In hospice, grandmother celebrates belated bat mitzvah

Cramming for her finals?

Call to extend breast screening

The TSA is working on this...

Scientists witness the apparent birth of a black hole

And if they continue to not see it, that'll confirm it's real.

L.A. County passes sweeping ban on plastic bags

Most of them go unswept already anyway.

Eroded Kinder Scout to be fenced

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished.

Proposed new cigarette warning labels include corpses, cancer patients

That'll appeal to the horror movie crowd.

Warner Bros to develop UK film base

Shouldn't they develop the emulsion?

Panic as Ohio tower falls in the wrong direction

Upwards?

Older white Americans sicker than British peers

Their homes are not as stately, either.

Al-Qaida group claims mail bombs

Waste of time: they won't get them back.

Man accused of fake real estate deals

However, real fake estate deals would have been OK.

Where's the female Brian Cox?

...and what would be her name?

Man jailed over cat in microwave

Must be crowded in there...

Man caught with meth pipe in his underpants in Mesa

Makes a change from crack...

9 people shot at Oakland Halloween party

At least, they think 9 people's injuries are real.