South Africa's crime rate had trigger-happy Oscar Pistorius on edge

So he increased it.

Scientists sequence gibbon genome

Try saying that ten times quickly!

Employees complain about new Walmart dress code

Now all Walmart needs is a dress code for its customers...

UN: One-Fifth of Murder Victims Are Under 20

Which statistically makes that the safest age group.

Mother of America Hostage Pleads to ISIS to Release His Son

They also have her grandson?

If A Fly Landed On Your Food, Would You Still Eat It?

Sure, but those things are always too fast to catch.

Chrissy Teigen tweets ‘I’m pretty drunk’ before throwing first pitch at Dodgers game

No need for beer goggles: she's pretty even when she's sober.

No One Knows Why or How the Brooklyn Bridge's American Flags Were Painted White

Incontinent seagulls?

Jibo Wants to Be the World’s First Family Robot

A robot with desires? BAD idea.

Huge Amount of Dinosaur Footprints Found in Denali National Park in Alaska

How can we stop those monsters from defacing our national heritage?

Geoffrey Dickens 'said paedophile dossier was explosive'

Luckily, they were able to destroy it safely.

British man killed in plane crash while taking flying lessons in New Zealand

Flying's tricky when you're upside down.

Defendant freed in error by jury is killed hours later

Sooner or later, justice prevails.

Professionals who do legal work for gangsters face prosecution under new offence

So it's legal and illegal at the same time?

Scientists Say You Might Meet Aliens in Your Lifetime

Probably right at the end...