General Motors to shut down Saturn

Will Ford shut down Mercury next?

SMU censures Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity over Watermelon Bash event

For disregarding vegetable rights?

Powerful Quake Strikes Off Indonesia

Powerful indeed.

Mothers born outside Ireland more likely to brestfeed

Apparently, the Irish are unfamiliar with the idea...

Klansas City utility is cited over sewage spill

That town stinks in more ways than one.

Most Suicide Bombers Have Three Things in Common

1: Fundamentalism; 2: Explosives; 3: Eternal damnation.

Sea Turtles Heading to the Water Need Help

By flushing them down the toilet?

Hitler's Skull? Test Casts Doubt On Soviet Artifact

If it was an artifact, why test it at all?

9 in 10 teens short on fruits and veggies

So wouldn't meat help them grow taller?

New York Teen Injures Self After Building Possible Bomb

Lucky it wasn't an actual bomb, or he'd be dead.

Man Held Over Woman's Body In Suitcase

Wasn't it a bit crowded in there?

Facebook removes 'Should Obama be killed?' poll

Were the responses swamping their servers?

Drunk barrister talked to fridge, inquiry told

Was he tired of addressing the bench?

Cops: Sick Man Dies After Friends Dump Him on Road

Proving that cops define "friends" rather broadly.

Pensioners face raised rents

But can it launch a thousand ships?

Essay by 10-year-old McCartney praises the Queen

And 44 years later, he gets knighted.

Navy seizes cocaine 'worth £240m'

That should help with their budget...

Puppies born in police cruiser

Was the bitch arrested for littering?

Fanged Frog Found in Bangkok

Is this a sequel to An American Werewolf in Paris?

'Bin Laden' urges Afghan pull-out

But it's his fault we're there.

Ohio Mother Implanted With Wrong Embryo Gives Birth

Pushing the cuckoo out of the nest...

Dying patients may lose medicine

Have they looked under the bed?

Inquiry after police officer seen eating sausage roll

Who took his doughnut?

Michael Jackson praises Princess Di, Hitler in new book

Which of them can he now visit?

Cold, Scared Dinosaurs Dug Burrows

Didn't save them, though.

FBI Terror Stings Show We Still Have to Be Concerned

Yes, don't buy bombs from strangers.

Leaders Demand Iran Open Nuclear Plant

I thought they wanted it closed...

Durable Goods Unexpectedly Fall

Now we can see just how durable they really are.

DARPA Wants Space Cleaning Ideas

How about a vacuum cleaner?

CanJet hijacker unaware actions were illegal: lawyer

Is that the best defense he could come up with?

Burning animal video found after dogfight arrest

Someone was trying to destroy the evidence?

Water detected on the moon, buried ice on Mars

Bet they don't have beer, though...

Twitter's Value Is Set at $1 Billion

Which makes the average tweet worth about a nickel...

Cabdrivers want fare hike, vomit fee

With smoother driving they wouldn't need that fee.

Swine flu cases continue to rise

Zombie alert!

'Meatless Monday' at city schools aimed at delivering healthier food

What was wrong with Fleshless Fridays?

Can Elephants Predict Earthquakes?

No, only the giant turtle below them can.

New guidelines on assisted suicide

Do they say how much rope to give a man?

Excess ethanol blamed in breakdown of police cars

And in many of their passengers too.

Near-universal passing provokes debate on school test standards

Are the tests too easy, or might the schools actually be doing their job properly?

Obama: U.S. Can't Fix the World Alone

Does he hope to fix the whole galaxy?

Defense rests in Illinois restaurant killing trial

They shouldn't take such lazy lunches.

Women 'need to be drunk to have sex'

Oh, so that's the secret?

I was hazed for 2 years, gay sailor says

Would he rather have been hosed?

Iran Warns Men not to Sell Women's Undies

But can they still buy them?

Man to ride around Australia on fish, chip oil

Impressive...but how does one chip oil?

Satellite to begin gravity quest

Let's hope it finds just the right amount...

U.S. Taxpayers Pay Millions to Keep Despots Safe at U.N.

Money well spent. Who wants them roaming the streets?

Congress wary of 'plain vanilla' bank proposal

Wouldn't mint be more profitable?

Audio speakers get a new look and feel

Same old sound, though.

Invest in girls to end poverty

A good investment. They grow up in the most delightful way.

Rajiv Gandhi assassin begins fast

But can he keep up the pace?

Cops use stun gun on unarmed amputee

He was also unlegged...

Tyrannosaur Found Mauled by Kin

The coldest case of all?

School Bus Carrying Swim Team Dives Into Pond

The coach wanted to weed out the weakest?

Boston EMT accused of double shooting, then administering aid

Business was slow that night?

Olympic Cyclist's Wife Knocked Off Her Bike

Her husband, however, bought his legally.

Two slain in gang spat at S.F. pizza parlor

How disgusting of them, but isn't their punishment a bit drastic?

Miss California: 'God chose me'

And not the judges?

Huge Sinkhole Traps a Hundred Residents

Why doesn't someone fetch them a ladder?

Uninsured More Likely to Die, Study Finds

Yes, that's why they couldn't get insurance.

Aussies would give up sex before internet

Sex after internet is better, anyway.

Illinois motorist painting fingernails when cyclist was fatally struck

Now more than her nails are red.

Suspect in killing of woman at Yale is called 'control freak'

Pity he couldn't control himself...

Spain indicts alleged 3 ex-Nazis for genocide

Aren't they really being indicted for having lived too long?

Pig herd catches human swine flu

Of course, they call it people flu.

Pang's Death Allegedly Linked to Drugs

Were they painkillers?

Have Your Kids Been Invited to a Swine Flu Party?

No. Should I be upset that they weren't?

Hunter Finds Murderer's Supplies

Are they much different from his own?

Exhumed man 'likely killer' of barmaid Teresa de Simone

She was killed by a zombie?

Film Star's Plea After Coyote Snatches Pet

Does she expect the coyote to return it?

Prisoner treatment at Illinois supermax prison comes under microscope

A review at the cellular level?

Man charged with shooting Seattle sound engineer has fled

Afraid he wouldn't get a balanced hearing?

Low lead levels harming children

They're getting too little of a bad thing?

Mexico rehab clinic patients shot dead after prayers

I guess they weren't answered.

ACORN plans internal probe amid hidden camera scandal

To make sure there are no more hidden cameras?

Did Venus Once Hold Water?

The other way round, according to Botticelli.

Glasgow top for UK drink deaths

That would explain why it's going round and round...

Ohio governor delays execution after executioners have trouble finding inmate’s veins

If they brought back hanging, I bet they could find his neck.

Innovative math program boosts scores at O.C. schools

Instead of adding up the scores, they now multiply them.

NASA Levitates Mice in Magnetic Field

No use climbing on a chair any more...

Nepal hit by severe goat shortage

No kidding?

Police 'must purge innocent DNA'

Wouldn't purging evil DNA be better?

Officials: Dancers at club broke 6-foot rule

At least they'll have a couple of yardsticks now.

Why Journalists Risk Certain Death or Kidnapping

Apparently, they don't know the meaning of risk.

King Solomon Grand Lodge's Fate Uncertain as Fenty Delays News Conference

Is he reading the new Dan Brown thriller?

Afghan votes 'need 10% recount'

Is that because the winner's margin is 5%?

Former Ky. lawmaker charged with murder

Gotta make 'em to break 'em.

Boy says he shot dad to end punishment

Didn't work, did it?

German youths kick good samaritan to death

I hate to think what they'd have done to a bad one...

Schoolkids vote 13-1 to slaughter lamb

Did you expect them to keep a sheep?

Memorabilia Dealer Sues O.J. Simpson

Why bother, when Ron Goldman's family are still waiting to be paid?

Student's body found on day she was to marry

The corpse bride?

Europe's $57 billion plan to put windmills in the ocean

Wouldn't it be cheaper just to flood Holland?

New Law: Death By Stoning For Adultery

New?

Accounting rule change could boost Apple revenue

At the expense of Orange's?

Thieves raid Pirates of the Caribbean ship

Was it an inside job?

Low carbon zone starts in valley

Where else?

Illiteracy Undermines Afghan Army

That's always a problem when you fight the "students".

Trash in Seattle will be tagged, tracked

... while the tracking tags are trashed.

Marine 'Trust Game' Has Deadly Consequences

But then, so does their work.

British Foreign Office denies ‘secret’ Libya deal

Keeping up their end of the bargain, I see.

Mogadishu residents wake to camel bloodbath

Is that better than asses' milk?

IAAF Mum on Semenya Hermaphrodite Reports

And maybe just a little bit Dad, also?

Mom Had Sex With Son She Gave Up For Adoption, Say Police

Does she have a Jocasta complex?

Army diffuses bomb in Donegal

By gently spreading it out over a large area?

Q&A: How do you define sex?

Very carefully, and certainly not the way Bill Clinton did.

Parsley leaves the Alliance Party

Is he joining the Greens?

Homeowner Charged After Shooting Intruder

How brave! I would have run away.

Rover bosses took £42m from firm

Living up to their name, I see...

Town Maintained Pot in Flower Baskets on High Street

What better place?

GM to let customers return cars for full refund

'Cash for clunkers' is back in business, I see.

California lawmaker admits sex talk, not affair

So he admits he's a liar, but denies he's an adulterer?

Most ancient coloured twine found

Really? I thought most of it was lost for ever.

Missing woman found safe

And went looking for the key?

Typical jumper: 40, white, single and male

Who said white men can't jump?

Ghost-hunting woman falls to death at U of T

Sometimes, the hunter becomes the hunted...

9 women rescued from fake reality show

A double oxymoron!

Phoenix gas bills are set to fall

Why does a phoenix need gas at all?

Hefner divorcing wife, keeping Playmates

Putting business before pleasure?

Rogue priest hijacks Mexican airliner

He won't get to heaven that way...

World's Biggest Monopoly Game on Google

At Google though, Monopoly's not just a game...

Ex Cork hurling manager threatened with 'bullet in the head', court hears

Such retaliation seems rather disproportionate...

4,000 litres of alcohol seized at Dublin Port

Party tonight!

No Holocaust studies for Gaza students

Fair enough. Why give them ideas?

Sharing a bed 'is bad for your health'

So are most of life's other pleasures.

Wildfire more than twice the size of Sacramento

...but only produces half as much hot air.

Australia to probe E Timor deaths

Timor mortis conturbat me too.

Report says return to moon isn’t ‘viable’

That's what they said about the Apollo program too.

Teen sailor confident after 'scary' collision

Confident, but is she competent?

One-year-old girl has baby in stomach

Was she born pregnant, like a tribble?

Suicide main cause of death in 15 to 34-year-olds

As medicine advances, I hope to see that age range widen.

Cop's wife charged with hitting husband

Hardly the smartest thing for her to do, was it?

Cost of dying now £7,000, survey finds

But think of the money it saves.

9/9/9 'emergency' dateline set to spark wedding rush

That wasn't how it worked in the US on 9/11.

Ohio Judge Orders Shoplifters To Wear T-shirts

Aw, shucks, no more topless shoplifters.

Obama: 'We Intend To Get Something Done This Year'

...even if we don't know what it'll be?

Sudanese woman released from jail in trouser case

Is that smaller than a suitcase?

NTSB chief bans staff's cell use while driving

Why not everyone's?

Study: 'Soft' targets more vulnerable

How much did they pay for that study?

Dirty Sanchez man stabbed in shop

Next time I go there, I'd better wash first.

Barclays Fined £2.5m For Reporting Failures

Quite right too. Let's have no more bad news.

Pudding renamed Spotted Richard to stop canteen sniggers

... and now the whole world sniggers.

Fifty Years On, Turkey Still Pines to Become European

... but can't afford to relocate the Bosphorus?

In Michigan, the Disappearing State Fair

Going the way of Brigadoon?

'Put Magda in concentration camp'

Does she have ADD?

200,000 Ballots Tossed for Fraud in Afghan Vote

Hmmm... who did the choosing?

Teenagers 'close to grandparents'

Puberty's getting earlier and earlier these days...

Ignoring the News?

   

Second liner hit by vomiting bug

Eeeuw, that insect must be ENORMOUS!

Michael Jackson's Bejeweled White Glove Sells for Nearly $50

That's all?  How quickly they forget...

Workers Scramble To Repair Crack In Bay Bridge

I hope they're not using "Beaumont's Egg".

Sudan Journalist Fined $200 for Wearing Trousers

A bargain, compared with the penalty for not wearing them...

Clinton outraged by guards' sexual misconduct

Was it worse than her husband's?

Ex-Oprah head may testify

I didn't know she'd had a transplant...

'The Beatles: Rock Band,' 4.5 stars

John, Paul, George and Ringo make 4, but who's the other 0.5?

Crack in span may delay Bay Bridge opening

While they try to retrieve it?

Cost of children putting women off babies

No wonder.  After all the birth pains, sleepless nights, crying and dirty diapers, it's the last straw.

Mary Queen of Scots' last letter to go on show

Does the writing trail off suddenly?

Obama aides leave room for healthcare compromise

Taking the dispute outside, I see.

Google's gourmet embarrassed on 'Top Chef'

Why can't I find the details behind this headline?

Severed Feet Are Not Human: Police

They're calling in Mulder and Scully...

HSE calls for better labelling on alcohol

They're hard to read, after the first few.

CDC Chief Says His Kids Will Get Vaccine

No surprise, they're first on the waiting list.

Great white sharks tagged for first time off Mass

American Graffiti meets Jaws?

Benedict XVI Is the Second-to-Last Pope, Says Irish Prophet Malachy

And I say Malarkey.

Hatoyama Picks Heavyweights for Cabinet

Sumo wrestlers?

Missing Illinois Boy Found Hidden Behind Wall

Next time, he'll hide under the stairs...

Bid to trace dead woman movements

That shouldn't need much paper...

Democrats urge caution in Afghanistan

Oh, is it a dangerous place?

Long Island nun arraigned on charges of drunk driving

She swears she only drank iced tea...

Tab for Palin resignation tops $40,000

Money well spent, some would say.

Job Losses Moderate; Rate at 9.7%

That's moderate unemployment?

Space Junk Expected to Miss Space Station

She was impregnated by aliens?

Doctor had 'sickening' child porn

...but claims he was trying to cure it?

Obama Works Phones For Health Care Bill

Even the President has to take a second job these days...

Why the Rich Clip More Coupons Than the Poor

They can afford better scissors?

Transsexual wins move to women's jail

Begging the question: which way did s/he change?

Man injured in Cork stabbing

He must have very thin skin.

Poorly labelled alcohol leaves 'consumers in the dark'

Methanol or ethanol?  There's a big difference.

Cemetery search over dead babies

Good place to look for them...

Gates open to raising troop level in Afghanistan

They'll be hard to close...

U.S. Buys Pork to Support Industry

Barrels and barrels of it.

Police officer 'urinated' on poker machine

Hoping for a flush?

Whistleblower asks Queen for help

Wouldn't a younger person have stronger lungs?

Top 10 Computer Worms of All Time

I don't think I'll click on that webpage.

Feds detail who dies from swine flu

Playing God, as usual.

Why Parents May Cause Gender Differences in Kids

Is it perhaps because they often have gender differences themselves?

Obama Seeks to Turn Tide in Health Debate

Maybe he'll have better luck than Canute.

U.K. Docs Worry Patients Dying Prematurely

But reassuring them wouldn't be honest.

Prehistoric Hand Axes Older Than Once Thought

Once, they were thought to be new.

Expect heavy rainfall from today's storms

What else?  I was hardly expecting meatballs.

Stanford University endowment loses big

Apparently, so did this headline.

Dying Manson follower loses bid for parole

No Libyan welcome for her...

Pompey 'just avoided going under'

Unlike Pompeii.

Obama's plan to speak to schoolchildren ignites furor in Dallas area

Because he doesn't plan to drive there in an open motorcade?

FAA Tightens Rules Over Hudson River

But will the geese pay any attention?

Announcement

I'm changing the layout of the blog.  From now on, each headline will appear in a separate post, instead of combining each day's headlines into a single post.  This way, you'll get them sooner.  Hope you like the change.

More Headlines: Sep 2

Hijackers shoot dead cop
- Waste of a bullet.

Nearly 1 in 10 California seniors failed to pass high school exit exam
- After so many years, does it matter?

Freed journalists suspect they were trapped
- Yes, that's what "freed" implies.

Slim majority oppose Obama's health-care plan
- Naturally. They're the ones who least need it.

At 40, the Internet still reshaping history
- Thanks to Wikipedia, anyone can rewrite it.

Domestic battery case dropped against porn star
- Her vibrator's external power source?

Road widening can't go on forever, state leaders say
- Obviously not, or they won't have any state left.

Ancient wall found in Jerusalem
- What, another one?

BP Makes Gulf Oil Discovery
- Gulf Oil, however, has always known about BP.

Michael Jackson's estate will pay funeral costs
- Glad to see he died within his means.

Headlines: Sep 2

Bank robber: I did it to get away from wife
- Yeah, right.

US dinosaur had Chinese cousin
- Back then, they were neighbors.

Blast Kills Afghan Intelligence Official
- So much for Afghan intelligence.

Hunt on for Indian politician after chopper vanishes
- Perhaps he went to bury the hatchet?

N.Y. Wrong-Way Driver to Be Exhumed
- Was she buried the wrong way too?

Gay marriage critics file for DC referendum
- Wouldn't an AC/DC one be fairer?

SkyEurope collapse hits passengers
- They should have heeded Chicken Little.

Donor says he got $20,000 for kidney
- Wow!  How much would a seller have got?

Report: Woman blames shoplifting on her weight gain
- Which in turn she blames on her bank-robbing husband?

Headlines: Sep 1

Gay to have surgery after season
- Competing in the Women's League next year?

Report: Murdered Pastor Left Nude in 'Crucifix Position'
- What a place to leave one!  No wonder she was struck down.

Hamas leader denies Nazi genocide of Jews
- He wants to take the credit for himself?

Next Atlanta mayor could be white
- Why not?  It's happened before...

911 Tapes Released in Ga. Trailer Park Murders
- But the 912th is still a suspect.

Libya says Lockerbie bomber in hospital
- Oh, so now they admit he was the bomber?

Nigeria Indicts 5 Ousted Bank Chiefs
- Good.  Maybe now they'll stop emailing me about dormant accounts.

'I just think about climate change all the time. It's all I do'
- Get a life.

1 in 3 teenage girls tell of sexual abuse
- Fortunately, 2 in 3 still keep quiet.

Boeing Makes Executive Change
- Enforcing the company dress code across the board, I see.

Ban on production of old light bulbs begins
- Why ban the impossible?

UK teenage girls 'worst drunks'
- That's why I prefer older lushes.

TV Chef Pleads Guilty To Hare Coursing
- The traditional Jugged Hare recipe is now illegal.