Mark Wahlberg 'praying' for Lindsay Lohan

Careful, Mark. You may get what you pray for.

Doubts over the future of Scottish Water

As long as they can *still* make whisky...

Father speaks out on honeymoon scuba death

Should've stuck to muff diving...

Prehistoric whale stranded at airport

Unlike present-day whales, who know they can't fly.

Elephant that performed at Flea World in Sanford dies

Trampled to death by fleas?

It has been a murder-free summer in Orlando

Shh! Someone might try to remedy that.

87% of Hispanics value higher education, 13% have college degree

Is that the other 13%?

Could drinking alcohol help ward off rheumatoid arthritis?

Or does it just ease the pain?

Obama Drives Chevy Volt...10 Feet!

They really need to equip electric cars with longer cords.

Armed robber chooses Jesus over cash

Risky choice. The last thieves who went with him got crucified.

US seizes marijuana worth $1.7bn

That should help the budget deficit...

Why Turkey Still Gets a Cold Shoulder From the E.U.

Could it be because 97% of Turkey is outside Europe?

Doctors should tell people they are fat, not obese, minister says

Are they also too stupid to understand long words?

Police: Man Robs Bank Wearing Fake Breasts

A bank wearing breasts is just asking for a hold-up.

World to Run Out of Internet Addresses by 2012?

Or will it end when the Mayan Calendar runs out of dates?

Tropical Storm Bonnie Makes Landfall Over South Florida

Oh blow the winds o'er the ocean, and bring back my Bonnie to me!

World's Oldest Dog Debated

Now that's a new trick.

Lost Kafka Writings Resurface, Trapped in Trial

How appropriate.

Will Blagojevich Take the Witness Stand?

Probably, unless it's well screwed down.

Missing teens found safe and well

But could they get it out from there?

WATCH: The Biggest Medicare Bust in History

So they now pay for breast enhancements?

Graduate tax to be proposed

What a great way to discourage education!

Los Angeles and California lawmakers seek review of security at LAX

Maybe they should start by renaming the airport...

Toyota acceleration woes may be driver error

Yes, they bought the wrong car.

Iowa billboard linking Obama, Hitler removed

Who by? Democrats or Nazis?

New cap on well aims to halt leak

But is it on well?

Submarine Deals Helped Sink Greece

Wouldn't Liquid Plumr have been cheaper?

UK dealer cleared of theft of Shakespeare's plays

A case of "all's well that ends well", or "much ado about nothing"?

Legalization could slash the price of pot 80%

That is, until they tax it.

First humans arrived in Britain 250,000 years earlier than thought

Some would say that thought has yet to arrive.

Police make year's largest heroin bust

They could have made an even bigger one with silicon.

Horses Healing Wounded Vets

Isn't that backwards?

Roy Rogers' stuffed Trigger to be auctioned off

They're flogging a dead horse.

8 probed in Eiffel Tower souvenir racket

The Lavender Hill Mob are at it again?

Doctors amputated her wrong leg

So she can't even sue them now.

Top NY state bureaucrats earn nearly $128,000/year

While California's just get minimum wage.

Woman Fakes Own Death to Avoid Foreclosure

Now she just has to avoid burial....

Off-duty Coroners Save Choking Boy At Pa. Eatery

Altruism? Or laziness?

Blue Line train misrouted to Orange Line, bewildering riders

Except for the color-blind ones, who noticed nothing wrong.

Abbott's $1.5bn mental health plan 'crazy'

Yes, but a 'sane' plan would cost far more.