Long Beach agrees to $6.2-million settlement over underground oil tanks

I wouldn't choose to settle there...

'Hundreds of Aussies' stranded in Peru

I don't know who to be sorrier for.

David Copperfield's accuser charged with prostitution

Don't be surprised if she mysteriously disappears...

Gary Coleman Arrested in Utah

That's a long way from Avenue Q.

Pope asks priests to become more Web savvy

4giv me fathr 4 i hv sind?

Visitor loses balance, damages Picasso work

No surprise. Those paintings can make anyone dizzy.

Bill Gates: What Will It Take to Save the World?

A 2-zettabyte hard drive should be enough...

117 Russians in hospital after drinking holy water

That stuff sure sorts out the saints from the sinners...

More tainted milk products found in China shops

Blame it on the bulls.

In audio message, bin Laden says he endorsed Dec. 25 airline bomb plot

Who does he think he is...the Grinch?

13 months later, expert in Mexico kidnappings still missing

Proving once again that some "experts" aren't all they're cracked up to be.

No sex before marriage: Abbott

With that name, what else can he say?

Census count starts with No. 1 in Alaska

So will they count Florida last? That caused a lot of problems in 2000...

San Bernardino loses its Jewish congregation

A city named for a saint can hardly complain when that happens...

Bellerive Says Reports of Haiti Violence Aren't True

... and the reports of the earthquake damage are grossly exaggerated.