General Motors to shut down Saturn

Will Ford shut down Mercury next?

SMU censures Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity over Watermelon Bash event

For disregarding vegetable rights?

Powerful Quake Strikes Off Indonesia

Powerful indeed.

Mothers born outside Ireland more likely to brestfeed

Apparently, the Irish are unfamiliar with the idea...

Klansas City utility is cited over sewage spill

That town stinks in more ways than one.

Most Suicide Bombers Have Three Things in Common

1: Fundamentalism; 2: Explosives; 3: Eternal damnation.

Sea Turtles Heading to the Water Need Help

By flushing them down the toilet?

Hitler's Skull? Test Casts Doubt On Soviet Artifact

If it was an artifact, why test it at all?

9 in 10 teens short on fruits and veggies

So wouldn't meat help them grow taller?

New York Teen Injures Self After Building Possible Bomb

Lucky it wasn't an actual bomb, or he'd be dead.

Man Held Over Woman's Body In Suitcase

Wasn't it a bit crowded in there?

Facebook removes 'Should Obama be killed?' poll

Were the responses swamping their servers?

Drunk barrister talked to fridge, inquiry told

Was he tired of addressing the bench?

Cops: Sick Man Dies After Friends Dump Him on Road

Proving that cops define "friends" rather broadly.

Pensioners face raised rents

But can it launch a thousand ships?