California teen gets stuck in chimney trying to sneak in home after curfew

One less house for Santa to visit.

China Manufacturing Weakest Since '09

Maybe I'll wait before buying those new dishes.

Notable deaths of 2011

So there are to be none in December?

Woman Accuses Cain of Groping; He Denies Charge

He denied killing Abel too.

Scientists: Modern humans mated with different species

Big deal. The video evidence has been on the Internet for years.

Harold Camping says the end of the world is definitely Oct. 21

But there are still 14 months left on my Mayan calendar!

Senate Democrats Seek 5% Millionaire Tax to Pay for Jobs Plan

Too late, he's dead.

Military Lets Chaplains Perform Gay Marriages

Yes, but does God?

California: Councilman Names Dog “Mohammed,” CAIR Demands He Apologize…

...to the dog?

Asian Tiger Mosquito Spotted in Southern California

Doesn't that make it an American leopard mosquito?

Cop who staged shooting 'a digrace,' schools chief says

The pot calling the kettle black?

Scientists Reveal How Hummingbirds Sing with Their Tail Feathers

But they can't yet explain how politicians do it.

Heat-Seeking Missiles Vanish From Libyan Stores

Was it getting too chilly for them?

Shark fin soup one step closer to being banned in California

If they can eat us, why can't we eat them?

California mental hospitals are dangerous, legislators told

"WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS"

How Arctic leader shot dead killer polar dear

Eskimo Nell all over again?

Borders to Shut Down

But will that stop the illegal immigrants?

IMF agrees to give Greece $4.2 billion

How many chambermaids does that pay for?

Tears and cheers as the world bids farewell to shuttle

So it's not coming back?

Man Killed Trying to Hold Up Marijuana Dispensary Truck

That's heavy stuff, man...

Police: Man found in restaurant bathroom ceiling

When the shit hit the fan?

Japanese underworld tries to cash in on tsunami clean-up

It created the tsunami, so why not reap the rewards?

Porn star to reveal links with Representative Weiner

How will she choose the lucky sausage?

Runner in half-marathon dies, race shuts down

In Hades, Pheidippides laughs scornfully.

Seniors seek public’s help in dog-snatching

They can't run fast enough themselves.

Man Found in Trash Can Likely Died of Multiple Stab Wounds

Trash cans make poor armor, apparently.

Lawyer Warns Mladic Will Die Before Trial

So execute him now and save everyone's time.

Senate Finance Budget Shrinks Spending 10 Percent

That's better than hiring full-price psychiatrists.

Calif. family finds mountain lion in garage

They wanted a Jaguar, but only got a Cougar.

Harold Camping, Failed Doomsday Prophet, Currently Missing

Raptured? or just decamping?

Slow Recovery Worsens Financial State of Medicare

So get well soon.

Stocks Hitting 52-Week Highs As Markets Climb to New Annual Peaks

Now, there's a coincidence.

Captured reporter's parents press case for her release

That won't work until they get the right combination.

CDC: Suicide rates rise and fall with the economy

Yes, depression has many faces...

Newspaper Misprint Leads Colo. Couple to Think They Won $4.3M Lottery

... when it was only a $4.30 lottery?

Two missing after sewage tank bursts

Well, who wants to go looking for them in deep shit?

Coast Guard probing reports of "sheen" in Gulf of Mexico

I guess he chose not to hang out with the raffle winner after all.

Obama Administration Disappointed about New Porn Domain

Mary Whitehouse wouldn't have approved either.

Raffle Winner Gets Chance to Hang Out with Charlie Sheen

And the loser gets...?

"Not realistic" to think Japan reactor will reach criticality

Like it was not realistic to expect a tsunami on the same day as an earthquake?

Japanese PM says the nation facing worst crisis in over 60 years

They got nuked that time too.

Nuclear 'meltdown' no 'China Syndrome,' engineers say

No, it's a "thousand miles east of Uruguay" syndrome.

Princeton 63, Harvard 62: Princeton Beats Harvard at Buzzer

Is that like Boggle?

Pork industry to call on consumers to 'Be Inspired'

"Be Inspired: Eat a Pig!"

California school kids complain of illness after eating pot brownies

Apparently they didn't eat enough.

Stupid Criminal Files: 2 Guys Try to Steal Beer from Convenience Store In Front of 4 Sheriff's Deputies

How stupid. They should have let the deputies steal beer first.

Chinese Security Officials Respond to Call for Protests

And dutifully register their official protests.

Internet Use in Bahrain Restricted, Data Shows

Bad idea: instead of surfing the web, now they'll go out and riot.

Baby Gorilla Tiny Takes His First Steps

...and eats them.

Politicians playing poker with California budget

At least there's some chance of balancing it that way...

Courtroom Conflict: Julian Assange's Prosector Accused of Anti-Men Bias

Favoring the female sector?

A tense calm grips Egypt

Better than relaxed turbulence, I suppose.

Retired Avondale police dog dies

Logically, for there to be "Top Stories" there must also be ones like this.

4,535 pounds of pot found on cattle truck in Arizona

Of course. How else would you make pot roast?

Janitor shoots California school principal to death

Who will clean up the blood?

Study: Super Bowl Stress Can Raise Heart Deaths in Fans

Is it stress, or cholesterol-laden chips?

Looters Rip Heads Off 2 Mummies At Egyptian Museum

Will that prevent them from returning to power?

Egypt's Internet goes dark during political unrest

A modern-day plague, or just a "denial" of service?

Ant Farm co-inventor Milton Levine of Thousand Oaks dies at 97

Coming soon: Uncle Milton's worm farm?

Tucson restaurant won't serve African lion tacos

That's OK, he doesn't like tacos anyway.

Banker Ensnared in Galleon Case

I see even Gringotts has its share of problems these days.

Greens pull out of Irish coalition government

So what color will we wear on March 17?

Balls back at the heart of Labour as Johnson quits

I have trouble visualizing this anatomically.

Bits: Pay by Phone at Starbucks

And download an appuccino?

Self-Assembling Structures Open Door to New Class of Materials

Those smart buildings must be stopped, or they will take over the world!

Joint Replacements Keep Dogs in the Running

It's cheaper to replace the whole dog.

In Pittsburgh, a Quarterback Split

Into two eighths?

Clone technique could revive the mammoth

Don't. We worked hard to exterminate them.

Giffords' Recovery a 'Miracle,' Doctor Says

Not if you consider the nature of congressional brains.

Triangle Square to get 24 Hour Fitness

Just the place to get in shape.

Gabrielle Giffords shooting: Jared Loughner may get a renowned public defender

After killing a judge, where can he find an impartial court?

What is prayer?

God only knows.

US, China defense chiefs mend frayed military ties

Have defense spending cuts gone too far?

Officer directing traffic on Route 400 struck by car

Clearly not doing his job properly.

Butt-dialing mistake sends SWAT team to Winnetka school

So they could learn to butt-dial properly?

Huntington Beach police use Facebook in hopes of solving 1968 slaying

Trying to trace the victim's friends?

Democrat Abuses Spurred GOP Filibusters

Quite right too. Filibusters shouldn't wear spurs.

Lindsay Lohan battery case strong enough for prosecutors to consider charges, detectives conclude

Now why did this advertisement accompany this story?

Broken Glass Yields Clues to Climate Change

I say the glass fell because the weather changed, not the other way round.

VAT rise 'puts £250,00 jobs at risk'

Especially this sub-editor's.