Friday, December 11, 2009

Season's Greetings!

Nick's Headlines is taking a break till the New Year. Happy Holidays!

View Star Apologizes for Calling Tiger Woods' Mistress a "Hooker"

Naturally, he has taught her to swing straight.

Tiger Woods gags English media

And the Hollywood call-girls?

School Bus Roof Torn Off In Bridge Smash

When will those buses learn to duck?

RCMP seized pot from woman's bra, court hears

A pair of pots would have looked less suspicious.

Bond on China trade panel

Don't believe it. Universal Export is just a front.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Man arrested after trying to crawl through doggy door

He was lucky not to get bitten...

"Tigergate" Isn't A Black Thing

No, it's orange and stripey.

Nunavut group seeks new Inuktitut word for suicide

Why not use one of their surplus words for snow?

Bill to lift restrictions on D.C. advances

Didn't he already do that with Monica?

Christmas Island detention centre almost full

That's OK, 2 more weeks and they can start filling the Easter Island one.

US wants tough bioweapons ban, but no verification

Something to hide?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Wildlife officials say: Don't pick up dead bear remains

...that's our lunch.

Study: Finger-pointing won't solve water woes

But finger-pulling still relieves gas problems.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Climate protesters descend on summit

Wouldn't it have been greener to use the ski-lift?

Man 'battered and burned ex-wife'

Did he forget to grease the frying pan?

Gambler Lost $127M in 2007, Sues Casino

Hoping for better luck this time?

Are Parents Having the 'Sex Talk' Too Late?

Clearly. Once you're a parent, it's too late.

Friday, December 4, 2009

'Poor judgment' blamed in state dinner lapse

Was it the failure to give the Salahis a proper invitation?

Couple scrap wedding list and ask for blood instead

Are they from Transsylvania?

Woods 'snoring' after car crash

Did he drive off in his sleep?

Shortage of Eggo waffles could create a sticky situation

A flood of surplus maple syrup?

Obama family lights National Christmas Tree

Oh, is there a national religion now?

What Drugs Are Our Astronauts On?

Nothing. Being spaced out is part of their job.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Two in three Britons think UK has immigration problem

And the other third are immigrants.

Should we stop buying Christmas gifts?

Not for 3 more weeks.

Dinner Crashers 'Respectfully Decline' Congress Invite

Naturally. The food's better at the White House.

Arsonist to hang over deadly porno parlour blaze

Wouldn't spit-roasting cook him more evenly?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Lie detector expert jailed for lying

What does that do for his credibility?

Pandas 'chirp' to get pregnant

Is that why some people tweet?

After year of fights, shooting, historic Sumner High School may close

Seems a shame to end the tradition...

Women Cops 'Had It In For Knox Over Sex Toy'

Had what in?

Left, Right Slam Obama Plan

Which means it's probably about right.

White House Party Crashers Blame Dead Cell Phone

Hey, if I kill my cell phone, can I go to a state dinner too?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Virginia Couple Denies Crashing White House State Dinner

Oh, so it was Tiger Woods who crashed it?

Movement under way in California to ban divorce

Is it sponsored by Reno, Nevada?

Defense Lawyer Calls Amanda Knox "Naïve"

How do you pronounce that?

Dubai's Woes Are a Blow to Sheik Mo, Its Ambitious Ruler

Maybe he should ask Sheiks Larry and Curly to help him?

Monday, November 30, 2009

US lawmakers hope to question White House gatecrashers

Are these lawmakers not invited to state dinners either?

Court won't keep paraplegic killer in prison

But will they give him back his wheelchair?

Are London's pedestrian crossings as safer as they should be?

Clearly not.

Woman killed by car at site where granddaughter was killed

When will that family learn to stay away?

Cops: Suspect in Officer Executions May Be Dead

They hope.

Alleged Nazi Guard on Trial for 27,900 Deaths

Why bother? He can only die once, and will soon enough anyway.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Prison population increases by 6%

I always said mixed-sex jails were a bad idea...

Dubai Request for Debt 'Standstill' Raises Fear

When even the Arabs have no money, times are hard.

Free elderly care 'too expensive'

But how could it be cheaper?

Government delays new ban on Internet gambling

While they try to get lucky and reduce the Federal deficit?

Spin of Wheel May Determine Judge in 9/11 Case

And the verdict?

L.A. Unified school choices are a confusing maze

It's an intelligence test: the smartest kids find the best schools.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

President Obama Pardons Turkey

That's something Armenians will never do.

Man Who Predicted Future on Saudi Death Row for 'Witchcraft'

Bet he didn't see that coming...

Cancer-stricken New Yorker Jasmina Anema set to meet Obama

Why not? He has more hope of curing her than of fixing the economy.

UN renews campaign against domestic violence

Shouldn't they be more concerned about foreign violence?

Judge Lance Ito gives up after thieves repeatedly swipe his nameplate from court

With thieves in his courtroom every day, what did he expect?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Queen's Bermuda visit repeats a trip made in 1953

By now there's nowhere new for her to go.

New chief named after metal detector flap in Harris Co.

So what was the flap's name?

Obama Prepares for First State Dinner

Will he be having Turkey?

Flooding hits Cork city businesses

Don't worry, they'll float.

Last salute for Army bomb victim

May he rest in pieces.

Franklin To Teach When Term Ends

To an empty classroom?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Design fixed for 1,000mph car

Great! Now we just need some roads to drive it on.

Drugs Could Reverse Down Syndrome Symptoms

But isn't Up Syndrome almost as bad?

FBI runs out of leads in civil rights killings

However slow they worked, this was bound to happen in the end.

Man shot in chest at gas station

Bad place to hide.

Teenager jailed for kicking death

Moral: don't mess with the Grim Reaper.

Lawyer: Hasan ‘has no sensation’ below chest

Those 72 virgins won't be of much use to him, will they?

Michael Jackson Wins 2 Music Awards

One's for decomposing... but what's the other one for?

When Your Boss Wants Your DNA

I say screw her.

Unofficial event in Dallas marks 46th anniversary of Kennedy assassination

Note to Barack: stay away.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Woman Accused of Offering Sex to Get Out of Speeding Ticket

However, the officer had been warned about fast women.

Eastenders Chistmas Scripts Are Stolen

Were they going to sing "no R, no R?"

Man Who Strangled Wife During Dream Is Freed

I bet his cellmate is relieved.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Hundreds of sheep dead after truck crash

The exact number is unknown; no-one can stay awake long enough to count them.

Afghanistan is world's worst place to be born: UN

But a good place to die.

The Most Used Words in Sarah Palin's Book

By a journalist with nothing better to do than count them.

Emissions debate gets personal

"Who farted?"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Mammogram Guidelines Roundly Rejected

Because squarely wasn't appropriate?

DC Staff To Revive Nation's Oldest Gay Newspaper

The AC staff, however, are out in the cold.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Heart Disease Found in Egyptian Mummies

Unfortunately, too late to help them.

Roof topples in final stage of Dallas' Reunion Arena demolition

So what was holding it up?

Couples 'to have two IVF cycles'

So they can ride side by side?

Bomb disposal expert killed in blast

Expertise has its limits, apparently.

Monday, November 16, 2009

US shuttle takes worms into space

Hoping to create time-travel wormholes?

Nation's largest publisher of gay newspapers closes

But gloomy news still sells.

Feminists can be à la mode, says head

Can I have one with vanilla caramel fudge?

Gut disorder 'blamed on leaks'

Isn't it usually the other way round?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hundreds of reindeer drown in icy river

Christmas will be a little late this year...

Attorney: Fort Hood Suspect May Be Paralyzed

He certainly won't walk.

Inmate-sex prison officer jailed

Is that a punishment or a reward?

Turkey high-speed train derails

Has the gravy train been sidelined as a result?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Many Scots 'miss energy savings'

How uncanny.

Wife snares husband by posing as schoolgirl

There's a comic opera just waiting to be written here.

Universities reject Kindle over inaccessibility for the blind

Will they also reject printed books?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Woman Charged after Shopping with Loaded Gun

Trying to stop her runaway cart?

Human Extinction: How Could It Happen?

Who would care if it did?

New dinosaur discovered in South Africa

"New" is of course a relative term.

New warning on 'perfect vaginas'

Yes, avoid those people at all costs.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Spider Weaves Star of David Web

Like Charlotte, her message is "don't eat the pig."

'Noisy sex' woman who kept neighbours awake loses appeal

Good. The less sex she gets, the more sleep for her neighbors.

Homeless man gets a final warning

...that he will no longer be homeless?

Woman passes driver's test on 950th try


Monday, November 9, 2009

Legendary Lost Persian Army Found in Sahara

They deserted.

Rape accused claims he cannot have sex, court hears

In jail, nobody can have sex. At least that's the theory...

Keep Your Meat Safe From E. Coli

...always use a condom.

Dalai Lama holds mass gathering

Is the Dalai Lama Catholic?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Nick's Headlines is taking a break

Will return next week...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Crabs trade sex for protection

Is that why the sex trade needs protection from crabs?

Tokyo Stations Use Lights to Cut Suicides

Wouldn't lasers clear the tracks quicker?

Probe spies iron on Mercury

But nobody knows where they wash their clothes.

Disneyland to reach Chinese city of Shanghai

Making Main Street USA over 6,500 miles long.

Cave man 'raped woman by sea'

Of course, rape wasn't a crime back then.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Health Official Says Flue Vaccine Safe

Does it prevent hearth disease?

Lizards, rodent, frog added to endangered list

The witches were busy this Halloween...

Rolling Stone Wood wins rock gong

There seems to be some confusion about materials here...

Lower Your Taxes: 10 Moves to Make Now

Bermuda's nice at this time of year...

Microsoft Warns Online Gamers Of Worm Attacks

Not forgetting zombies, aliens and space monsters...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Clinton wishes he had left White House "in a coffin"

Where could he have got one big enough?

Building in S.F. not expected to grow for years

Maybe if they tried watering it...

Study: Man-eating lions consumed 35 people in 1898

Wow!  I can't wait for the 1899 figures.

Warship forged with '9/11 steel' sails into New York

What makes up the other 2/11?
UPDATE: Oh, now I get it. It means 9% Cr, 11% Ni, 80% Fe.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Is there such a thing as too much sleep?

Yes, it's called death.

Critics Say Photos of Kim Jong Il Really Of a Look-Alike

Was it really Kim Jong III?

Woman hit by two trains

To be hit by one train may be regarded as a misfortune.  To be hit by two...

Complaints of an Increase in Tattoo Mistakes

But it seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Drugs, guns seized in 'Room Service'

A big store?  I suspect monkey business!

Never-ending sales on furniture 'have to stop', MP says

"Must end soon"?  For real?

Obama restores private intel board's key power

Wow!  He can fix computers too?

Google opens OneBox music service

So did Pandora.

Southern Md. man wins National Duck Stamp competition

How many ducks did he have to stamp on?

Coyotes kill folk singer

Who said canines have no taste for music?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Spain to exhume purported grave of Garcia Lorca

Wrong grave, guys.  We distinctly said Alfredo Garcia.

Obama girls get swine flu shots, Obama will wait

Is he secretly hoping for a week off work?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Church of Scientology Convicted of Fraud in France

Had they just offered salvation, presumably they'd have been legal.

Dead girl 'met man on internet'

The sooner Facebook blocks those dead people, the better...

Man On Mars Hopes Hinge On Rocket Test

I don't suppose he'll be coming home any time soon...

Northwest pilots say they were distracted by laptops

Lucky them.  Most of us are limited to texting while we drive.

Fossil skull of huge sea dinosaur is found on England's south coast

How far from Piltdown was it found?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Student Fatally Shoots Himself in Professor's Office

Was he rehearsing Scene I of The Philanthropist?

Flagler Co. Releases Sex Offender List for Halloween

Ooh! Scary! Which one shall I dress as?

One in 10 inmates is sex offender

That's the proportion on arrival. It's larger on release.

Hotelier to Hispanic workers: Change names

Well, would you want to be served by Manuel?

Why experts say younger, smarter wives make for a long marriage

Because old ones die soon and stupid ones become tiresome.  Duh!

Madoff investor drowns in Florida pool

Those who swim with the sharks will sink with them too...

25% jump in cross-Border shopping - survey

The other 75% just walk, though.

Apology doesn't satisfy cited 'non-English-speaking driver'

Because it wasn't in Spanish?

Big Treasury Auctions Loom

No more woven money?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Pilots Blame ‘Heated Discussion’ for Missing Airport

Were they arguing whose turn it was to land the plane?

Pam Anderson launches anti-seal hunt campaign

Why is she looking for a puncture?

Barriers loom on road to plug-in cars

Like, how to stop the cables from tangling?

Ignore school bus flashers, get a ticket

Or photograph them and get arrested for kiddie porn...

Bands ask if their music used on Gitmo detainees

If so, will they demand royalty payments?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Scientists conduct first rabbit womb transplants

To make them less fertile?

Commercial real estate bust looms

So did Ned Ludd.

Russia, BONY Reach Settlement

About time too.  It's been almost 200 years since his retreat from Moscow.

One of world's smallest microscopes is at UW

It's so tiny, they need another microscope to see it.

Afghan election runoff: As officials scramble, some voters dig in heels

Is there a shortage of workboots?

Can ads make Google and YouTube more attractive?

Maybe, if the cans aren't too ugly.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Flat body murder probe launched

Easy: just follow the steamroller tracks.

Runaway bus misses man

But when a man misses a bus, that's not news.

Miracle baby may be home for Christmas

Something Jesus didn't achieve.

Backpackers 'having a lot more sex'

But presumably using fewer positions?

Senate OKs transfer of Gitmo prisoners for trials

...of experimental medical treatments?

Alcohol hinders IVF, couples warned

On the other hand, it assists the natural method.

FF backbenchers criticise plan for lower drink-driving limits

Yes, it would stop them driving home from work.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Nick's Headlines is on Vacation

I'm taking a break from blogging--back on October 21.

Israeli rabbis rule against 'Shabbat elevators'

Silly rabbis!  Shabbat is for rest, not stair-climbing!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Psychologists Offer Some Hope for Treating Hoarding

Wood preservative is cheaper, though.

Republicans attack Obama on U.S. dollar

Yes, let's keep George Washington there.

Banned From Churches, Sex Offenders Go to Court

Suing for the right to prey?

Oops! Hack lets anybody join the MySpace network on Facebook

Why is MySpace even using a rival service?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Senate approves apology to American Indians

Will they have Letterman read it on his show?

Grant seals return to Portsmouth

Already?  Winter is arriving early this year.

Giant Dust Ring Is Discovered Around Saturn

Is the planet's vacuum cleaner broken?

Pirates attack navy ship 'in error'

Gilbert and Sullivan would have had a field day with that one...

Survey says: 3 out of 10 prefer cell phones over sex

They're the ones whose phones vibrate?

Probe Launched Into Deadly River Pollution

Within minutes, it dissolved.

More motorists die on rural roads

...because urban traffic is so sloooooow.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Convertibles 'bad for the ears'

... and disastrous for the hair.

Brain Waves Surge Moments Before Death

Yes, it's your life flashing before you.

Food vendor collapses and dies in Dodger Stadium press box

PS: Anyone want 100 boxes of Cracker Jack?

Inmate relives pain of botched execution

He's lucky to be able to...

Embattled Letterman tells 'Late Show' audience he's trying to save marriage

He's joking, of course.

United tries $249 fee to check bags for a year

Does it cost more if you want them back sooner?

Girl's starvation death 'was preventable'

Yes, it's called 'food'.

Man released from death row, dies in crash

Statistically, the highways are riskier than death row...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Justices Decline to Hear Some 2000 Cases

After 9 years, I'm not surprised...

Homeless Man Gets 15 Years for Stealing Box of Cereal

Let's hope he likes porridge too.

Despite Loss of Legs, Conn. Teen Excels in Swimming

Why not? Fish manage well enough.

FTC: Bloggers Must Disclose Payments

That won't take me very long...

Teenage girls jump to their deaths in suspected suicides

Suspected?  Unless they found broken bungee-cords, I'd say definite.

Sleeping with boss often leads to trouble

But then, so does sleeping with anyone else.

Judge accused of sex with inmates

His defense: judicial privilege?

Cinemagoers flock to Zombieland

But how many come back alive?

Pilots protest over flying hours

Why protest if they're having fun?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Opinioin poll put Tories in clear lead

With 101%?

FBI Fears Terror Group Targeting U.S

And when the FBI's afraid, we should be very afraid...

Jobs Cuts Unexpectedly Accelerate

I blame those floor mats...

Census: U.S. immigrant population flat

Of course, they only counted the ones who weren't hiding...

Qantas criticised over foreign butter

Nobody cares that they buy foreign jet fuel, though...

White House: Olympics vote not repudiation of Obama

No, just of Chicago.

Juvenile behind presidential assassination survey, feds say

So when do we get the results?

Man's ashes laid to rest in computer

Let's hope they remembered to disconnect the fan...

Video Of Captured Israeli Soldier Released

Captured video of released soldier would be better, though.

La. Teacher Union Files Complaint Against Recuiter

Upset by his spelling?

Man jailed for new father murder

A double patricide?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sully Flies Again

Watch out, geese!

Michael Jackson was healthy before death

So why did he need a live-in doctor?

What's Wrong With Tori Spelling?

Tory would be better.

The Brain Processes Facts and Beliefs the Same Way

Why not, if it believes the facts?

Court order served over Twitter

Great idea!  Limit lawyers to 140 characters!

Madge Would Rather Be Hit By Train Than Marry

Either way, she'd have to stand in front of one.

Madonna on marrying Jesus: No!

That would be incest!

White House to Fox News: You lie!

And Fox News calls itself "Fair and Balanced". Who do you trust?

Democrat says GOP wants sick to just 'die quickly'

Is it better to die slowly?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

General Motors to shut down Saturn

Will Ford shut down Mercury next?

SMU censures Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity over Watermelon Bash event

For disregarding vegetable rights?

Powerful Quake Strikes Off Indonesia

Powerful indeed.

Mothers born outside Ireland more likely to brestfeed

Apparently, the Irish are unfamiliar with the idea...

Klansas City utility is cited over sewage spill

That town stinks in more ways than one.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Most Suicide Bombers Have Three Things in Common

1: Fundamentalism; 2: Explosives; 3: Eternal damnation.

Sea Turtles Heading to the Water Need Help

By flushing them down the toilet?

Hitler's Skull? Test Casts Doubt On Soviet Artifact

If it was an artifact, why test it at all?

9 in 10 teens short on fruits and veggies

So wouldn't meat help them grow taller?

New York Teen Injures Self After Building Possible Bomb

Lucky it wasn't an actual bomb, or he'd be dead.

Man Held Over Woman's Body In Suitcase

Wasn't it a bit crowded in there?

Facebook removes 'Should Obama be killed?' poll

Were the responses swamping their servers?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Drunk barrister talked to fridge, inquiry told

Was he tired of addressing the bench?

Cops: Sick Man Dies After Friends Dump Him on Road

Proving that cops define "friends" rather broadly.

Pensioners face raised rents

But can it launch a thousand ships?

Essay by 10-year-old McCartney praises the Queen

And 44 years later, he gets knighted.

Navy seizes cocaine 'worth £240m'

That should help with their budget...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Puppies born in police cruiser

Was the bitch arrested for littering?

Fanged Frog Found in Bangkok

Is this a sequel to An American Werewolf in Paris?

'Bin Laden' urges Afghan pull-out

But it's his fault we're there.

Ohio Mother Implanted With Wrong Embryo Gives Birth

Pushing the cuckoo out of the nest...

Dying patients may lose medicine

Have they looked under the bed?

Inquiry after police officer seen eating sausage roll

Who took his doughnut?

Michael Jackson praises Princess Di, Hitler in new book

Which of them can he now visit?

Cold, Scared Dinosaurs Dug Burrows

Didn't save them, though.

FBI Terror Stings Show We Still Have to Be Concerned

Yes, don't buy bombs from strangers.

Leaders Demand Iran Open Nuclear Plant

I thought they wanted it closed...

Durable Goods Unexpectedly Fall

Now we can see just how durable they really are.

DARPA Wants Space Cleaning Ideas

How about a vacuum cleaner?

CanJet hijacker unaware actions were illegal: lawyer

Is that the best defense he could come up with?

Burning animal video found after dogfight arrest

Someone was trying to destroy the evidence?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Water detected on the moon, buried ice on Mars

Bet they don't have beer, though...

Twitter's Value Is Set at $1 Billion

Which makes the average tweet worth about a nickel...

Cabdrivers want fare hike, vomit fee

With smoother driving they wouldn't need that fee.

Swine flu cases continue to rise

Zombie alert!

'Meatless Monday' at city schools aimed at delivering healthier food

What was wrong with Fleshless Fridays?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Can Elephants Predict Earthquakes?

No, only the giant turtle below them can.

New guidelines on assisted suicide

Do they say how much rope to give a man?

Excess ethanol blamed in breakdown of police cars

And in many of their passengers too.

Near-universal passing provokes debate on school test standards

Are the tests too easy, or might the schools actually be doing their job properly?

Obama: U.S. Can't Fix the World Alone

Does he hope to fix the whole galaxy?

Defense rests in Illinois restaurant killing trial

They shouldn't take such lazy lunches.

Women 'need to be drunk to have sex'

Oh, so that's the secret?

I was hazed for 2 years, gay sailor says

Would he rather have been hosed?

Iran Warns Men not to Sell Women's Undies

But can they still buy them?

Man to ride around Australia on fish, chip oil

Impressive...but how does one chip oil?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Satellite to begin gravity quest

Let's hope it finds just the right amount...

U.S. Taxpayers Pay Millions to Keep Despots Safe at U.N.

Money well spent. Who wants them roaming the streets?

Congress wary of 'plain vanilla' bank proposal

Wouldn't mint be more profitable?

Audio speakers get a new look and feel

Same old sound, though.

Invest in girls to end poverty

A good investment. They grow up in the most delightful way.

Rajiv Gandhi assassin begins fast

But can he keep up the pace?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Cops use stun gun on unarmed amputee

He was also unlegged...

Tyrannosaur Found Mauled by Kin

The coldest case of all?

School Bus Carrying Swim Team Dives Into Pond

The coach wanted to weed out the weakest?

Boston EMT accused of double shooting, then administering aid

Business was slow that night?

Olympic Cyclist's Wife Knocked Off Her Bike

Her husband, however, bought his legally.

Two slain in gang spat at S.F. pizza parlor

How disgusting of them, but isn't their punishment a bit drastic?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Miss California: 'God chose me'

And not the judges?

Huge Sinkhole Traps a Hundred Residents

Why doesn't someone fetch them a ladder?

Uninsured More Likely to Die, Study Finds

Yes, that's why they couldn't get insurance.

Aussies would give up sex before internet

Sex after internet is better, anyway.

Illinois motorist painting fingernails when cyclist was fatally struck

Now more than her nails are red.

Suspect in killing of woman at Yale is called 'control freak'

Pity he couldn't control himself...

Spain indicts alleged 3 ex-Nazis for genocide

Aren't they really being indicted for having lived too long?

Pig herd catches human swine flu

Of course, they call it people flu.

Pang's Death Allegedly Linked to Drugs

Were they painkillers?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Have Your Kids Been Invited to a Swine Flu Party?

No. Should I be upset that they weren't?

Hunter Finds Murderer's Supplies

Are they much different from his own?

Exhumed man 'likely killer' of barmaid Teresa de Simone

She was killed by a zombie?

Film Star's Plea After Coyote Snatches Pet

Does she expect the coyote to return it?

Prisoner treatment at Illinois supermax prison comes under microscope

A review at the cellular level?

Man charged with shooting Seattle sound engineer has fled

Afraid he wouldn't get a balanced hearing?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Low lead levels harming children

They're getting too little of a bad thing?

Mexico rehab clinic patients shot dead after prayers

I guess they weren't answered.

ACORN plans internal probe amid hidden camera scandal

To make sure there are no more hidden cameras?

Did Venus Once Hold Water?

The other way round, according to Botticelli.

Glasgow top for UK drink deaths

That would explain why it's going round and round...

Ohio governor delays execution after executioners have trouble finding inmate’s veins

If they brought back hanging, I bet they could find his neck.

Innovative math program boosts scores at O.C. schools

Instead of adding up the scores, they now multiply them.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

NASA Levitates Mice in Magnetic Field

No use climbing on a chair any more...

Nepal hit by severe goat shortage

No kidding?

Police 'must purge innocent DNA'

Wouldn't purging evil DNA be better?

Officials: Dancers at club broke 6-foot rule

At least they'll have a couple of yardsticks now.

Why Journalists Risk Certain Death or Kidnapping

Apparently, they don't know the meaning of risk.

King Solomon Grand Lodge's Fate Uncertain as Fenty Delays News Conference

Is he reading the new Dan Brown thriller?

Afghan votes 'need 10% recount'

Is that because the winner's margin is 5%?

Former Ky. lawmaker charged with murder

Gotta make 'em to break 'em.

Boy says he shot dad to end punishment

Didn't work, did it?

German youths kick good samaritan to death

I hate to think what they'd have done to a bad one...

Schoolkids vote 13-1 to slaughter lamb

Did you expect them to keep a sheep?

Memorabilia Dealer Sues O.J. Simpson

Why bother, when Ron Goldman's family are still waiting to be paid?

Student's body found on day she was to marry

The corpse bride?

Europe's $57 billion plan to put windmills in the ocean

Wouldn't it be cheaper just to flood Holland?

Monday, September 14, 2009

New Law: Death By Stoning For Adultery


Accounting rule change could boost Apple revenue

At the expense of Orange's?

Thieves raid Pirates of the Caribbean ship

Was it an inside job?

Low carbon zone starts in valley

Where else?

Illiteracy Undermines Afghan Army

That's always a problem when you fight the "students".

Trash in Seattle will be tagged, tracked

... while the tracking tags are trashed.

Marine 'Trust Game' Has Deadly Consequences

But then, so does their work.

British Foreign Office denies ‘secret’ Libya deal

Keeping up their end of the bargain, I see.

Mogadishu residents wake to camel bloodbath

Is that better than asses' milk?

Friday, September 11, 2009

IAAF Mum on Semenya Hermaphrodite Reports

And maybe just a little bit Dad, also?

Mom Had Sex With Son She Gave Up For Adoption, Say Police

Does she have a Jocasta complex?

Army diffuses bomb in Donegal

By gently spreading it out over a large area?

Q&A: How do you define sex?

Very carefully, and certainly not the way Bill Clinton did.

Parsley leaves the Alliance Party

Is he joining the Greens?

Homeowner Charged After Shooting Intruder

How brave! I would have run away.

Rover bosses took £42m from firm

Living up to their name, I see...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Town Maintained Pot in Flower Baskets on High Street

What better place?

GM to let customers return cars for full refund

'Cash for clunkers' is back in business, I see.

California lawmaker admits sex talk, not affair

So he admits he's a liar, but denies he's an adulterer?

Most ancient coloured twine found

Really? I thought most of it was lost for ever.

Missing woman found safe

And went looking for the key?

Typical jumper: 40, white, single and male

Who said white men can't jump?

Ghost-hunting woman falls to death at U of T

Sometimes, the hunter becomes the hunted...

9 women rescued from fake reality show

A double oxymoron!

Phoenix gas bills are set to fall

Why does a phoenix need gas at all?

Hefner divorcing wife, keeping Playmates

Putting business before pleasure?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rogue priest hijacks Mexican airliner

He won't get to heaven that way...

World's Biggest Monopoly Game on Google

At Google though, Monopoly's not just a game...

Ex Cork hurling manager threatened with 'bullet in the head', court hears

Such retaliation seems rather disproportionate...

4,000 litres of alcohol seized at Dublin Port

Party tonight!

No Holocaust studies for Gaza students

Fair enough. Why give them ideas?

Sharing a bed 'is bad for your health'

So are most of life's other pleasures.

Wildfire more than twice the size of Sacramento

...but only produces half as much hot air.

Australia to probe E Timor deaths

Timor mortis conturbat me too.

Report says return to moon isn’t ‘viable’

That's what they said about the Apollo program too.

Teen sailor confident after 'scary' collision

Confident, but is she competent?

One-year-old girl has baby in stomach

Was she born pregnant, like a tribble?

Suicide main cause of death in 15 to 34-year-olds

As medicine advances, I hope to see that age range widen.

Cop's wife charged with hitting husband

Hardly the smartest thing for her to do, was it?

Cost of dying now £7,000, survey finds

But think of the money it saves.

9/9/9 'emergency' dateline set to spark wedding rush

That wasn't how it worked in the US on 9/11.

Ohio Judge Orders Shoplifters To Wear T-shirts

Aw, shucks, no more topless shoplifters.

Obama: 'We Intend To Get Something Done This Year'

...even if we don't know what it'll be?

Sudanese woman released from jail in trouser case

Is that smaller than a suitcase?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

NTSB chief bans staff's cell use while driving

Why not everyone's?

Study: 'Soft' targets more vulnerable

How much did they pay for that study?

Dirty Sanchez man stabbed in shop

Next time I go there, I'd better wash first.

Barclays Fined £2.5m For Reporting Failures

Quite right too. Let's have no more bad news.

Pudding renamed Spotted Richard to stop canteen sniggers

... and now the whole world sniggers.

Fifty Years On, Turkey Still Pines to Become European

... but can't afford to relocate the Bosphorus?

In Michigan, the Disappearing State Fair

Going the way of Brigadoon?

'Put Magda in concentration camp'

Does she have ADD?

200,000 Ballots Tossed for Fraud in Afghan Vote

Hmmm... who did the choosing?

Teenagers 'close to grandparents'

Puberty's getting earlier and earlier these days...

Ignoring the News?


Monday, September 7, 2009

Second liner hit by vomiting bug

Eeeuw, that insect must be ENORMOUS!

Michael Jackson's Bejeweled White Glove Sells for Nearly $50

That's all?  How quickly they forget...

Workers Scramble To Repair Crack In Bay Bridge

I hope they're not using "Beaumont's Egg".

Sudan Journalist Fined $200 for Wearing Trousers

A bargain, compared with the penalty for not wearing them...

Clinton outraged by guards' sexual misconduct

Was it worse than her husband's?

Ex-Oprah head may testify

I didn't know she'd had a transplant...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

'The Beatles: Rock Band,' 4.5 stars

John, Paul, George and Ringo make 4, but who's the other 0.5?

Crack in span may delay Bay Bridge opening

While they try to retrieve it?

Cost of children putting women off babies

No wonder.  After all the birth pains, sleepless nights, crying and dirty diapers, it's the last straw.

Mary Queen of Scots' last letter to go on show

Does the writing trail off suddenly?

Obama aides leave room for healthcare compromise

Taking the dispute outside, I see.

Google's gourmet embarrassed on 'Top Chef'

Why can't I find the details behind this headline?

Severed Feet Are Not Human: Police

They're calling in Mulder and Scully...

HSE calls for better labelling on alcohol

They're hard to read, after the first few.

CDC Chief Says His Kids Will Get Vaccine

No surprise, they're first on the waiting list.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Friday, September 4, 2009

Long Island nun arraigned on charges of drunk driving

She swears she only drank iced tea...

Tab for Palin resignation tops $40,000

Money well spent, some would say.

Job Losses Moderate; Rate at 9.7%

That's moderate unemployment?

Space Junk Expected to Miss Space Station

She was impregnated by aliens?

Doctor had 'sickening' child porn

...but claims he was trying to cure it?

Obama Works Phones For Health Care Bill

Even the President has to take a second job these days...

Why the Rich Clip More Coupons Than the Poor

They can afford better scissors?

Transsexual wins move to women's jail

Begging the question: which way did s/he change?

Man injured in Cork stabbing

He must have very thin skin.

Poorly labelled alcohol leaves 'consumers in the dark'

Methanol or ethanol?  There's a big difference.

Cemetery search over dead babies

Good place to look for them...

Gates open to raising troop level in Afghanistan

They'll be hard to close...

U.S. Buys Pork to Support Industry

Barrels and barrels of it.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Police officer 'urinated' on poker machine

Hoping for a flush?

Whistleblower asks Queen for help

Wouldn't a younger person have stronger lungs?

Top 10 Computer Worms of All Time

I don't think I'll click on that webpage.

Feds detail who dies from swine flu

Playing God, as usual.

Why Parents May Cause Gender Differences in Kids

Is it perhaps because they often have gender differences themselves?

Obama Seeks to Turn Tide in Health Debate

Maybe he'll have better luck than Canute.

U.K. Docs Worry Patients Dying Prematurely

But reassuring them wouldn't be honest.

Prehistoric Hand Axes Older Than Once Thought

Once, they were thought to be new.

Expect heavy rainfall from today's storms

What else?  I was hardly expecting meatballs.

Stanford University endowment loses big

Apparently, so did this headline.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Dying Manson follower loses bid for parole

No Libyan welcome for her...

Pompey 'just avoided going under'

Unlike Pompeii.

Obama's plan to speak to schoolchildren ignites furor in Dallas area

Because he doesn't plan to drive there in an open motorcade?

FAA Tightens Rules Over Hudson River

But will the geese pay any attention?


I'm changing the layout of the blog.  From now on, each headline will appear in a separate post, instead of combining each day's headlines into a single post.  This way, you'll get them sooner.  Hope you like the change.

More Headlines: Sep 2

Hijackers shoot dead cop
- Waste of a bullet.

Nearly 1 in 10 California seniors failed to pass high school exit exam
- After so many years, does it matter?

Freed journalists suspect they were trapped
- Yes, that's what "freed" implies.

Slim majority oppose Obama's health-care plan
- Naturally. They're the ones who least need it.

At 40, the Internet still reshaping history
- Thanks to Wikipedia, anyone can rewrite it.

Domestic battery case dropped against porn star
- Her vibrator's external power source?

Road widening can't go on forever, state leaders say
- Obviously not, or they won't have any state left.

Ancient wall found in Jerusalem
- What, another one?

BP Makes Gulf Oil Discovery
- Gulf Oil, however, has always known about BP.

Michael Jackson's estate will pay funeral costs
- Glad to see he died within his means.

Headlines: Sep 2

Bank robber: I did it to get away from wife
- Yeah, right.

US dinosaur had Chinese cousin
- Back then, they were neighbors.

Blast Kills Afghan Intelligence Official
- So much for Afghan intelligence.

Hunt on for Indian politician after chopper vanishes
- Perhaps he went to bury the hatchet?

N.Y. Wrong-Way Driver to Be Exhumed
- Was she buried the wrong way too?

Gay marriage critics file for DC referendum
- Wouldn't an AC/DC one be fairer?

SkyEurope collapse hits passengers
- They should have heeded Chicken Little.

Donor says he got $20,000 for kidney
- Wow!  How much would a seller have got?

Report: Woman blames shoplifting on her weight gain
- Which in turn she blames on her bank-robbing husband?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Headlines: Sep 1

Gay to have surgery after season
- Competing in the Women's League next year?

Report: Murdered Pastor Left Nude in 'Crucifix Position'
- What a place to leave one!  No wonder she was struck down.

Hamas leader denies Nazi genocide of Jews
- He wants to take the credit for himself?

Next Atlanta mayor could be white
- Why not?  It's happened before...

911 Tapes Released in Ga. Trailer Park Murders
- But the 912th is still a suspect.

Libya says Lockerbie bomber in hospital
- Oh, so now they admit he was the bomber?

Nigeria Indicts 5 Ousted Bank Chiefs
- Good.  Maybe now they'll stop emailing me about dormant accounts.

'I just think about climate change all the time. It's all I do'
- Get a life.

1 in 3 teenage girls tell of sexual abuse
- Fortunately, 2 in 3 still keep quiet.

Boeing Makes Executive Change
- Enforcing the company dress code across the board, I see.

Ban on production of old light bulbs begins
- Why ban the impossible?

UK teenage girls 'worst drunks'
- That's why I prefer older lushes.

TV Chef Pleads Guilty To Hare Coursing
- The traditional Jugged Hare recipe is now illegal.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Headlines: Aug 31

Spider phobia treatment goes online
- But arachnophobes won't touch the Web.

China's 'unluckiest generation' reflects on cost of revolution
- And on its pronunciation?

New Orleans Sees an Opportunity to Improve on Its Past
- That won't be difficult.

Texas law makes Sept. 11 a holiday for firefighters
- And a field day for arsonists?

Economists Are Split on Inflation
- Next time, don't blow them up so hard.

Baker Hughes to Buy BJ Services
- Does his wife know?

Heavier Drinking Linked to Heavier Exercise
- If elbow-bending counts...

Conn. Man Advertises Parents on Craigslist for $155
- Is there an extra “n” in that headline?

Therapist charged with having sex with 14-year-old
- And isn’t there a space missing from this one?

EU to begin phasing out standard lightbulbs
- Once again, the lights are going out all over Europe.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Headlines: Aug 30

Thousands mourn Iraqi Shia leader
- Millions don't.

Fort Bliss soldier charged with murder incompetent for trial
- But not for military service?

Garrido admitted to drug-fueled sex fantasies
- How come they never let me in?

Mentally ill woman shot by cops sues
- Are they like gangsters molls?

Kidnapped Girl Etched in Tahoe Community's Heart
- You can still see her artwork on Main Street.

Experts: Media today would demand Chappaquiddick answers
- Kennedy today would not give them.

What happens to your virtual world after you die?
- Your Second Life goes on.

TV chat show star Simon Dee dies
- Simon Dee ceased.

Why is blood so costly?
- Well, would you want to use cheap blood? Thought not.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Headlines: Aug 29

Kidnapping Suspect Admitted to Disturbing Sexual Fantasies
- Whose did he disturb? Or was he admitted?

India loses contact with Moon satellite
- It's gone round to the Dark Side?

Man, 23, gets 2 life terms plus 100 years in kidnapping case
- And then to be fined £40?

Pakistan suicide bomber training camp destroyed
- By overeager trainees?

Man stole woman's car on date
- He wanted her body and her chassis.

Safety drives over bank holiday
- All very well, but can he keep Death off the roads?

‘Halloween II’ is a vile sequel to a lazy remake
- Is that criticism or praise?

GM Sees Chevy Inroads in Europe
- Are those pickups or SUVs?

Halting Recovery Divides U.S. in Two
- Like the Mountain Range, the economy is rocky.

Banks deemed too big to fail emerge even bigger
- Ultimately they'll fall even harder.

First Lady visits Aids clinic
- Had to happen sooner or later.  Disease is no respecter of rank.

Mega Millions jackpot hits $333 million
- Big deal.  That's only a third of a Mega Thousand.

Woman's frantic 911 call helps convict her killer
- I suppose it was of some use in the end.

Californians Sweat Out Wildfires
- A new way to save water?

Apple: Exploding iPhones Not Our Fault
- Then whose?  Suicidal eJihad apps?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Headlines: Aug 28

CDC Turns to Twitter, Facebook to Promote H1N1
- Viral marketing?

Nixon dug deep for dirt on Ted Kennedy (AP)
- But Obama will have it put back soon...

Faraway planet sent giant chunk of spam
- Or was it Nigerians with a fake return address?

What is the fate of leftover frozen embryos?
- Sooner or later, the freezer will break down...

Obama to Rule on China Tire Imports
- Ban them - they chip far too easily.

American Eagle's Net Tumbles
- No problem, it can still swoop for its fish.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Headlines: Aug 27

FDIC Fund Shrinks Amid Rising Bank Failures
To help when bankers go bonkers?

Man drowns in fishing contest at Rend Lake
Sometimes, the fish wins.

Website calculates risk of dying
That's easy.  It's 100%.

Pink Slip Party in Jacksonville
Can I go in pajamas instead?

Doer steps down as Manitoba premier
I guess he's done now.

Study: Scent of Cut Grass Is Calming, Boosts Memory
Is that cut with tobacco or something else?

After JFK assassination, Edward Kennedy never visited Dallas
I don't suppose Mrs Lincoln went back to the theater, either.

Pair of fronts could bring some heat relief to Houston
Are those Y-fronts?

Air Rifle Boy Was Shot At Makeshift Range
Is that nearer or further than point-blank?

Auschwitz blueprints given to Israeli PM
As the person least likely to use them?

Historians make musical discovery on 16th Century carving
Grinling and Orlando Gibbons were related?

Milton Bradley lashes out
Don't worry, they'll be back in by game time...

Monkeys hold key to genetic cure
Throw them some bananas, they’ll probably let you grab it.

Astronomers find what appears to be a suicidal planet
Big deal. Environmentalists found one long ago.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Headlines: Aug 26

Don't wait, get help for insomnia before it is a habit
I see Conrad Murray is advertising for new patients.

Walgreen to Offer Caterpillar Drugs
Just say no, Mr. Caterpillar!

Bankers least likely to employ mentally ill people
And the Postal Service is most likely?

Death marks the end of Camelot
by Tom of Warwick?

Many religious orders go to Internet to find new members
So do many transsexuals...

Ovarian cancer 'is being missed'
By women who were attached to their tumors?

South Korea Rocket Launch A 'Half Success'
So was the Space Shuttle Challenger’s...

Toys 'R' Us Offers Discounts for Used Baby Products
Better not buy diapers there...

Woman arrested at BWI with 2 1/2 pounds of cocaine in bra

Houston police officer roughed up in East End
His West End was unharmed, however.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Headlines: Aug 25

Review of alleged detainee abuse to have narrow scope
In what orifices was it allegedly inserted?

Royal Opera, Bayreuth To Release Wagner DVSs
Are those digital video six-packs?
Venomous Snake On The Loose In Florida
Don’t worry, the gators will get it.

Uncertainty Surrounds Iran's Nuclear Capability
Yes, it’s called the Heisenberg principle.

Karzai, chief rival neck and neck in Afghan vote
Soon they’ll be in bed together...

US Chamber of Commerce seeks trial on global warming
Turn the heat up two degrees and see what happens?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Headlines: Aug 24

Actual news headlines from the Web
With my comments below

Bernard Madoff 'dying of cancer'
Time to send him to Libya?

Malaysian Authorities Postpone Whipping of Woman
Holding out for a better video-distribution deal?

Founder of Kaplan test centers, dead at 90
He finally passed....

3 years after demotion, Pluto debate rages on
Why can't he walk on his hind legs like Goofy?

Baghdad bombing leaves hole in diplomatic corps
Should there be an "e" at the end of that sentence?

LA firefighters find pot growing in burning home
And now they have the munchies....

Pastor Found Dead Inside Her Church
Serves her right for looking in the crypt....

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Headlines: Aug 23

Here is the news: these are all actual news headlines from the Web
And here are my comments.

Obama vacation takeoff delayed by Hurricane Bill
Did he consider using his veto power on it?

Tension Increases as China and Australia Grow Closer
Wouldn’t that cause compression, not tension?

Lawmaker Targets NJ Inmates’ Illicit Cell Phones
Why call them cell phones if they’re not intended for prisoners?

Medical Robot Makes Rounds at Texas Army Hospital
Does it also make rounds on the golf course?

The world’s first cocaine bar
Thanks, but I think I’ll stick to chocolate.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Headlines: August 22

Here’s my commentary on today’s news–these are all actual news headlines from the Web.

Some Dealers Stop Taking ‘Clunkers’
Now if only some dealers would stop selling them….

Jackson Burial Postponed, Judge Approves Exhibition
A lying-in-state for the King of Pop?

Community comes out for Filipinos in Carson and the South Bay
That wouldn’t have made the headlines in West Hollywood.

Venice Beach murder mystery endures: Who buried a man in the sand?
I suspect his kids.