Denver airport bans marijuana possession

So much for being the Mile High City.

Scientists Find Less Mercury in the Arctic Than Expected

Yes, it's called the thermometer effect.

Astronauts to Embark on Spacewalk

Shouldn't that be disembark?

Mandela's death likely to boost South African tourism

Were pro-Apartheid diehards staying away on his account?

Apple's Black Friday Discounts: Nothing For Any iPhone Or The Retina Mini

What a bargain!

California lawmakers seek to ban imitation firearms

Do they want us to play with real ones?

Will probe bring justice in town's rape scandal?

That rather depends on where it's inserted.

Child Found Handcuffed To Porch With Dead Chicken Around His Neck: Cops

Fowl play is suspected.

LeVar Burton on Google Glass: 'It disturbed me'

Isn't he used to hi-tech eyewear by now?

Hitchhiking virus confirms saga of ancient human migration

So hitchhiking's now recognized as a disease?

France fury at US phone surveillance

What Gallic gall! Who do they think invented 'espionage'?

Is Breathing in China as Bad as Smoking?

That depends how fine it's ground.

Dead baby found in Las Vegas casino trash bin

Which just goes to prove that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

2 BART workers killed after being struck by train

When the workers strike, the trains strike back.

Girls stopped for shoplifting in New York had human fetus in bag

Ewww, where did they steal it from?

Living relatives of iceman mummy found

Police expect to file charges soon.

Pills made from poop cure serious gut infections

At which end does one insert them?

Ex-reality TV star left waiting tables, living in cabin

Welcome back to the real world...

Rare gold coin sells for nearly priceless amount

So it almost went unsold?

There's "no room for weapons of mass destruction" in Iran, President Hassan Rouhani says.

So where's he planning to send them?

New Mexico-size volcano discovered in the depths of the Pacific Ocean

As big as Mexico, or just New Mexico?

Ohio man serving life plus 1,000 years for kidnapping found hanged

Only 999 years 364 days left now!

US swimmer Diana Nyad approaching Florida on Cuba swim

When did her kind learn to swim in salt water?

Bradley Manning says he wants to live as a woman

Well, that should liven up his jail time.

Bill gives California youths convicted of murder second chance

Makes sense: they'll do a better job than the first-timers.

Nurse Suspected of Killing Up to 46 Kids to Get Out of Prison

Some people will do anything for freedom.

NSA: We Touch Only 1.6% Of Internet Traffic

The other 98.4% is porn, which they don't admit to watching.

Obama cancels upcoming meeting with Putin

Putin is reportedly put out.

Snowden remains stuck at Moscow airport

I didn't know he had died.

Porn Producers Say Unprotected Sex Is Free Speech Right

Yet they're in favor of cruel and unusual punishments.

After crashes, students call for transparency in sky

Yes, ban fog.

Married Dads Whose Wives Don't Work Make More Money - Career News

Duh. That's because wives of men who make good money don't need to work.

South Africa presidency denies Mandela in "permanent vegetative state"

No, it's strictly temporary.

Human Head Transplants Now Possible, Italian Scientist Claims

Um, shouldn't that say body transplants?

WHO: More than one-third of women suffer from sexual, physical violence

But the other two-thirds still enjoy it.

U.S. intel chief blasts leaks on web, phone use tracking

Oh, he doesn't like to be spied on?

Extinct Giant Lizard Named After Jim Morrison

What goes around, comes around: Marc Bolan named his band after one.

Man accused of trying to open door of Portland-bound plane held as 'flight risk'

Seems appropriate.

Glow-in-the-Dark Cockroach Among Top 10 New Species

Does it run and hide from others of its kind?

Head of Fort Campbell Harassment Program Arrested

He was just doing his job...

Police officer fired over Trayvon Martin shooting target

Next time aim lower.

Murgatroyd comments on the week's news

The Government is worried that it's running out of money
  and the banks in Cyprus all are shut, which isn't very funny,
And Saint Malachy has prophesied this Pope will go to ruin
  and with global warming coming we shall all be soon a-stewing,
And the Communists are threatening to sabotage the Internet
  the Taliban has nullified the Pakistani cabinet,
And teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter!

So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Crazy teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter,
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter,
Crazy teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter,
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter,
  matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
  matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Teen shot trying to sneak into wrong home after night of drinking, parents say

Wasted in more ways than one.

Florida man vanishes after being sucked into sinkhole under his bedroom

What did he do to deserve that?

Study: Nearly half are overqualified for their jobs

Isn't that a reason not to study?