ISIS has forced 'thousands' of kidnapped girls into sexual slavery

Tacitly admitting that their fighters won't get their promised 72 virgins in the NEXT world?

Methane 'belches' detected on Mars

How do we know they're belches, not farts?

Honda underreported 1729 death, injury cases to Feds

Heck--that's nearly 300 years ago--who cares?

NSFW PICS: Head teacher caught performing sex act on colleague in classroom

How else is she expected to teach head?

Parent company, owner of now-closed California restaurant plead guilty to serving whale meat

Whale meat again? Don't know where, don't know when.

Uranus might be full of surprises

That's none of urbusiness.

Regular pot smokers have shrunken brains, study says

But which is cause and which is effect?

Police search Boeing plant; no armed man found

Who was that no armed man?

Paul Perkins quietly approaching 1,000-yard milestone for UCLA football

Has UCLA devalued the mile?

Madison Square Garden Explores Plan to Split Into Two

Madison Triangular Gardens?

Teen collapses and dies at haunted house

For how long did the extra body go unnoticed?

Teen collapses and dies at haunted house

... and its business doubles.

Princeton scientists observe particle that is its own antiparticle

...annihilating itself?

UCLA one of many to be bitten by upset bug

That irate insect has sworn revenge on the nation's top schools...

Monster truck crashes into crowd; At least 2 dead, Dozens hurt

How many monsters were in that truck?

Water in Earth's oceans older than the sun

So darkness really was upon the face of the deep (Genesis 1:2).

Not our fault chimps kill each other, study concludes

In fact, it's their fault that we do.

Rare Chinese Sturgeon Not Reproducing, Close to Extinction

Apparently now the virgin sturgeon needs some urging.

South Africa's crime rate had trigger-happy Oscar Pistorius on edge

So he increased it.

Scientists sequence gibbon genome

Try saying that ten times quickly!

Employees complain about new Walmart dress code

Now all Walmart needs is a dress code for its customers...

UN: One-Fifth of Murder Victims Are Under 20

Which statistically makes that the safest age group.

Mother of America Hostage Pleads to ISIS to Release His Son

They also have her grandson?

If A Fly Landed On Your Food, Would You Still Eat It?

Sure, but those things are always too fast to catch.

Chrissy Teigen tweets ‘I’m pretty drunk’ before throwing first pitch at Dodgers game

No need for beer goggles: she's pretty even when she's sober.

No One Knows Why or How the Brooklyn Bridge's American Flags Were Painted White

Incontinent seagulls?

Jibo Wants to Be the World’s First Family Robot

A robot with desires? BAD idea.

Huge Amount of Dinosaur Footprints Found in Denali National Park in Alaska

How can we stop those monsters from defacing our national heritage?

Geoffrey Dickens 'said paedophile dossier was explosive'

Luckily, they were able to destroy it safely.

British man killed in plane crash while taking flying lessons in New Zealand

Flying's tricky when you're upside down.

Defendant freed in error by jury is killed hours later

Sooner or later, justice prevails.

Professionals who do legal work for gangsters face prosecution under new offence

So it's legal and illegal at the same time?

Scientists Say You Might Meet Aliens in Your Lifetime

Probably right at the end...

Legalizing Medical Marijuana May Actually Reduce Crime, Study Says

And legalizing everything would eliminate crime altogether.

Execution drugs harm breathing and heart function

This is news?

Suicide-attempt survivors go public in hope of aiding many at risk

At risk of failing?

MPs say crime figures cannot be trusted

Because there's no honor among thieves.

Russia May Not Stop at Crimea, NATO Chief Warns

No, there's crimeb, crimec and probably also crimed.

Nevada suicide victim lied about missing wife

So did he shoot her, or just not care when she left?

'Portenous' takes Northville Christian student to national bee

I see you've fixed your headline, but you should hire her to fix your link also.

New Texts Found in Caves That Yielded Dead Sea Scrolls

Old ones would have been more interesting...

Son Repays Her Mother Thirty Years Later

...after gender reassignment?

Girl, 10, crashes mom's SUV into Denver DMV office

That's an automatic fail.

Racist Flier Sent to UCLA Asian American Studies Center

...where he'll receive cultural sensitivity training?

Winter storm warning for Stark County canceled

"Winter is coming" no more?

Student's Pants Set Afire by Apple iPhone

I blame that new lie-detector app.

Air Force nuke officers caught up in big cheating scandal

Isn't that a bit drastic, even for the Air Force?

Man Loses 392 Pounds After Seeing His Obese Reflection on TV Screen

That's why a real couch potato should NEVER turn off the tube.