Headlines: Aug 31

Spider phobia treatment goes online
- But arachnophobes won't touch the Web.

China's 'unluckiest generation' reflects on cost of revolution
- And on its pronunciation?

New Orleans Sees an Opportunity to Improve on Its Past
- That won't be difficult.

Texas law makes Sept. 11 a holiday for firefighters
- And a field day for arsonists?

Economists Are Split on Inflation
- Next time, don't blow them up so hard.

Baker Hughes to Buy BJ Services
- Does his wife know?

Heavier Drinking Linked to Heavier Exercise
- If elbow-bending counts...

Conn. Man Advertises Parents on Craigslist for $155
- Is there an extra “n” in that headline?

Therapist charged with having sex with 14-year-old
- And isn’t there a space missing from this one?

EU to begin phasing out standard lightbulbs
- Once again, the lights are going out all over Europe.

Headlines: Aug 30

Thousands mourn Iraqi Shia leader
- Millions don't.

Fort Bliss soldier charged with murder incompetent for trial
- But not for military service?

Garrido admitted to drug-fueled sex fantasies
- How come they never let me in?

Mentally ill woman shot by cops sues
- Are they like gangsters molls?

Kidnapped Girl Etched in Tahoe Community's Heart
- You can still see her artwork on Main Street.

Experts: Media today would demand Chappaquiddick answers
- Kennedy today would not give them.

What happens to your virtual world after you die?
- Your Second Life goes on.

TV chat show star Simon Dee dies
- Simon Dee ceased.

Why is blood so costly?
- Well, would you want to use cheap blood? Thought not.

Headlines: Aug 29

Kidnapping Suspect Admitted to Disturbing Sexual Fantasies
- Whose did he disturb? Or was he admitted?

India loses contact with Moon satellite
- It's gone round to the Dark Side?

Man, 23, gets 2 life terms plus 100 years in kidnapping case
- And then to be fined £40?

Pakistan suicide bomber training camp destroyed
- By overeager trainees?

Man stole woman's car on date
- He wanted her body and her chassis.

Safety drives over bank holiday
- All very well, but can he keep Death off the roads?

‘Halloween II’ is a vile sequel to a lazy remake
- Is that criticism or praise?

GM Sees Chevy Inroads in Europe
- Are those pickups or SUVs?

Halting Recovery Divides U.S. in Two
- Like the Mountain Range, the economy is rocky.

Banks deemed too big to fail emerge even bigger
- Ultimately they'll fall even harder.

First Lady visits Aids clinic
- Had to happen sooner or later.  Disease is no respecter of rank.

Mega Millions jackpot hits $333 million
- Big deal.  That's only a third of a Mega Thousand.

Woman's frantic 911 call helps convict her killer
- I suppose it was of some use in the end.

Californians Sweat Out Wildfires
- A new way to save water?

Apple: Exploding iPhones Not Our Fault
- Then whose?  Suicidal eJihad apps?

Headlines: Aug 28

CDC Turns to Twitter, Facebook to Promote H1N1
- Viral marketing?

Nixon dug deep for dirt on Ted Kennedy (AP)
- But Obama will have it put back soon...

Faraway planet sent giant chunk of spam
- Or was it Nigerians with a fake return address?

What is the fate of leftover frozen embryos?
- Sooner or later, the freezer will break down...

Obama to Rule on China Tire Imports
- Ban them - they chip far too easily.

American Eagle's Net Tumbles
- No problem, it can still swoop for its fish.

Headlines: Aug 27

FDIC Fund Shrinks Amid Rising Bank Failures
To help when bankers go bonkers?

Man drowns in fishing contest at Rend Lake
Sometimes, the fish wins.

Website calculates risk of dying
That's easy.  It's 100%.

Pink Slip Party in Jacksonville
Can I go in pajamas instead?

Doer steps down as Manitoba premier
I guess he's done now.

Study: Scent of Cut Grass Is Calming, Boosts Memory
Is that cut with tobacco or something else?

After JFK assassination, Edward Kennedy never visited Dallas
I don't suppose Mrs Lincoln went back to the theater, either.

Pair of fronts could bring some heat relief to Houston
Are those Y-fronts?

Air Rifle Boy Was Shot At Makeshift Range
Is that nearer or further than point-blank?

Auschwitz blueprints given to Israeli PM
As the person least likely to use them?

Historians make musical discovery on 16th Century carving
Grinling and Orlando Gibbons were related?

Milton Bradley lashes out
Don't worry, they'll be back in by game time...

Monkeys hold key to genetic cure
Throw them some bananas, they’ll probably let you grab it.

Astronomers find what appears to be a suicidal planet
Big deal. Environmentalists found one long ago.

Headlines: Aug 26

Don't wait, get help for insomnia before it is a habit
I see Conrad Murray is advertising for new patients.

Walgreen to Offer Caterpillar Drugs
Just say no, Mr. Caterpillar!

Bankers least likely to employ mentally ill people
And the Postal Service is most likely?

Death marks the end of Camelot
by Tom of Warwick?

Many religious orders go to Internet to find new members
So do many transsexuals...

Ovarian cancer 'is being missed'
By women who were attached to their tumors?

South Korea Rocket Launch A 'Half Success'
So was the Space Shuttle Challenger’s...

Toys 'R' Us Offers Discounts for Used Baby Products
Better not buy diapers there...

Woman arrested at BWI with 2 1/2 pounds of cocaine in bra
Busted!

Houston police officer roughed up in East End
His West End was unharmed, however.

Headlines: Aug 25

Review of alleged detainee abuse to have narrow scope
In what orifices was it allegedly inserted?

Royal Opera, Bayreuth To Release Wagner DVSs
Are those digital video six-packs?
 
Venomous Snake On The Loose In Florida
Don’t worry, the gators will get it.

Uncertainty Surrounds Iran's Nuclear Capability
Yes, it’s called the Heisenberg principle.

Karzai, chief rival neck and neck in Afghan vote
Soon they’ll be in bed together...

US Chamber of Commerce seeks trial on global warming
Turn the heat up two degrees and see what happens?

Headlines: Aug 24

Actual news headlines from the Web
With my comments below

Bernard Madoff 'dying of cancer'
Time to send him to Libya?

Malaysian Authorities Postpone Whipping of Woman
Holding out for a better video-distribution deal?

Founder of Kaplan test centers, dead at 90
He finally passed....

3 years after demotion, Pluto debate rages on
Why can't he walk on his hind legs like Goofy?

Baghdad bombing leaves hole in diplomatic corps
Should there be an "e" at the end of that sentence?

LA firefighters find pot growing in burning home
And now they have the munchies....

Pastor Found Dead Inside Her Church
Serves her right for looking in the crypt....

Headlines: Aug 23

Here is the news: these are all actual news headlines from the Web
And here are my comments.

Obama vacation takeoff delayed by Hurricane Bill
Did he consider using his veto power on it?

Tension Increases as China and Australia Grow Closer
Wouldn’t that cause compression, not tension?

Lawmaker Targets NJ Inmates’ Illicit Cell Phones
Why call them cell phones if they’re not intended for prisoners?

Medical Robot Makes Rounds at Texas Army Hospital
Does it also make rounds on the golf course?

The world’s first cocaine bar
Thanks, but I think I’ll stick to chocolate.

Headlines: August 22

Here’s my commentary on today’s news–these are all actual news headlines from the Web.

Some Dealers Stop Taking ‘Clunkers’
Now if only some dealers would stop selling them….

Jackson Burial Postponed, Judge Approves Exhibition
A lying-in-state for the King of Pop?

Community comes out for Filipinos in Carson and the South Bay
That wouldn’t have made the headlines in West Hollywood.

Venice Beach murder mystery endures: Who buried a man in the sand?
I suspect his kids.