Madonna in court to bring son home

The court of King Herod? Now that's what I'd call OLD news.

2 dead children found California storage unit

But who wants to store their stuff in a place run by zombies?

Russian warship opens hearth

Sorry, Santa won't be calling this year.

Russia fires warning photographs at Turkish ship in Aegean Sea

To be followed by non-worker bees?

Farook’s pal in ‘sleeper cell’ described as ‘goody two footwear’

This is political correctness taken too far: just call a shoe a shoe.

Modoc sucker, a small fish, taken off endangered list

They just discovered that there's one born every minute.

Turkey won't apologize for downing Russian warplane, Erdogan says

And I won't apologize for downing turkey today. Happy Thanksgiving!

Did Google Just Eradicated The Need For Local Apps?

Grammar-checkers are still needed, apparently.

Where 2016 candidates stand on Syrian refugees after Paris attacks

Is there a picture of that place?

Who is Faisal Mohammad? Attacker who stabbed 4 at California university wasn't motivated by religion

Or inhibited by it.

World’s tiniest land snail breaks a record made just weeks ago

This time it went two millimeters in an hour.

Shaker Aamer, last UK resident held at Guantanamo Bay prison, returns home

Did they work backward through the alphabet?

Canadian Whale Watching Boat Carrying 27 Sinks

That's because plumbing fixtures fascinate whales.

Police: Wiz Khalifa cited for public urination in Pittsburgh

"A whiz of a wiz" takes on a whole new meaning.

Lexus builds origami-inspired acrdboard car

It's cheaper than lpastic or hseet emtal, and easier to ofld.

Ben Bernanke thinks more bankers should be in jail

Wouldn't it be cheaper to install ATMs?

At least 717 Muslims die while 'Stoning The Devil'

Sometimes the Devil strikes back....

Did Peter Dinklage spit his gum into his wife's mouth on Emmy night?

...and did he have to stand on a chair to do it?

‘Baby Doe,’ Child Found Dead On Deer Island, Identified

...as a fawn?

Bin Laden Crane Hit By Lightning On 9/11 Anniversary, Crushes Mecca Pilgrims In What Engineer Calls ‘Act Of God’

The mills of God grind slowly, it appears.

Predator Numbers Never Always Increase with High Prey, Study Suggests

Only sometimes?

Colorado theater shooter gets life in prison plus 3318 years

..."and then to be fined forty pound"?

UK to develop roadway charging for electric vehicles

But what do they plan to charge: your car battery or your credit card?

US hiker killed in grizzly bear attack

Grisly, too.

Boy Scouts lift blanket ban on gay adult leaders, employees

But will they allow pillows too?

Snakes' ancestors had four legs

...until one of them gave Eve an apple.

South Carolina church fire caused by lightning, officials say

Is that better or worse than it having been arson?

What Are the Strange Spots on These Brand New Images of Pluto?

Soon it will be revealed: he's the 103rd Dalmatian.

Early human may have had a Neanderthal for a great-great-grandparent

And his descendants still shamble among us.

Nasa scientists: 'Life outside of Earth is probably going to be really hard to find'

I hope we will be just as hard for it to find.

Oral B Develops Toothbrush With Bluetooth; Connects To A Smartphone

Does it sing "You're a pink toothbrush...."?

Bees contribute more to British economy than Royal Family

That's because they have more queens.

Bloody bat found at DC mansion site

The vampire has struck again!

Police fear man wanted after woman's torso found in suitcase may have fled to Ireland

And rightly so, if even the dead flee from him.

Tiniest frog ever, just 0.4 inches long, stuns researchers in Brazilian rainforest

That wee beastie sure packs a big punch!

Chimpanzees want to cook their food

"Oh, oobee doo, I wanna be like you...What I desire is man's red fire to make my dream come true"

Early Humans left Africa through Egypt, surprising study finds

How else, without boats?

Pope says he hasn’t watched TV since 1990 and never surfs web

The Pontiff may be in touch with God, but he's clearly out of touch with humankind.

Now you can watch walruses in the wilds of Alaska, live, 24 hours a day

Sure you can now, but it'll be a different story come December.

Qantas Group assures customers hacking not possible on its aircraft

Hackers love a challenge like that.

The Boston bomber must die

Valar morghulis.

Windows 10 Will Be The Last Version Of Windows

They're finally making one that works properly?

"Scotland's voice will be heard more loudly than ever before"

...just as soon as that piper stops playing.

Body found in suitcase in Utah linked to missing Vegas woman

How long of a chain did that need?

Construction workers in China accidentally unearth dinosaur eggs

Expect to see million-year eggs on local menus soon.

Günter Grass, German author and Nobel laureate, dies at 87

From now on he'll just be unter Gras.

South Carolina college student suspended over racial slur

At least he wasn't suspended under one.

Study: Your baby is doing little physics experiments all the time

And for only $69.99, she can have her very own little EZ-Smash Hadron Collider!

New footage shows Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz learning to fly

It's a bit late for that, isn't it?

Should you be worried about arsenic in California wine?

No need: the alcohol will kill you first.

One Quarter Of Students Consider Sex Work

But the other 75% consider it fun.

Fire rips through Torch skyscraper in Dubai

Maybe that name wasn't such a good choice.

Birdbrains? Hardly: Baby Chicks Know How to Count

As it is said: don't hatch your chickens before they can count.

Missing hunter survives in woods for days on water

...until finally hitting something?

Government employee piloted drone that crashed at White House

Make that "ex-employee".

Fitness Model Struck and Killed by Train

How many crunches did he make?

Low Inflation Dogs Fed Even as Job Gains Point to Rate Increase

I'm glad they're not going hungry, even if they don't get much bigger.

Dog abandoned at train station with suitcase

And a label saying "Please look after this dog?"

What Will Become of Your Bitcoins When You Die?

You take them with you. That's why they're called cryptocurrency.