Season's Greetings!

Nick's Headlines is taking a break till the New Year. Happy Holidays!

View Star Apologizes for Calling Tiger Woods' Mistress a "Hooker"

Naturally, he has taught her to swing straight.

Tiger Woods gags English media

And the Hollywood call-girls?

School Bus Roof Torn Off In Bridge Smash

When will those buses learn to duck?

RCMP seized pot from woman's bra, court hears

A pair of pots would have looked less suspicious.

Bond on China trade panel

Don't believe it. Universal Export is just a front.

Man arrested after trying to crawl through doggy door

He was lucky not to get bitten...

"Tigergate" Isn't A Black Thing

No, it's orange and stripey.

Nunavut group seeks new Inuktitut word for suicide

Why not use one of their surplus words for snow?

Bill to lift restrictions on D.C. advances

Didn't he already do that with Monica?

Christmas Island detention centre almost full

That's OK, 2 more weeks and they can start filling the Easter Island one.

US wants tough bioweapons ban, but no verification

Something to hide?

Mom Pregnant With 19th Kid Fine After Hospital

For littering?

Wildlife officials say: Don't pick up dead bear remains

...that's our lunch.

Study: Finger-pointing won't solve water woes

But finger-pulling still relieves gas problems.

Climate protesters descend on summit

Wouldn't it have been greener to use the ski-lift?

Man 'battered and burned ex-wife'

Did he forget to grease the frying pan?

Gambler Lost $127M in 2007, Sues Casino

Hoping for better luck this time?

Are Parents Having the 'Sex Talk' Too Late?

Clearly. Once you're a parent, it's too late.

'Poor judgment' blamed in state dinner lapse

Was it the failure to give the Salahis a proper invitation?

Couple scrap wedding list and ask for blood instead

Are they from Transsylvania?

Woods 'snoring' after car crash

Did he drive off in his sleep?

Shortage of Eggo waffles could create a sticky situation

A flood of surplus maple syrup?

Obama family lights National Christmas Tree

Oh, is there a national religion now?

What Drugs Are Our Astronauts On?

Nothing. Being spaced out is part of their job.

Two in three Britons think UK has immigration problem

And the other third are immigrants.

Should we stop buying Christmas gifts?

Not for 3 more weeks.

Dinner Crashers 'Respectfully Decline' Congress Invite

Naturally. The food's better at the White House.

Arsonist to hang over deadly porno parlour blaze

Wouldn't spit-roasting cook him more evenly?

Lie detector expert jailed for lying

What does that do for his credibility?

Pandas 'chirp' to get pregnant

Is that why some people tweet?

After year of fights, shooting, historic Sumner High School may close

Seems a shame to end the tradition...

Women Cops 'Had It In For Knox Over Sex Toy'

Had what in?

Left, Right Slam Obama Plan

Which means it's probably about right.

White House Party Crashers Blame Dead Cell Phone

Hey, if I kill my cell phone, can I go to a state dinner too?

Virginia Couple Denies Crashing White House State Dinner

Oh, so it was Tiger Woods who crashed it?

Movement under way in California to ban divorce

Is it sponsored by Reno, Nevada?

Defense Lawyer Calls Amanda Knox "Naïve"

How do you pronounce that?

Dubai's Woes Are a Blow to Sheik Mo, Its Ambitious Ruler

Maybe he should ask Sheiks Larry and Curly to help him?