US lawmakers hope to question White House gatecrashers

Are these lawmakers not invited to state dinners either?

Court won't keep paraplegic killer in prison

But will they give him back his wheelchair?

Are London's pedestrian crossings as safer as they should be?

Clearly not.

Woman killed by car at site where granddaughter was killed

When will that family learn to stay away?

Cops: Suspect in Officer Executions May Be Dead

They hope.

Alleged Nazi Guard on Trial for 27,900 Deaths

Why bother? He can only die once, and will soon enough anyway.

Prison population increases by 6%

I always said mixed-sex jails were a bad idea...

Dubai Request for Debt 'Standstill' Raises Fear

When even the Arabs have no money, times are hard.

Free elderly care 'too expensive'

But how could it be cheaper?

Government delays new ban on Internet gambling

While they try to get lucky and reduce the Federal deficit?

Spin of Wheel May Determine Judge in 9/11 Case

And the verdict?

L.A. Unified school choices are a confusing maze

It's an intelligence test: the smartest kids find the best schools.

President Obama Pardons Turkey

That's something Armenians will never do.

Man Who Predicted Future on Saudi Death Row for 'Witchcraft'

Bet he didn't see that coming...

Cancer-stricken New Yorker Jasmina Anema set to meet Obama

Why not? He has more hope of curing her than of fixing the economy.

UN renews campaign against domestic violence

Shouldn't they be more concerned about foreign violence?

Judge Lance Ito gives up after thieves repeatedly swipe his nameplate from court

With thieves in his courtroom every day, what did he expect?

The Queen's Bermuda visit repeats a trip made in 1953

By now there's nowhere new for her to go.

New chief named after metal detector flap in Harris Co.

So what was the flap's name?

Obama Prepares for First State Dinner

Will he be having Turkey?

Flooding hits Cork city businesses

Don't worry, they'll float.

Last salute for Army bomb victim

May he rest in pieces.

Franklin To Teach When Term Ends

To an empty classroom?

Design fixed for 1,000mph car

Great! Now we just need some roads to drive it on.

Drugs Could Reverse Down Syndrome Symptoms

But isn't Up Syndrome almost as bad?

FBI runs out of leads in civil rights killings

However slow they worked, this was bound to happen in the end.

Man shot in chest at gas station

Bad place to hide.

Teenager jailed for kicking death

Moral: don't mess with the Grim Reaper.

Lawyer: Hasan ‘has no sensation’ below chest

Those 72 virgins won't be of much use to him, will they?

Michael Jackson Wins 2 Music Awards

One's for decomposing... but what's the other one for?

When Your Boss Wants Your DNA

I say screw her.

Unofficial event in Dallas marks 46th anniversary of Kennedy assassination

Note to Barack: stay away.

Woman Accused of Offering Sex to Get Out of Speeding Ticket

However, the officer had been warned about fast women.

Eastenders Chistmas Scripts Are Stolen

Were they going to sing "no R, no R?"

Man Who Strangled Wife During Dream Is Freed

I bet his cellmate is relieved.

Hundreds of sheep dead after truck crash

The exact number is unknown; no-one can stay awake long enough to count them.

Afghanistan is world's worst place to be born: UN

But a good place to die.

The Most Used Words in Sarah Palin's Book

By a journalist with nothing better to do than count them.

Emissions debate gets personal

"Who farted?"

Mammogram Guidelines Roundly Rejected

Because squarely wasn't appropriate?

DC Staff To Revive Nation's Oldest Gay Newspaper

The AC staff, however, are out in the cold.

Heart Disease Found in Egyptian Mummies

Unfortunately, too late to help them.

Roof topples in final stage of Dallas' Reunion Arena demolition

So what was holding it up?

Couples 'to have two IVF cycles'

So they can ride side by side?

Bomb disposal expert killed in blast

Expertise has its limits, apparently.

US shuttle takes worms into space

Hoping to create time-travel wormholes?

Nation's largest publisher of gay newspapers closes

But gloomy news still sells.

Feminists can be à la mode, says head

Can I have one with vanilla caramel fudge?

Gut disorder 'blamed on leaks'

Isn't it usually the other way round?

Hundreds of reindeer drown in icy river

Christmas will be a little late this year...

Attorney: Fort Hood Suspect May Be Paralyzed

He certainly won't walk.

Inmate-sex prison officer jailed

Is that a punishment or a reward?

Turkey high-speed train derails

Has the gravy train been sidelined as a result?

Many Scots 'miss energy savings'

How uncanny.

Wife snares husband by posing as schoolgirl

There's a comic opera just waiting to be written here.

Universities reject Kindle over inaccessibility for the blind

Will they also reject printed books?

Woman Charged after Shopping with Loaded Gun

Trying to stop her runaway cart?

Human Extinction: How Could It Happen?

Who would care if it did?

New dinosaur discovered in South Africa

"New" is of course a relative term.

New warning on 'perfect vaginas'

Yes, avoid those people at all costs.

Spider Weaves Star of David Web

Like Charlotte, her message is "don't eat the pig."

'Noisy sex' woman who kept neighbours awake loses appeal

Good. The less sex she gets, the more sleep for her neighbors.

Homeless man gets a final warning

...that he will no longer be homeless?

Woman passes driver's test on 950th try

Fluke.

Legendary Lost Persian Army Found in Sahara

They deserted.

Rape accused claims he cannot have sex, court hears

In jail, nobody can have sex. At least that's the theory...

Keep Your Meat Safe From E. Coli

...always use a condom.

Dalai Lama holds mass gathering

Is the Dalai Lama Catholic?

Nick's Headlines is taking a break

Will return next week...

Crabs trade sex for protection

Is that why the sex trade needs protection from crabs?

Tokyo Stations Use Lights to Cut Suicides

Wouldn't lasers clear the tracks quicker?

Probe spies iron on Mercury

But nobody knows where they wash their clothes.

Disneyland to reach Chinese city of Shanghai

Making Main Street USA over 6,500 miles long.

Cave man 'raped woman by sea'

Of course, rape wasn't a crime back then.

Health Official Says Flue Vaccine Safe

Does it prevent hearth disease?

Lizards, rodent, frog added to endangered list

The witches were busy this Halloween...

Rolling Stone Wood wins rock gong

There seems to be some confusion about materials here...

Lower Your Taxes: 10 Moves to Make Now

Bermuda's nice at this time of year...

Microsoft Warns Online Gamers Of Worm Attacks

Not forgetting zombies, aliens and space monsters...

Clinton wishes he had left White House "in a coffin"

Where could he have got one big enough?

Building in S.F. not expected to grow for years

Maybe if they tried watering it...

Study: Man-eating lions consumed 35 people in 1898

Wow!  I can't wait for the 1899 figures.

Warship forged with '9/11 steel' sails into New York

What makes up the other 2/11?
UPDATE: Oh, now I get it. It means 9% Cr, 11% Ni, 80% Fe.