Sunday, December 18, 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

China Manufacturing Weakest Since '09

Maybe I'll wait before buying those new dishes.

Notable deaths of 2011

So there are to be none in December?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Scientists: Modern humans mated with different species

Big deal. The video evidence has been on the Internet for years.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Harold Camping says the end of the world is definitely Oct. 21

But there are still 14 months left on my Mayan calendar!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Asian Tiger Mosquito Spotted in Southern California

Doesn't that make it an American leopard mosquito?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Scientists Reveal How Hummingbirds Sing with Their Tail Feathers

But they can't yet explain how politicians do it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Heat-Seeking Missiles Vanish From Libyan Stores

Was it getting too chilly for them?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Shark fin soup one step closer to being banned in California

If they can eat us, why can't we eat them?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Saturday, August 6, 2011

How Arctic leader shot dead killer polar dear

Eskimo Nell all over again?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Borders to Shut Down

But will that stop the illegal immigrants?

Friday, July 8, 2011

IMF agrees to give Greece $4.2 billion

How many chambermaids does that pay for?

Tears and cheers as the world bids farewell to shuttle

So it's not coming back?

Friday, June 24, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Japanese underworld tries to cash in on tsunami clean-up

It created the tsunami, so why not reap the rewards?

Porn star to reveal links with Representative Weiner

How will she choose the lucky sausage?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Runner in half-marathon dies, race shuts down

In Hades, Pheidippides laughs scornfully.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Seniors seek public’s help in dog-snatching

They can't run fast enough themselves.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Man Found in Trash Can Likely Died of Multiple Stab Wounds

Trash cans make poor armor, apparently.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Lawyer Warns Mladic Will Die Before Trial

So execute him now and save everyone's time.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Senate Finance Budget Shrinks Spending 10 Percent

That's better than hiring full-price psychiatrists.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Calif. family finds mountain lion in garage

They wanted a Jaguar, but only got a Cougar.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Friday, May 13, 2011

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Captured reporter's parents press case for her release

That won't work until they get the right combination.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

CDC: Suicide rates rise and fall with the economy

Yes, depression has many faces...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Two missing after sewage tank bursts

Well, who wants to go looking for them in deep shit?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Coast Guard probing reports of "sheen" in Gulf of Mexico

I guess he chose not to hang out with the raffle winner after all.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

"Not realistic" to think Japan reactor will reach criticality

Like it was not realistic to expect a tsunami on the same day as an earthquake?

Monday, March 14, 2011

Japanese PM says the nation facing worst crisis in over 60 years

They got nuked that time too.

Nuclear 'meltdown' no 'China Syndrome,' engineers say

No, it's a "thousand miles east of Uruguay" syndrome.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Friday, March 4, 2011

Monday, February 28, 2011

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Chinese Security Officials Respond to Call for Protests

And dutifully register their official protests.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Internet Use in Bahrain Restricted, Data Shows

Bad idea: instead of surfing the web, now they'll go out and riot.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Politicians playing poker with California budget

At least there's some chance of balancing it that way...

Courtroom Conflict: Julian Assange's Prosector Accused of Anti-Men Bias

Favoring the female sector?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

A tense calm grips Egypt

Better than relaxed turbulence, I suppose.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Retired Avondale police dog dies

Logically, for there to be "Top Stories" there must also be ones like this.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

4,535 pounds of pot found on cattle truck in Arizona

Of course. How else would you make pot roast?

Janitor shoots California school principal to death

Who will clean up the blood?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Study: Super Bowl Stress Can Raise Heart Deaths in Fans

Is it stress, or cholesterol-laden chips?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Looters Rip Heads Off 2 Mummies At Egyptian Museum

Will that prevent them from returning to power?

Friday, January 28, 2011

Egypt's Internet goes dark during political unrest

A modern-day plague, or just a "denial" of service?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tucson restaurant won't serve African lion tacos

That's OK, he doesn't like tacos anyway.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Banker Ensnared in Galleon Case

I see even Gringotts has its share of problems these days.

Greens pull out of Irish coalition government

So what color will we wear on March 17?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Balls back at the heart of Labour as Johnson quits

I have trouble visualizing this anatomically.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bits: Pay by Phone at Starbucks

And download an appuccino?

Self-Assembling Structures Open Door to New Class of Materials

Those smart buildings must be stopped, or they will take over the world!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Joint Replacements Keep Dogs in the Running

It's cheaper to replace the whole dog.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Clone technique could revive the mammoth

Don't. We worked hard to exterminate them.

Giffords' Recovery a 'Miracle,' Doctor Says

Not if you consider the nature of congressional brains.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Triangle Square to get 24 Hour Fitness

Just the place to get in shape.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Gabrielle Giffords shooting: Jared Loughner may get a renowned public defender

After killing a judge, where can he find an impartial court?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

What is prayer?

God only knows.

US, China defense chiefs mend frayed military ties

Have defense spending cuts gone too far?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Monday, January 3, 2011

Broken Glass Yields Clues to Climate Change

I say the glass fell because the weather changed, not the other way round.

VAT rise 'puts £250,00 jobs at risk'

Especially this sub-editor's.