Johnson celebrates Conservative victory

"Loves, Labour's Lost!"

Thousands of holes found on seafloor off California coast

"And though the holes were rather small, they had to count them all."

Trump Orders Toilet Rule Review, Saying People Flush 10 Times

Only those who are full of shit.

A Third of California Methane Traced to a Few Super-Emitters

How did they find me out?

Groundbreaking fossils reveal how life retook Earth after the dinosaurs

Groundbreaking fossils? Zombie alert!

Dogs credited with busting two men in Connecticut with 420 lbs of marijuana

An appropriate quantity.

Rats find driving tiny cars relaxing, scientists report

They soon won't, once more of them join the rat race.

Giant Hunter's Moon looms over the Northern Hemisphere and is captured in spectacular photographs

Pity: I was hoping to go giant hunting tonight.

Shepard Smith makes shocking announcement that he is leaving Fox News

To avoid the nominal conflict of interest with his employer?

How Do Compasses Tell Which Way Is North at the South Pole?

Very easily. At the South Pole, every way is North.

Iceberg larger than Los Angeles breaks off Antarctic shelf

AI has its limitations: Google News reported this as local news!

How to weigh a whale without a scale

Take it to a whale-weigh station?

Five-year-old boy made to get out of wheelchair and walk by staff at Legoland

A miracle!

Cop’s Tesla runs out of battery power during high-speed chase

No charge for pursuer or pursued.

Trump says he has authorized release of transcript of call with the Ukrainian president

What's the chance that there will be 18 minutes "missing"?

Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyers highly ‘skeptical’ of suicide ruling, say he wasn’t ‘despairing, despondent’ before death

He was at peace, knowing his troubles would soon be over (at least, in this world).

‘Huddled Masses’ in Statue of Liberty Poem Are European, Trump Official Says

He's right. Asians arrived through the Golden Gate, not the Golden Door.

Chicken Plants See Little Fallout From Immigration Raids

But Chicken Little sees plant fallout and cries "The sky is falling!"

TSA suspends 2 officers after a noose was reportedly found at Miami International

One at a time, presumably.

Senate fails to override Trump veto of bill stopping Saudi weapons sales

Triple negatives confuse me. Can the weapons be sold, or can't they?

Winston Churchill ‘shocked’ by Downing Street restoration plan

But bringing him back from the dead was the only way to solve Brexit.

Crash Kills 4 Members of Church Choir en Route to Revival Meeting

So, was the meeting a success?

What people don’t get about why planes crash

It's called gravity, and no-one really knows what causes it.

Julian Assange indicted in US for conspiracy to commit computer intrusion in 2010

"Trumped-up charges," he claims.

May to quit once Brexit has been delivered

At the rate she's been going, that won't be any time soon.

Airline Bookings to Offer New Gender Options

Trans World Airlines flies again!

China has Just Grown a Cotton Plant on the Far Side of the Moon

Now let's see them harvest it.

Turkish Airlines condemned over deaths of rare parrots

"They're not dead, they're pining!"

Daring United flight attendant takes a walk on a plane's wing midair

Some people will do anything for a smoke.

McDonald's and KFC warn of shortages and price hikes if there's no Brexit deal

Hey, at least that would improve the nation's health.

Dead baby found at Amazon distribution center

Returned by an unhappy purchaser?

Theresa May says no Brexit more likely than no deal

So "no deal" is now the likeliest Brexit?