Slow Recovery Worsens Financial State of Medicare

So get well soon.

Stocks Hitting 52-Week Highs As Markets Climb to New Annual Peaks

Now, there's a coincidence.

Captured reporter's parents press case for her release

That won't work until they get the right combination.

CDC: Suicide rates rise and fall with the economy

Yes, depression has many faces...

Newspaper Misprint Leads Colo. Couple to Think They Won $4.3M Lottery

... when it was only a $4.30 lottery?

Two missing after sewage tank bursts

Well, who wants to go looking for them in deep shit?

Coast Guard probing reports of "sheen" in Gulf of Mexico

I guess he chose not to hang out with the raffle winner after all.

Obama Administration Disappointed about New Porn Domain

Mary Whitehouse wouldn't have approved either.

Raffle Winner Gets Chance to Hang Out with Charlie Sheen

And the loser gets...?

"Not realistic" to think Japan reactor will reach criticality

Like it was not realistic to expect a tsunami on the same day as an earthquake?

Japanese PM says the nation facing worst crisis in over 60 years

They got nuked that time too.

Nuclear 'meltdown' no 'China Syndrome,' engineers say

No, it's a "thousand miles east of Uruguay" syndrome.

Princeton 63, Harvard 62: Princeton Beats Harvard at Buzzer

Is that like Boggle?

Pork industry to call on consumers to 'Be Inspired'

"Be Inspired: Eat a Pig!"

California school kids complain of illness after eating pot brownies

Apparently they didn't eat enough.