Seniors seek public’s help in dog-snatching

They can't run fast enough themselves.

Man Found in Trash Can Likely Died of Multiple Stab Wounds

Trash cans make poor armor, apparently.

Lawyer Warns Mladic Will Die Before Trial

So execute him now and save everyone's time.

Senate Finance Budget Shrinks Spending 10 Percent

That's better than hiring full-price psychiatrists.

Calif. family finds mountain lion in garage

They wanted a Jaguar, but only got a Cougar.

Harold Camping, Failed Doomsday Prophet, Currently Missing

Raptured? or just decamping?

Slow Recovery Worsens Financial State of Medicare

So get well soon.

Stocks Hitting 52-Week Highs As Markets Climb to New Annual Peaks

Now, there's a coincidence.

Captured reporter's parents press case for her release

That won't work until they get the right combination.

CDC: Suicide rates rise and fall with the economy

Yes, depression has many faces...

Newspaper Misprint Leads Colo. Couple to Think They Won $4.3M Lottery

... when it was only a $4.30 lottery?

Two missing after sewage tank bursts

Well, who wants to go looking for them in deep shit?

Coast Guard probing reports of "sheen" in Gulf of Mexico

I guess he chose not to hang out with the raffle winner after all.

Obama Administration Disappointed about New Porn Domain

Mary Whitehouse wouldn't have approved either.

Raffle Winner Gets Chance to Hang Out with Charlie Sheen

And the loser gets...?