Tourist Dies After Falling Into Active Bali Volcano

I guess he won't be needing a funeral...

An alligator ate my Amazon package

That happens when you order from the jungle. In any case, "Amazon package" is an oxymoron.

Lockerbie response 'disjointed'

But not as badly as the victims were.

Clear-Winged Woolly Bat Sings Like No Other

Sings what? Selections from Die Fledermaus? "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"?

Superman reclaims supremacy over Batman in comic battle

Why didn't the Joker win?

Study: People would donate kidneys for payment

The word is "sell".

Rip Torn: I'm No Bank Robber

More the smash-and-grab type?

Voodooists Honor Victims Of Haiti's Earthquake

Will that pacify the zombies?

Bishops condemn Easter whippings, crucifixions

Umm... don't they owe their jobs to one?

Larger class sizes ahead as teachers collect pink slips

Wearing them will encourage attendance?

Egg donors offered up to $50,000

The Easter Bunny must be a gazillionaire by now.

Mich. Police: Drunken Driver Called 911 on Herself

Proving that alcohol impairs a driver's judgment.

Stealing Electricity from Algae

Green power?

Only God: Who Can Fire a Pope Mired in Sex Scandals?

But could He find a replacement who isn't?

Electronic Undies Can Send Text Messages

Do they vibrate when you reply?

Mars Rover Hits 20-Kilometer Milestone

Apparently, the Martians don't quite understand the concept of "miles".

Grocery Store Customer Gives Kidney to Cashier

She scans it. He pays. Big deal.

Formula One champion caught hooning

But will he keep it once it grows into a hoon?

Can Science Explain the Concept of Heaven?

I'm sure Christian Science can.

Why Do People Swear?

Damned if I know.

Free vitamins for pregnant women

Sounds like a fair exchange...

Discharging gays to draw more scrutiny in military

Good. Now we'll find out exactly WHAT they are discharging.

Union claims 'Fly Girls' reality show paints distorted picture of Virgin America flight attendants

You mean, they're NOT all virgins?

Germany Sets Greek Aid Conditions

Quite right too. Always beware of Greeks seeking gifts.

Mary, Queen of stamps: Scottish monarch commemorated

Years ago they cut off her head; now they're putting it on a stamp.

California governor's race to set spending record

I thought he already had.

Eatery accused of serving whale meat closes

Whale meat again? Don't know where, don't know when.

FAA Faulted for Lax Oversight

Instead of LAX oversight?

Hospital theft suspect claims 'good heart'

Of course, he stole it.

PMS extension dropped to one year

That's still way too long.

Helpful Dads Damage Mother's Self-Esteem at Home

A lazy man's excuse?

Auschwitz sign theft lands 3 in prison

Liberating "Work's liberating" isn't liberating work.

40,000-Year-Old Tools Found at Construction Site

After all these years, work can now resume.

Why Do We Have Daylight Savings Time?

Because who wants to save darkness?

Man Emerges From Coma a Compulsive Artist

Rip Van Gogh?

Coffee Party Founder Wants Common Grounds

Thank you. Please leave the punning to the professionals.

Man shot three times by gunman improving at Harborview

When will that gunman improve enough to hit the target?

Dutch nurses’ union: Care does not include sex

Do they have a demarcation agreement with the whores' union?

Case against Cats star adjourned

Because Macavity wasn't there?

Ohio Death Row Inmate on Suicide Watch After Overdose

Why?

Internet scam targets Madoff victims

On the theory of "go for the easy marks"?

Rush Limbaugh: I'll Leave Country Over Health Bill

Is that a threat or a promise?

Toyota says no flaw found with safety electronics

How hard did they look?

Study: People would lose 5 pounds a year if soda cost extra 18%

Wow! We'd almost all be weightless by 2050!

DUI trial of Lake County judge halted indefinitely

It helps to know who the best lawyers are...

Win Money for Keeping Bears out of Garbage

I always recycle my used bears.

UCF: No more weapon-like props for theater students

Is this a haddock which I see before me?

Swiss Voters Reject Lawyers for Animals

Only asses represent themselves in court...

Who would you give an Oscar to?

Someone who has a spare garbage can.

North Korean who shopped for dictators goes public

Why did North Korea need to buy dictators when they grew their own?

Man swallows flash drive, charged with obstruction

Was he trying to make a backup?