead of LAX oversight?

Hospital theft suspect claims 'good heart'

Of course, he stole it.

PMS extension dropped to one year

That's still way too long.

Helpful Dads Damage Mother's Self-Esteem at Home

A lazy man's excuse?

Auschwitz sign theft lands 3 in prison

Liberating "Work's liberating" isn't liberating work.

Monday, March 15, 2010

40,000-Year-Old Tools Found at Construction Site

After all these years, work can now resume.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Why Do We Have Daylight Savings Time?

Because who wants to save darkness?

Man Emerges From Coma a Compulsive Artist

Rip Van Gogh?

Coffee Party Founder Wants Common Grounds

Thank you. Please leave the punning to the professionals.

Man shot three times by gunman improving at Harborview

When will that gunman improve enough to hit the target?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Dutch nurses’ union: Care does not include sex

Do they have a demarcation agreement with the whores' union?

Case against Cats star adjourned

Because Macavity wasn't there?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Toyota says no flaw found with safety electronics

How hard did they look?

Study: People would lose 5 pounds a year if soda cost extra 18%

Wow! We'd almost all be weightless by 2050!

DUI trial of Lake County judge halted indefinitely

It helps to know who the best lawyers are...

Win Money for Keeping Bears out of Garbage

I always recycle my used bears.

UCF: No more weapon-like props for theater students

Is this a haddock which I see before me?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Swiss Voters Reject Lawyers for Animals

Only asses represent themselves in court...

Who would you give an Oscar to?

Someone who has a spare garbage can.

Friday, March 5, 2010

North Korean who shopped for dictators goes public

Why did North Korea need to buy dictators when they grew their own?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Man swallows flash drive, charged with obstruction

Was he trying to make a backup?

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Police appeal to murder suspect

No, I won't do their dirty work for them.

Olympic notebook: Canon, Nikon get in the picture

Olympus, of course, was already there...

Tears Flow as Whale Shows Resume

I doubt if he'll find a new job.

BA trains strike crew

They should have stayed off the tracks.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Oxfam suspends programme in China

One hour later, their clients were always hungry again.

Lula: Fidel Castro is "Exceptionally Well"

Implying that he's normally sick?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Man Indicted for Breaking 'Into' Prison

If found guilty, will he be evicted?

Whitney Houston 'Dreadful' Down Under

I really didn't need to know that.

Man Hit by Train Twice in 2 Weeks in California

Keep trying, maybe it'll be third time lucky.

New Dinosaur Species Discovered in Utah


20 years for mum who gassed children

That's quicker than waiting for them to graduate college...

Friday, February 19, 2010

What's Behind America's Falling Crime Rate

The gradual legalization of pot?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

U.N. finds clues Iran is trying to build nuke

Wasn't there something similar with the U.S. and Iraq?

Obama Unveils Plan for Commission to Tackle Federal Deficit

How much commission does he plan to take?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Google Buys Social Search Company Aardvark

They're taking over the alphabetical order.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Valentine's Day Bust: Cocaine Roses

Are they like opium poppies?

Haitians cancel Carnival celebration

This year, Lent began early in Haiti.

Wrong flag used in Fromelles burials

Oops. Dig them up and do it again.

FAA May Slap American Airlines With Record Fine

So that's why they need to start charging for blankets?

Suspect Plays 'Dating Game' Video in Murder Trial

An insanity defense?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Monday, February 8, 2010

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Police paying for officer lap-band surgery


Mortgage Bankers Association Sells Headquarters at Big Loss

Could they have saved money by foreclosing on themselves?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Monkey spotted roaming Darwin streets

He's a long way from Manly.

Proposed Hebrew-language school dealt a setback

That should help, not hurt, them...

‘Days of Our Lives’ star Frances Reid dies at 95

In her case, 34,756.

Christmas Bomb Suspect Flips on Radical Imam

Pity he didn't just flip him off...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tea Party convention begins in Nashville

How will the Coffee Party fight back?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

National Prayer Breakfast Draws Controversy

Why do the Quakers have all the oats?

Giant Squids Lure California Fishing Enthusiasts

Isn't it supposed to work the other way round?

LaHood: Stop Driving Recalled Toyotas

How? Wait till they run out of gas?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Why a spot of sunbathing may be just the thing to lift a man's libido

Obviously, it's the female sunbathers.

Shakespeare's Death Ruled 'Homicidal Violence'

Was it a star-crossed lover's revenge?

Man offered degrees for spanking

M.A.= Master of Ass?

Indonesian man loses six teeth when cigarette explodes

Now that's a clever way to discourage smoking.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Rare ailment makes girl, 13, look like she’s 50

Your Honor, the defense rests.

Global Chip Sales Fell in 2009

It's all that bad press about trans fats.

Baptists Say They Were Trying to Do Good in Haiti

Something the Quakers can hardly say.

Plan to halve smokers in 10 years

Stop treating their diseases?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Friday, January 29, 2010

Club soda: Fine for cocktails and stain removal, not for killing ants

I'm not surprised. Soda makes a lousy club.

Google still thinks it can change China

Why not? It's changed the rest of the world.

Obama, Republicans Exchange Barbs At Retreat

He swapped a Barbie doll for Barbara Bush?

Sanitary pads 'cut school absenteeism'

Aren't the lessons absorbing enough?

Overweight elderly 'live longer' than those of normal weight

That's because only the healthiest of the overweight survive to become elderly.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Cheap Car Holds Stacks of Phony Cash

How much more for one with real cash inside?

Haiti memorial for UN quake dead

If that fails, maybe voodoo will stop the zombies.

Warming space spam could annoy alients

As every alient knows, Spam is a dish best served cold.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Toyota: Owners Should Keep Driving Cars

Especially when the cars won't stop.

Mt. Washington Loses Wind Gust Record

It blew away?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Kyrgyz hunger strike for freedoms

They should at least be allowed vowels.

Cop shoots kangaroo in street

That's kangaroo justice for you.

Hospitals 'should screen for clots'

To keep them out, or keep them in?

Long Beach agrees to $6.2-million settlement over underground oil tanks

I wouldn't choose to settle there...

'Hundreds of Aussies' stranded in Peru

I don't know who to be sorrier for.

David Copperfield's accuser charged with prostitution

Don't be surprised if she mysteriously disappears...

Monday, January 25, 2010

Gary Coleman Arrested in Utah

That's a long way from Avenue Q.

Pope asks priests to become more Web savvy

4giv me fathr 4 i hv sind?

Visitor loses balance, damages Picasso work

No surprise. Those paintings can make anyone dizzy.

Bill Gates: What Will It Take to Save the World?

A 2-zettabyte hard drive should be enough...

117 Russians in hospital after drinking holy water

That stuff sure sorts out the saints from the sinners...

More tainted milk products found in China shops

Blame it on the bulls.

In audio message, bin Laden says he endorsed Dec. 25 airline bomb plot

Who does he think he is...the Grinch?

13 months later, expert in Mexico kidnappings still missing

Proving once again that some "experts" aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

No sex before marriage: Abbott

With that name, what else can he say?

Census count starts with No. 1 in Alaska

So will they count Florida last? That caused a lot of problems in 2000...

San Bernardino loses its Jewish congregation

A city named for a saint can hardly complain when that happens...

Bellerive Says Reports of Haiti Violence Aren't True

... and the reports of the earthquake damage are grossly exaggerated.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Train runs over drunk sleeper

That shouldn't matter, as long as the rails are sober.

Thousands of Georgia Children Lacking Second Shots

Good idea, that way they'll learn to hit the target first time.

Student 'Set Alight' At Fancy Dress Party

What did he expect when he dressed as a Roman candle?

Britons held over synagogue fires

...and slowly roasted?

Blind, deaf grandma jailed for benefit fraud

How will she even know she's in jail?

Police Say Georgia Mom Forced Son to Kill Hamster

Oh, are hamsters a protected species in Georgia?

'Noisy sex' woman spared prison

Out of consideration for her fellow inmates?

Suspension of West Texas sheriff remains

Strange fruit indeed...

N.C. Casino Cleans Slots Every 2 Hrs to Beat Virus

Will they also practice money laundering?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Straw To Be Grilled Over Secret Iraq Letter

That should incinerate it well enough...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Monday, January 18, 2010

Despite recession, bank robberies dropped in 2009

Even the banks have no money these days...

Cops scour area where trucker was stabbed

Quite right too. Nobody likes seeing those bloodstains.

Man found shot multiple times

He must also have lost it multiple times.

Gunman Who Shot Pope Released From Prison

It's called "turning the other cheek."

Dispute over Gulf's name halts Islamic Solidarity Games

So much for Islamic solidarity.

Biggest UK mosque plans collapse

Better than having an unplanned collapse...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Friday, January 15, 2010

Diamond Oceans Possible on Uranus, Neptune

I think I'll give that particular investment opportunity a miss.

Haiti Tries to Dig Out as Corpses Pile Up

With aftershocks continuing, I hope they're not piled too high.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Latinos and blacks in California more likely to die of H1N1 than whites

That's because whites aren't usually as dangerous as H1N1.

Top traffic cop apologises after being caught speeding

For not knowing where his officers were?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dementia 'not getting priority'

Out of mind, out of sight...

Haiti survivors sleep in streets

And they are the lucky ones...

Right to buy laws to be unveiled

How much for a law banning traffic jams?

Housing executive paid $685,000 a year to run nonprofit

How generous of him.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Oregon Activists Want State-Grown Marijuana

Yeah, none of that California weed.

Cab driver returns $21,000 to passenger

Fare enough.

White House garden ‘ex-seeds’ expectations

That's terrible. Please leave the punning to qualified bloggers like me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Latest Tiny, Trendy Pet: Micro-Pigs

Didn't Shakespeare write a play about one?

Hiccups man has brain operation

Sounds risky...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Rival Gangs 'Forced To Share Same Guns'

How can they have a fair fight then?

Blagojevich: 'I'm blacker than Barack Obama'

Oh, is he planning to run for President?

Girl weeps blood 'up to 50 times a day'

It's a bloody miracle...

Crime lord's dildo fell off in raid, court told

I guess that makes him a crime lady now...

Road salt shuts down Cleveland airport

Moral: runway salt is worth the extra cost.

Egypt Finds New Tombs Near Pyramids

Who's building them?

Blondes fare badly in young scientists' IQ tests

It's because they're light-headed.

Togo leaves African Cup of Nations

Will they now change their name to "Gone"?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Obama faults self for lax air security

But what about all the other airports?

Mesa native helps unearth new dinosaur

There's no such thing.

Ford brings digital comforts to cars

Driving gloves? That's hardly a new idea.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Supernova Star Blast 'Could Wipe Out Earth'

At Sky News, they live up to their name.

Female toads inflate to avoid sex

That would put off even the horniest toad...

Tiger hides at billionaire's mansion

Doesn't he know they're an endangered species?

Dead Octopuses Wash Up on Portuguese Beach

What brand of soap are they using?

Why Black Holes Are Winning Respect

You don't want to go near something that can stop time.

London Zoo keepers make annual animal head count

1, 1, 1, 1, 1 ....

Obama slams intelligence failings in US plane plot

Harsh words, coming from one who can't protect his own house from party crashers.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

US to Suspend Gitmo Detainee Transfers to Yemen

Yes, Yemen has enough terrorists already.

Slingshot attack lands man in jail

Will he be able to catapult himself out again?

Monday, January 4, 2010

British team says elusive G-spot may be a myth

But looking for it was so much fun...

South Africa's president marries third wife

To avoid accusations of bigamy?

US screening unfair, says Nigeria

Yes, and so is blowing up planes.

Kubica to stay with Renault team

Shouldn't he be with Nissan?

At Landover middle school, philosophy is part of lunch menu

Can I get a Bacon Plato (a la Descartes)?

Ex-mayor admits stealing women's underwear

Nick snickers.

Diesel Spill Contaminates Yellow River

So what color does that make it now?

'Too many' children slow to talk

So do too many drivers.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tories 'not ruling out tax rises'

In fact, they're not ruling anything yet.