Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Snowstorm heads south; some flights canceled
Or maybe you got no presents because you've been naughty this year.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Exploding Qantas A380 engine had a 'potential defect', air safety bureau reports
But not an actual one?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Overcrowding in California's Prisons Reaches Supreme Court
And when that's full up, there's nowhere else.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
CHP to start Thanksgiving holiday enforcement tonight
"Please finish your turkey AND all the stuffing, sir."
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Obama stands by controversial air security screening methods
I don't really want to see the images that accompanied this story.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Scientists witness the apparent birth of a black hole
And if they continue to not see it, that'll confirm it's real.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Proposed new cigarette warning labels include corpses, cancer patients
That'll appeal to the horror movie crowd.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Poll: Four in Five Want New Blood in Congress
And by Halloween, even the senators will have become vampires.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Plan would make 80% of L.A. taxis green in 5 years
If only they could also do that for the traffic signals...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Nick's Headlines is taking a break
I'm taking a break from this blog. I should be back by late October.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Pope's Glasgow visit: pilgrims told to make sacrifices to attend open-air mass
Didn't Jesus replace those with the Eucharist?
Tattoos are free speech protected by Constitution, U.S. appeals court rules
It's called the right to bare arms.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Who is the Rev. Terry Jones?
As director of Monty Python's Life of Brian, he must be an expert on religion.
Justin Bieber takes up 3 percent of Twitter servers
...while the other 97% have equally important information.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Firefighters' Homes Among Those Destroyed in Colorado Blaze
Just as well, really. Saving them would not have looked good.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Woman Devours 181 Chicken Wings in Contest
Somewhere, one poor chicken is flapping around in circles.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Vatican: Pope monitoring Iran woman sentenced to stoning
Serves him right for meddling in Islamic affairs.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Woman accused of stabbings at Target found incompetent to stand trial
Quite right too. Targets are for shooting at, not stabbing.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Montenegro Reaches for Respectability With Port Project
Maybe if they also tried a change of name...
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Obama Supports Mosque Near September 11 Site
But will it stop terrorists from attacking the area again?
Coalition offers $420m for mining, clean coal research
And how much will the oilition pay for drilling research?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
New Arizona law helps shield homebuyers from mortgage abuses
Now watch the banks campaigning to have it declared unconstitutional.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Report: Playmate featured in steamy UCF locker-room shoot; school apologizes
Next time they promise they'll switch on the fan.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Fairmount Park hosting $100,000 quarter horse race
That's an awful lot of quarters for a horse to carry.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Why did Churchill order a cover-up on UFO reports?
It would have been hard to fight them on the beaches...
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Armed robber chooses Jesus over cash
Risky choice. The last thieves who went with him got crucified.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Why Turkey Still Gets a Cold Shoulder From the E.U.
Could it be because 97% of Turkey is outside Europe?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Doctors should tell people they are fat, not obese, minister says
Are they also too stupid to understand long words?
Monday, July 26, 2010
World to Run Out of Internet Addresses by 2012?
Or will it end when the Mayan Calendar runs out of dates?
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tropical Storm Bonnie Makes Landfall Over South Florida
Oh blow the winds o'er the ocean, and bring back my Bonnie to me!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Los Angeles and California lawmakers seek review of security at LAX
Maybe they should start by renaming the airport...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
UK dealer cleared of theft of Shakespeare's plays
A case of "all's well that ends well", or "much ado about nothing"?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
First humans arrived in Britain 250,000 years earlier than thought
Some would say that thought has yet to arrive.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Blue Line train misrouted to Orange Line, bewildering riders
Except for the color-blind ones, who noticed nothing wrong.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
After Branch Kills Baby, New Yorkers Look Skyward
Bad idea. Traffic is much more dangerous than trees.
Bear victim's daughter: Signs may have been removed
So what? The bear wouldn't have read them anyway.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Number of childless American women in their 40s has risen sharply since 1970s
Could this perhaps have something to do with the Pill?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Oil Spill Blackens Pensacola Beach with Mats of Mousse-Like Substance
So there's no need to bring sunscreen?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Spaghetti-NOs: Campbell's Recalls 15M Pounds of SpaghettiOs
Erm, that plural should be spaghetti-NI.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Jimmy Dean Dies at Virginia Home
I don't think I'll be buying those sausages for the next few weeks...
Cabbie ends Extraordinary 14,000km taxi ride
Unfortunately, after his meter hit $99,999.99, it went back to zero.
D.C.'s gay community hopes to wield power in mayor's race
I'm sure there's an electrical joke here, if I could just think of one...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Why Peru's police need Joran van der Sloot to reenact killing
There's this other girl they want eliminated? Or just to make money from video sales?
Monday, June 7, 2010
British twin sisters left seriously injured after attack by fox in their beds
Click the headline if you can't guess who reported this story.
Search for Stacy Peterson yields possum bones, no human remains
And those bones are only pretending to be dead...
Tenet Healthcare Drops Bid for Australian Healthscope
Is that a device that's inserted "down under?"
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Porn actor suspected of murder jumps off cliff, dies after daylong standoff with police
I guess it was a promise...
Cleveland's Anamika Veeramani wins Spelling Bee
Once she learned to spell her own name, she could spell anything.
Friday, June 4, 2010
John R. Wooden Award founder dies at 93 |
Famed UCLA Basketball Coach John Wooden Dies at 99
Both on the same day--what were the odds of that?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Nick's headlines -- now with links!
From now on, my headlines are linked to the underlying news pages. (NB: page headlines sometimes get updated, and all links eventually die.)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Man tried voodoo, black magic against prosecutor and investigators, authorities allege
Didn't work, did it? But is that a crime?
Giant Shears to Try to Cut Oil Pipe
And if that doesn't work, they'll try to block it with a giant squid.
Penalties for Bumping Air Passengers Increase
But it's their own fault when they stick their elbows out into the aisle.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Patients wait an average of 35 hours at L.A. hospital ER, complaint says
If they can wait that long, they don't need to be there...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pope Benedict places blame for sex scandals on Catholic Church
Whatever happened to "The Buck Stops Here"?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Goodwill donations in Fort Worth range from sex dolls to hand grenades
In fact, anything that blows up.
Mom refuses to return racy teen books to public library | What do you think?
I think she gets a kick out of reading them.
Powerful House Chairman David Obey to Retire
Good. I'm tired of seeing his picture plastered up everywhere.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dozens Dead After Storms Batter US South
And with all that oil, will the Deep South soon be deep fried?
Suspect made flight reservation on way to JFK
So now he's in even more trouble—unless he used a handsfree phone.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
URGENT: Body of N.Y. Woman Missing Since '08 Found
Why the rush? Surely another day or two won't matter?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mafia hits 'new low': Seven reputed Gambino mobsters charged with running teenage prostution ring
Those Mafia hookers just didn't have 'it'.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Pope Benedict Promises to Bring Pedophile Priests to Justice
I thought that was a job for his boss...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
U.S. seeks climate ideas after Copenhagen fell short
They should look at what's coming out of Reykjavik...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
AA Jet Makes Emergency Landing in Iceland- Amazing Escape as Plane Breaks Up on Runway
Reports of the plane's breakup are greatly exaggerated...
American Jet Makes Emergency Landing in Iceland on Cabin Fumes
... as are the reports of its running out of fuel.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Suspect in bank heist was on parole for robbing Starbucks
Did he figure out that twenties are better than ventis?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Leeds man spared jail after drunkenly urinating beside war memorial
He only spared it because he ran out of urine...
Monday, April 5, 2010
For aging drivers, knowing when to hang up the car keys can be difficult
Especially when you can't remember where you put them.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Disney bus driver charged in 3rd crash in 2 weeks
They should never have given that job to Mr. Toad.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Officials Find 7m Cigarettes In Lorry
They actually found them a year ago, but have only just finished counting them.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
An alligator ate my Amazon package
That happens when you order from the jungle. In any case, "Amazon package" is an oxymoron.
Clear-Winged Woolly Bat Sings Like No Other
Sings what? Selections from Die Fledermaus? "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Mich. Police: Drunken Driver Called 911 on Herself
Proving that alcohol impairs a driver's judgment.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Mars Rover Hits 20-Kilometer Milestone
Apparently, the Martians don't quite understand the concept of "miles".
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Discharging gays to draw more scrutiny in military
Good. Now we'll find out exactly WHAT they are discharging.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Union claims 'Fly Girls' reality show paints distorted picture of Virgin America flight attendants
You mean, they're NOT all virgins?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Mary, Queen of stamps: Scottish monarch commemorated
Years ago they cut off her head; now they're putting it on a stamp.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Man shot three times by gunman improving at Harborview
When will that gunman improve enough to hit the target?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Dutch nurses’ union: Care does not include sex
Do they have a demarcation agreement with the whores' union?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Study: People would lose 5 pounds a year if soda cost extra 18%
Wow! We'd almost all be weightless by 2050!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
North Korean who shopped for dictators goes public
Why did North Korea need to buy dictators when they grew their own?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
U.N. finds clues Iran is trying to build nuke
Wasn't there something similar with the U.S. and Iraq?
Obama Unveils Plan for Commission to Tackle Federal Deficit
How much commission does he plan to take?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
FAA May Slap American Airlines With Record Fine
So that's why they need to start charging for blankets?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Mortgage Bankers Association Sells Headquarters at Big Loss
Could they have saved money by foreclosing on themselves?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Why a spot of sunbathing may be just the thing to lift a man's libido
Obviously, it's the female sunbathers.
Indonesian man loses six teeth when cigarette explodes
Now that's a clever way to discourage smoking.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Club soda: Fine for cocktails and stain removal, not for killing ants
I'm not surprised. Soda makes a lousy club.
Overweight elderly 'live longer' than those of normal weight
That's because only the healthiest of the overweight survive to become elderly.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Long Beach agrees to $6.2-million settlement over underground oil tanks
I wouldn't choose to settle there...
David Copperfield's accuser charged with prostitution
Don't be surprised if she mysteriously disappears...
Monday, January 25, 2010
117 Russians in hospital after drinking holy water
That stuff sure sorts out the saints from the sinners...
In audio message, bin Laden says he endorsed Dec. 25 airline bomb plot
Who does he think he is...the Grinch?
13 months later, expert in Mexico kidnappings still missing
Proving once again that some "experts" aren't all they're cracked up to be.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Census count starts with No. 1 in Alaska
So will they count Florida last? That caused a lot of problems in 2000...
San Bernardino loses its Jewish congregation
A city named for a saint can hardly complain when that happens...
Bellerive Says Reports of Haiti Violence Aren't True
... and the reports of the earthquake damage are grossly exaggerated.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thousands of Georgia Children Lacking Second Shots
Good idea, that way they'll learn to hit the target first time.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Diamond Oceans Possible on Uranus, Neptune
I think I'll give that particular investment opportunity a miss.
Haiti Tries to Dig Out as Corpses Pile Up
With aftershocks continuing, I hope they're not piled too high.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Latinos and blacks in California more likely to die of H1N1 than whites
That's because whites aren't usually as dangerous as H1N1.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
White House garden ‘ex-seeds’ expectations
That's terrible. Please leave the punning to qualified bloggers like me.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Obama slams intelligence failings in US plane plot
Harsh words, coming from one who can't protect his own house from party crashers.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
At Landover middle school, philosophy is part of lunch menu
Can I get a Bacon Plato (a la Descartes)?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
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