Snowden remains stuck at Moscow airport

I didn't know he had died.

Porn Producers Say Unprotected Sex Is Free Speech Right

Yet they're in favor of cruel and unusual punishments.

After crashes, students call for transparency in sky

Yes, ban fog.

Married Dads Whose Wives Don't Work Make More Money - Career News

Duh. That's because wives of men who make good money don't need to work.

South Africa presidency denies Mandela in "permanent vegetative state"

No, it's strictly temporary.

Human Head Transplants Now Possible, Italian Scientist Claims

Um, shouldn't that say body transplants?

WHO: More than one-third of women suffer from sexual, physical violence

But the other two-thirds still enjoy it.

U.S. intel chief blasts leaks on web, phone use tracking

Oh, he doesn't like to be spied on?

Extinct Giant Lizard Named After Jim Morrison

What goes around, comes around: Marc Bolan named his band after one.

Man accused of trying to open door of Portland-bound plane held as 'flight risk'

Seems appropriate.

Glow-in-the-Dark Cockroach Among Top 10 New Species

Does it run and hide from others of its kind?

Head of Fort Campbell Harassment Program Arrested

He was just doing his job...

Police officer fired over Trayvon Martin shooting target

Next time aim lower.

Murgatroyd comments on the week's news

The Government is worried that it's running out of money
  and the banks in Cyprus all are shut, which isn't very funny,
And Saint Malachy has prophesied this Pope will go to ruin
  and with global warming coming we shall all be soon a-stewing,
And the Communists are threatening to sabotage the Internet
  the Taliban has nullified the Pakistani cabinet,
And teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter!

So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Crazy teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter,
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter,
Crazy teenagers are plotting to make little children splatter,
  but an asteroid is coming so it really doesn't matter,
  matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
  matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Teen shot trying to sneak into wrong home after night of drinking, parents say

Wasted in more ways than one.