Quake strikes off Fiji

Oh dear, another nation deleted.

After Branch Kills Baby, New Yorkers Look Skyward

Bad idea. Traffic is much more dangerous than trees.

Lower IQs found in disease-rife countries, scientists claim

The smart people have emigrated.

Bear victim's daughter: Signs may have been removed

So what? The bear wouldn't have read them anyway.

Man and Woman Wanted for Store Burglaries

Shouldn't the job also be open to same-sex couples?

Anti-BP Protest Target Tate Art Gallery

Did they shout "oils out, watercolors in"?

French 'Hannibal': 30 Years for Eating Cell Mate

In solitary confinement, I hope.

Number of childless American women in their 40s has risen sharply since 1970s

Could this perhaps have something to do with the Pill?

Bin Laden Hunter Plans to Continue Mission

Good luck, Rogue Male.

Can alcohol help a football team's performance?

Yes, if you watch the match through beer goggles.

Oil Spill Blackens Pensacola Beach with Mats of Mousse-Like Substance

So there's no need to bring sunscreen?

Douglasville Detective Charged with Battery

He shouldn't have held both terminals at once.

French cannibal blames prison system

Was the jail food really that bad?

Cop Arrests Newlywed Rushing to Hospital

Rushing to the maternity ward?

Jamaican 'Drug Lord' Dudus Coke Is Arrested

But cops are still hunting his partner, Dudus Pepsi.

Workers Trapped After China Mine Blast

Someone buried an exploding soup bowl?

Ant head balancing act revealed

It's old. They did that at the flea circus.

Joran's Ex-Girlfriend: 'He Was Romantic'

So was Count Dracula.

Spaghetti-NOs: Campbell's Recalls 15M Pounds of SpaghettiOs

Erm, that plural should be spaghetti-NI.

Aruba detectives to grill Van der Sloot

I say fry him.

Ask CBS News: Is Gulf Shellfish Safe to Eat?

Yes, just light it with a match and it fries itself.

LIVESHOT: Utah Killer Faces Firing Squad

Wouldn't SHOTDEAD be a better descriptor?

60ft Jesus statue burns to ground

Will it rise, phoenix-like, from its ashes after three days?

Armed pair held at Central Command base

"You can't fight in here, this is the War Room."

Cheap drug could save tens of thousands

Dollars or people?

Actor James Farentino Arrested In Battery Case

Those batteries must have been enormous.

Jimmy Dean Dies at Virginia Home

I don't think I'll be buying those sausages for the next few weeks...

U.S. Drops Organic Food Inspector in China

"Waiter, there's an inspector in my soup!"

BP Deploys New Sensors

Or are they really news censors?

Cabbie ends Extraordinary 14,000km taxi ride

Unfortunately, after his meter hit $99,999.99, it went back to zero.

D.C.'s gay community hopes to wield power in mayor's race

I'm sure there's an electrical joke here, if I could just think of one...

Sniffer dogs in line for an award

What are they sniffing while in line?

Utah pipeline break fouls geese, ducks

Weren't they fowl already?

Teen sailor wants 'to give it another try'

...if only someone would give her another boat.

World Cup: England Hands the U.S. a Tie

Trying to make amends for that oil spill?

Search for Ark. flood survivors on hold

Try Mt. Ararat.

Beached whale found on New York beach

What other kind would you expect to find there?

Do Men Suffer More Than Women After Breakups?

Men suffer women and much more every day.

Staff say porn is a 'Virgin Blue custom'

With a name like that, what did the company expect?

Why Peru's police need Joran van der Sloot to reenact killing

There's this other girl they want eliminated? Or just to make money from video sales?

World Cup Domestic Violence Warning

Ladies, don't touch that remote!

British twin sisters left seriously injured after attack by fox in their beds

Click the headline if you can't guess who reported this story.

Obama Seeking 'Ass to Kick'

But shouldn't he kick elephant?

Search for Stacy Peterson yields possum bones, no human remains

And those bones are only pretending to be dead...

Tenet Healthcare Drops Bid for Australian Healthscope

Is that a device that's inserted "down under?"

Obamas to attend Ford’s Theatre gala

After what happened to Lincoln, is that such a good idea?

Egyptian men married to Israelis may lose citizenship

That's not all they have to lose...

Porn actor suspected of murder jumps off cliff, dies after daylong standoff with police

I guess it was a promise...

Porn actor sought in slaying threatens suicide

Is that a threat or a promise?

Cleveland's Anamika Veeramani wins Spelling Bee

Once she learned to spell her own name, she could spell anything.

John R. Wooden Award founder dies at 93 | Famed UCLA Basketball Coach John Wooden Dies at 99

Both on the same day--what were the odds of that?

What Makes Olive Oil Extra Virgin?

Certainly not Bluto.

Body in burning car was teenager

So were most bodies.

Water officials: A cleaner river would be more dangerous

Yes, people might swim in it.

Simple 'SQUID' Solution Could Contain Oil

I see BP has been reading my blog posts from yesterday...

Virgin music festivals cancelled in Canada

Couldn't they find any virgin musicians?

Nick's headlines -- now with links!

From now on, my headlines are linked to the underlying news pages. (NB: page headlines sometimes get updated, and all links eventually die.)

Public defender suspected of choking prosecutor

Well, attack is the best form of defense...

Could Nuclear Explosion Plug Oil Leak?

Or would it make it rain radioactive oil?

Man tried voodoo, black magic against prosecutor and investigators, authorities allege

Didn't work, did it?  But is that a crime?

Giant Shears to Try to Cut Oil Pipe

And if that doesn't work, they'll try to block it with a giant squid.

California voters back pot legalization, but support is shaky

Whatever...

Penalties for Bumping Air Passengers Increase

But it's their own fault when they stick their elbows out into the aisle.

Scientists: Deepwater oil disaster could affect marine life

No? Really?

Cage-fighter jailed for £53m raid

I pity his cellmate.

Court: Suspects Must Say They Want to Remain Silent

Thus waiving the right they claim?

Climber Dies Hours After Conquering Mount Everest

So in the end, the mountain won.