Monday, December 30, 2013

Denver airport bans marijuana possession

So much for being the Mile High City.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Scientists Find Less Mercury in the Arctic Than Expected

Yes, it's called the thermometer effect.

Astronauts to Embark on Spacewalk

Shouldn't that be disembark?

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Mandela's death likely to boost South African tourism

Were pro-Apartheid diehards staying away on his account?

Monday, November 25, 2013

California lawmakers seek to ban imitation firearms

Do they want us to play with real ones?

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Will probe bring justice in town's rape scandal?

That rather depends on where it's inserted.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Sunday, November 10, 2013

LeVar Burton on Google Glass: 'It disturbed me'

Isn't he used to hi-tech eyewear by now?

Monday, October 21, 2013

Hitchhiking virus confirms saga of ancient human migration

So hitchhiking's now recognized as a disease?

France fury at US phone surveillance

What Gallic gall! Who do they think invented 'espionage'?

Is Breathing in China as Bad as Smoking?

That depends how fine it's ground.

Dead baby found in Las Vegas casino trash bin

Which just goes to prove that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

2 BART workers killed after being struck by train

When the workers strike, the trains strike back.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Living relatives of iceman mummy found

Police expect to file charges soon.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Pills made from poop cure serious gut infections

At which end does one insert them?

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Friday, September 27, 2013

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Monday, September 2, 2013

US swimmer Diana Nyad approaching Florida on Cuba swim

When did her kind learn to swim in salt water?

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Bradley Manning says he wants to live as a woman

Well, that should liven up his jail time.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Bill gives California youths convicted of murder second chance

Makes sense: they'll do a better job than the first-timers.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Nurse Suspected of Killing Up to 46 Kids to Get Out of Prison

Some people will do anything for freedom.

NSA: We Touch Only 1.6% Of Internet Traffic

The other 98.4% is porn, which they don't admit to watching.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Obama cancels upcoming meeting with Putin

Putin is reportedly put out.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Snowden remains stuck at Moscow airport

I didn't know he had died.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Porn Producers Say Unprotected Sex Is Free Speech Right

Yet they're in favor of cruel and unusual punishments.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Married Dads Whose Wives Don't Work Make More Money - Career News

Duh. That's because wives of men who make good money don't need to work.

South Africa presidency denies Mandela in "permanent vegetative state"

No, it's strictly temporary.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Human Head Transplants Now Possible, Italian Scientist Claims

Um, shouldn't that say body transplants?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Friday, June 7, 2013

U.S. intel chief blasts leaks on web, phone use tracking

Oh, he doesn't like to be spied on?

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Extinct Giant Lizard Named After Jim Morrison

What goes around, comes around: Marc Bolan named his band after one.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Glow-in-the-Dark Cockroach Among Top 10 New Species

Does it run and hide from others of its kind?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Murgatroyd comments on the week's news

The Government is worried that it's running out of money
  and the banks in Cyprus all are shut, which isn't very funny,
And Saint Malachy has prophesied this Pope will go to ruin
  and with global warming coming we shall all be soon a-stewing,
And the Communists are threatening to sabotage the Internet
  the Taliban has nullified the Pakistani cabinet,
And teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter!

So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Crazy teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter,
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter,
Crazy teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter,
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter,
  matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
  matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Friday, March 1, 2013

Monday, January 28, 2013

Study: Nearly half are overqualified for their jobs

Isn't that a reason not to study?