U.S. poised to go off 'fiscal cliff': Senator Reid

Well, at least we missed Planet Nibiru.

Former President, George H.W. Bush In Intensive Care

Expiring along with his son's tax cuts?

Put armed police in every school, NRA urges

How reassuring will that be for the children? And will they try to steal the guns? But at least we'll have better-educated cops.

Study: Hawaiian island slowly dissolving

I see the doom-and-gloom mongers are retrenching after today's big disappointment.

Maya 'doomsday' may actually be Sunday, archaeologist says

But they don't give up, do they? Happy New Baktun!

China makes 500 doomsday cult arrests

But will that prevent the Mayan Apocalypse?

The end of the world is nigh: PM Gillard confirms 2012 apocalypse

How many more suicides will these Australian jokers cause?

French scientists warn sperm counts falling for men

What did they expect, after years of helping the infertile to breed?

Private company Golden Spike plans to send space tourists to the moon for $1.4 billion per couple

And how much extra to come back?

USS Enterprise retires from active service

These are the voyages...

Guilty New Mexico prankster returns stolen toilet paper he took as a college student

Used, presumably.

$4M settlement reached after Connecticut mauled by chimp

Did New York ever settle with King Kong?

World won't end on December 21: NASA scientists

But they're not saying anything about the other dates in December.

WikiLeaks founder Assange reportedly has lung infection

I see the polonium-210 has started to take effect...

Attorney General’s Office To Prosecute Random Shooting Suspect

Well, it saves having to round up all the other usual suspects.

San Francisco lawmakers vote to ban public nudity

No more wearing just a flower in your hair.

Sources: Colo. massacre suspect has made "half-hearted" suicide tries

Next time give him more rope.

Australia solar eclipse delights thousands

Is this missing a hyphen?

BBC chief resigns over false sex abuse report broadcast on Newsnight

Poor old BBC: damned when they air sex-abuse reports, and damned when they don't.

Officials: Sandy-stricken areas will vote Tuesday 'come hell or high water'

One of them already came.

Bounty crew member who died in hospital was Fletcher Christian descendant

Divine retribution upon the seventh generation?

Hear the whale with a human-like voice

That is, if you consider Mr. Punch a human.

Hurricane Sandy still on track to deliver a major blow to East Coast

In more senses than one.

Obama video compares voting to losing virginity

So what is the equivalent of a hanging chad?

Study Finds 88% of Sexual Content Posted by Young Folks Online Stolen by Porn Sites

How much does a researcher earn, looking at online porn?

N.J. town mourns as girl's body is found in recycling

As it is said: earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Specter laid to rest near Philadelphia

All in a day's work for Ghostbusters.

Xbox Runaways Found in Eureka, Ill.

How appropriate.

Earth-Sized Planet Discovered Orbiting Around Nearest Star

This is news?

Los Angeles takes next step toward ID cards for undocumented immigrants

That's one way to reduce their numbers, I suppose.

New York's Trinity Church forced to cancel Halloween fest over Occupy Wall Street camp

Why was the church celebrating Halloween anyway?

Dawn Sees Hydrated Minerals on Giant Asteroid

What has she been smoking?

A Faded Piece of Papyrus Refers to Jesus’ Wife

An ancient piece of fan fiction?

School Year Just Begun, Teachers Strike Looms in Chicago

Luddites!

Private Neil Armstrong service planned for Friday

US Army promotions are apparently harder to attain than the Moon.

'Legitimate rape' rarely causes pregnancy, GOP Senate candidate says

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Man Fights to Keep Wife Buried in Yard

Did he forget to kill her first?

Romney: I’ve paid at least 13 percent tax rate in each of past 10 years

Yes, but 13% of nothing is still nothing.

Badminton Players Disqualified for Throwing Matches

Quite right too. They could have started a fire.

Man Charged With Feeding Gator That Bit Off His Hand

Isn't that double jeopardy?

Colorado suspect was seeing psychiatrist, attorneys say

Giving them an insanity defense AND someone to sue!

Romney Stumbles as He Kicks Off Overseas Trip

And puts his foot in his mouth, too.

Woman Forced to Sit Next to Dead Man in 10-Hour Flight From Hell

She was lucky to get out of there at all.

Governor allows serial killer to search for victims

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Jets goalie Pavelec sentenced for drunk driving

The Czech is in the jail?

Obama: Washington feels as broken as it did four years ago

It could be worse...but if it is, he's not admitting it.

Recovery of most complete skeleton of human ancestor to be streamed live

The age of miracles is upon us....

3-month-old kitten survives trip in freight container from Shanghai, China to Los Angeles

Thus creating a parallel universe in which it didn't?

Worm lifetime 'longer in space'

Yes, time stands still in those wormholes.

Queens Teacher Banned From City Schools For Over-The-Top Sex Ed Class

I don't know where to begin with this one...

U.S. Military Suicides in 2012: 155 Days, 154 Dead

Looks like they missed February 29.

NHS chief to investigate overnight discharges

Or he could just go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_emission

Ohio man charged after six puppies found in suitcase

...but five of them got away.

Protesters link arms around the world to decry nuclear power

Thousands drown after someone on the beach gets a text.

Nicolas Sarkozy: there are too many foreigners in France

Yes, the place is full of them.

Hostess' lingerie found in the room of the Costa Concordia captain

A new twist on "going down" with the ship?

Disney changes dress code to allow employees to grow beards

Happy will be happy -- but Dopey won't care.