Fire strikes safety testing lab

Fail!

Club soda: Fine for cocktails and stain removal, not for killing ants

I'm not surprised. Soda makes a lousy club.

Google still thinks it can change China

Why not? It's changed the rest of the world.

Obama, Republicans Exchange Barbs At Retreat

He swapped a Barbie doll for Barbara Bush?

Sanitary pads 'cut school absenteeism'

Aren't the lessons absorbing enough?

Overweight elderly 'live longer' than those of normal weight

That's because only the healthiest of the overweight survive to become elderly.

Cheap Car Holds Stacks of Phony Cash

How much more for one with real cash inside?

Haiti memorial for UN quake dead

If that fails, maybe voodoo will stop the zombies.

Warming space spam could annoy alients

As every alient knows, Spam is a dish best served cold.

Toyota: Owners Should Keep Driving Cars

Especially when the cars won't stop.

Mt. Washington Loses Wind Gust Record

It blew away?

Kyrgyz hunger strike for freedoms

They should at least be allowed vowels.

Cop shoots kangaroo in street

That's kangaroo justice for you.

Hospitals 'should screen for clots'

To keep them out, or keep them in?

Long Beach agrees to $6.2-million settlement over underground oil tanks

I wouldn't choose to settle there...

'Hundreds of Aussies' stranded in Peru

I don't know who to be sorrier for.

David Copperfield's accuser charged with prostitution

Don't be surprised if she mysteriously disappears...

Gary Coleman Arrested in Utah

That's a long way from Avenue Q.

Pope asks priests to become more Web savvy

4giv me fathr 4 i hv sind?

Visitor loses balance, damages Picasso work

No surprise. Those paintings can make anyone dizzy.

Bill Gates: What Will It Take to Save the World?

A 2-zettabyte hard drive should be enough...

117 Russians in hospital after drinking holy water

That stuff sure sorts out the saints from the sinners...

More tainted milk products found in China shops

Blame it on the bulls.

In audio message, bin Laden says he endorsed Dec. 25 airline bomb plot

Who does he think he is...the Grinch?

13 months later, expert in Mexico kidnappings still missing

Proving once again that some "experts" aren't all they're cracked up to be.

No sex before marriage: Abbott

With that name, what else can he say?

Census count starts with No. 1 in Alaska

So will they count Florida last? That caused a lot of problems in 2000...

San Bernardino loses its Jewish congregation

A city named for a saint can hardly complain when that happens...

Bellerive Says Reports of Haiti Violence Aren't True

... and the reports of the earthquake damage are grossly exaggerated.

Train runs over drunk sleeper

That shouldn't matter, as long as the rails are sober.

Thousands of Georgia Children Lacking Second Shots

Good idea, that way they'll learn to hit the target first time.

Student 'Set Alight' At Fancy Dress Party

What did he expect when he dressed as a Roman candle?

Britons held over synagogue fires

...and slowly roasted?

Blind, deaf grandma jailed for benefit fraud

How will she even know she's in jail?

Police Say Georgia Mom Forced Son to Kill Hamster

Oh, are hamsters a protected species in Georgia?

'Noisy sex' woman spared prison

Out of consideration for her fellow inmates?

Suspension of West Texas sheriff remains

Strange fruit indeed...

N.C. Casino Cleans Slots Every 2 Hrs to Beat Virus

Will they also practice money laundering?

Straw To Be Grilled Over Secret Iraq Letter

That should incinerate it well enough...

Man held in solder murders probe

Sounds painful...

Despite recession, bank robberies dropped in 2009

Even the banks have no money these days...

Cops scour area where trucker was stabbed

Quite right too. Nobody likes seeing those bloodstains.

Man found shot multiple times

He must also have lost it multiple times.

Gunman Who Shot Pope Released From Prison

It's called "turning the other cheek."

Dispute over Gulf's name halts Islamic Solidarity Games

So much for Islamic solidarity.

Biggest UK mosque plans collapse

Better than having an unplanned collapse...

Filmmaker: Movie About Balloon Boy's Dad Could Clear Him

Clear him how much?

Two soliders killed in Afghanistan named

Were they liquidated?

Diamond Oceans Possible on Uranus, Neptune

I think I'll give that particular investment opportunity a miss.

Haiti Tries to Dig Out as Corpses Pile Up

With aftershocks continuing, I hope they're not piled too high.

Latinos and blacks in California more likely to die of H1N1 than whites

That's because whites aren't usually as dangerous as H1N1.

Top traffic cop apologises after being caught speeding

For not knowing where his officers were?

Dementia 'not getting priority'

Out of mind, out of sight...

Haiti survivors sleep in streets

And they are the lucky ones...

Right to buy laws to be unveiled

How much for a law banning traffic jams?

Housing executive paid $685,000 a year to run nonprofit

How generous of him.

Oregon Activists Want State-Grown Marijuana

Yeah, none of that California weed.

Cab driver returns $21,000 to passenger

Fare enough.

White House garden ‘ex-seeds’ expectations

That's terrible. Please leave the punning to qualified bloggers like me.

The Latest Tiny, Trendy Pet: Micro-Pigs

Didn't Shakespeare write a play about one?

Hiccups man has brain operation

Sounds risky...

Rival Gangs 'Forced To Share Same Guns'

How can they have a fair fight then?

Blagojevich: 'I'm blacker than Barack Obama'

Oh, is he planning to run for President?

Girl weeps blood 'up to 50 times a day'

It's a bloody miracle...

Crime lord's dildo fell off in raid, court told

I guess that makes him a crime lady now...

Road salt shuts down Cleveland airport

Moral: runway salt is worth the extra cost.

Egypt Finds New Tombs Near Pyramids

Who's building them?

Blondes fare badly in young scientists' IQ tests

It's because they're light-headed.

Togo leaves African Cup of Nations

Will they now change their name to "Gone"?

Obama faults self for lax air security

But what about all the other airports?

Mesa native helps unearth new dinosaur

There's no such thing.

Ford brings digital comforts to cars

Driving gloves? That's hardly a new idea.

Supernova Star Blast 'Could Wipe Out Earth'

At Sky News, they live up to their name.

Female toads inflate to avoid sex

That would put off even the horniest toad...

Tiger hides at billionaire's mansion

Doesn't he know they're an endangered species?

Dead Octopuses Wash Up on Portuguese Beach

What brand of soap are they using?

Why Black Holes Are Winning Respect

You don't want to go near something that can stop time.

London Zoo keepers make annual animal head count

1, 1, 1, 1, 1 ....

Obama slams intelligence failings in US plane plot

Harsh words, coming from one who can't protect his own house from party crashers.

US to Suspend Gitmo Detainee Transfers to Yemen

Yes, Yemen has enough terrorists already.

Slingshot attack lands man in jail

Will he be able to catapult himself out again?

British team says elusive G-spot may be a myth

But looking for it was so much fun...

South Africa's president marries third wife

To avoid accusations of bigamy?

US screening unfair, says Nigeria

Yes, and so is blowing up planes.

Kubica to stay with Renault team

Shouldn't he be with Nissan?

At Landover middle school, philosophy is part of lunch menu

Can I get a Bacon Plato (a la Descartes)?

Ex-mayor admits stealing women's underwear

Nick snickers.

Diesel Spill Contaminates Yellow River

So what color does that make it now?

'Too many' children slow to talk

So do too many drivers.

Tories 'not ruling out tax rises'

In fact, they're not ruling anything yet.

New Year baby born in the back of a car

Was he conceived there too?

When policemen are caught looking at Web porn

...they call it evidence.

Google exec runs for Vt. governor

Why can't I find any information about the other candidates?

Saturday's date is a palindrome

As in, "Bob sees Anna; Anna sees Bob"?

Elton John Says he Is Helping Eminen Fight Drugs

Sounds like your own speech is a bit slurred, Elton.

Tests: "Nothing wrong" with Limbaugh's heart

But have they tested his soul?

Economists Are Often Cheapskates

They have a tendency to over-economize?

Man shot by police was carrying replica gun

Maybe it was only a replica, but it fooled the cops.