Guilty New Mexico prankster returns stolen toilet paper he took as a college student

Used, presumably.

$4M settlement reached after Connecticut mauled by chimp

Did New York ever settle with King Kong?

World won't end on December 21: NASA scientists

But they're not saying anything about the other dates in December.

WikiLeaks founder Assange reportedly has lung infection

I see the polonium-210 has started to take effect...

Attorney General’s Office To Prosecute Random Shooting Suspect

Well, it saves having to round up all the other usual suspects.

San Francisco lawmakers vote to ban public nudity

No more wearing just a flower in your hair.

Sources: Colo. massacre suspect has made "half-hearted" suicide tries

Next time give him more rope.

Australia solar eclipse delights thousands

Is this missing a hyphen?

BBC chief resigns over false sex abuse report broadcast on Newsnight

Poor old BBC: damned when they air sex-abuse reports, and damned when they don't.

Officials: Sandy-stricken areas will vote Tuesday 'come hell or high water'

One of them already came.